[12/30] Entry Thirty Nine: The Reason

So Ive been doing a terrible job of posting on here daily lile Sarah wanted me to amd like Ive said Im going to, but for the past couple of weeks theres been nothing really to write about that I havent already talked about to death. Not really I suppose. Ive been keepig myself busy and diistracted and trying to ignore the demons in my head that are a staple of being home.

The only noteworthy thing that Ive been putting off writing about are dreams Ive been having these past few days. They started off being about Raven and that was bad enough. And let me clarify, the dreams werent bad per se. They were about us being friends again, and they were nice while I slept but wvery time I woke up I would start crying. Then they turned into dreams of the people I love dying. And they were sp realistic, so convincing, that after each one Ive been finding myself unable to tell reality for a few minutes. Its been difficult, and deep sleep has become something I fear, for it is clear it just serves to haunt me at this point. Not sure why my dreams torture me so, but they do.

And I suppose tbe thing that Ive been writing a lot in my private journal about is something that Ive wirten about her countless times, Raven. It still really bothers me and still really hurts and it leads to a list of my mistakes, not just with her but with others and it leads me to misery every time. But I suppose theres something more concrete in my fears now, as next semeater draws closer. The fear I may have to face her and she still hate me. Its honesrly crippling and the thkught of facing her right now is absolutely terrifying and... yeah. Ill. Never be able to forgive myself.

[12/13] Entry Thirty Eight: Put your records on.

So I've just finished getting "home" and unpacking. I use home with quotation marks because it's strange. My parents moved while I was away, again, and for the second time in two years they've changed where my physical home is without me even being aware of where/when/etc. And it somehow doesn't actually phase me anymore, it hasn't for a while.

Part of it has to do with being a college student. Every four months your entire life is upended and all your routines change and in some cases even where you live. Time turns into a strange thing then and you stop measuring time in months or years and you start viewing time as "Semesters" where summer is technically it's own semester and the winter is just an intermission between two semesters. Because of that constant change I find that I can just as easily feel comfortable and at home in a hotel, in a stranger's room, or whatever's supposed to be my home.

But I guess part of it is also the fact that I haven't felt like any place is home in years. Long before college was even on the horizon. I just haven't registered any place as being a place where I personally have any ties to. If I close my eyes and think of home, I think of a house where I grew up in, and that's it. I don't have a home anymore, I don't think. It's not a particularly depressing thought to me, not anymore, it's just a fact of life. I stand here in this completely alien room and feel just as comfortable as I did in my old one, and just as comfortable as I feel in a dorm, and just as comfortable as I felt in a hotel. Idk.

Also, today officially marks 90 days of sobriety. Kinda cool huh?

[12/3] Entry Thirty Seven: One More Day

So, yeah, about that posting every day thing? >_> It's one of those things where I feel the need to post a lot when I have a lot of negative thoughts and to just channel them to this one source in order to contain and deal with them in a healthy manner, because thats the trick isn't it? Everyone has problems, everyone has anxiety, everyone has doubts and everyone will suffer from depression at least once in their lives. It's just a matter of knowing how to deal with it. And at least dealing with it in a productive manner. And that's what this is, my productive way of dealing with my negative emotions.

So I really do need to start churning out my positive emotions in a productive way. I tend to let them simmer or hide or just ride them out until they're over instead of harnessing them like I do my negative ones, and maybe I should change it? Maybe I should have posts dedicated entirely to positive things? Just maybe.

Finals, research, projects, all kind of suffocating me atm, but all's good otherwise.

And you know what, there's something going on atm that is absolutely fantastic in my life, and it is actually making me so happy that I don't really know how to handle said happiness. What is it? Well my fucking awesome girlfriend, that's what. I don't know, I just... I've learned I'm not as hopeless and jaded as I've thought, and it's definitely showing in this relationship. But it's not fair to attribute all of it to her. It's not fair to her, or to me, or everyone else. Because I am well aware that the only reason I even know how to be happy, I even have this awesome girlfriend that I am 250% aware I would not have if I was still drinking, is partially because of all the work that's come before it. It's because I've had so many awesome people in my life, guiding me and helping me and teaching me so many things that I'm able to enjoy it now. It's because I've worked so hard next to those who care about me that I can see I'm taking steady steps forwards, and they're paying off.

But of course, no relationship is awesome because of the works on one side regardless, and hell knows Sarah is an amazing girlfriend. She's quite literally perfect in a lot of ways for me right now, and hopefully will continue to be. I say for right now because I've learned the hard way that time is a very scary thing that can be both wonderful and terrible at the same time, so I keep that voice in the back of my head, to take steps with caution, but still move on regardless. And the thing is, she's really a lot of fun, and I can depend on her, and her me. And she reciprocates all my cheesy romance and it's genuine and I just... Yeah, she makes me absolutely ecstatic.

I also, not sure why, but had to compare it to my last girlfriend, Tori, freshman year. I thought this because, right around the time Tori and I broke up, (the same amount of time into our relationship) I got mad because she had forgotten things, and had forgotten me, and had taken me for granted and was just treating me like I was there. And then when I expected something because of an important date to us, she got mad because I expected it. So I learned the hard way to only every expected absolutely nothing from people. Not the best, and not the worst, because there's worse things than nothing, but to just expect nothing. And just yesterday Sarah surprised by getting me a game (christmas gift) that I not only totally wasn't expecting, but one that I completely enjoyed and treasured. And I love her for it, because it's yet another lesson in my life that all the bad is not absolute, and that all the learned helplessness CAN be done.

Everything looks good for us, it really does, and I'm hoping it continues to do so. I'm really, really, really hoping it never stops being amazing. And to be frank, I don't think it will.

Peace Niglets.

[11/21] Entry Thirty Five: Night Surgeon

Bleh.

Had another Raven dream last night. Dreamt I ran into her, she hugged and forgived me. Not the first time that dream occurs. Won't be the last I suspect. Handled it better this time though, just kind of woke up and proceeded to think about everything but it. Which is a step up from staying in bed crying about it. There's not a damn thing I can do about it really, so, all these dreams can do is just kind of give me an ounce of hope. And while hope is cruel, it's all I have at the moment. Hope that everything I'm doing in life will take me down a better path.

And in a sense it kind of is. I'm in a pretty happy relationship, I'm building my future as best I can, and then I'm learning how to control everything else.

Learning to deal with everything else though good nuff.

Counters +1 :D

[11/20] Entry Thirty Four: You Found Me

ROAR. So. I've decided that I need to start this back up again and start posting again, so I'm restarting the counter as of this post and making usre that I post every day. However, there may be days where all I have to say are a sentence or two, but, it'll all be what's required for the continued existence of this blog and the goals I have set for myself.

So, what's been going on? Uh, the Sarah thing is going pretty good, I'm actually pretty happy with everything and it seems like everything will turn out well? So, here's hoping.

My grades are good and I swear to Cthulhu that once next semester rolls around senioritis is going to be stabbing in the balls repeatedly xD Jeez!

Ashley's graduation party was this past weekend, was fun! Admittedly, I'm still not wanting to face the fact that she won't be here after this semester? I mean I'll still talk to her a lot and what not, I just, it's weird that she's not going to be here when she's the only person that's been here since the very first week. Plus the whole she's a really close friend thing and I'm going ot miss the everloving hell out of her? Yeah, that's a thing. STILL. Her present should be coming in soon unless Amazon sucks cock again, but, yeah, hopefully she'll like it xD

It's kind of scary though, the fact that everythign si going to start changing even more drastically than it already has, and these next few changes will come in waves, not steps. I'm trying to take measures to make them into steps, but idk how we'll they'll work out. We'll see.

That'll be it for now. Peace.

[1/1 Day Going To The Gym]
[0 Days without taking Meds]
[1/1 Day posting in a row]

[11/13] Entry Thirty Three: Genetic Emancipation

Yeah Yeah I know I've been slow as of late on posting here and stuff, idk. I haven't felt as much of a need to, but I'm aware that I need to keep doing this for my sake, so I can get a full view later of what/when/where/why/who and whatnot. Just, it's kinda hard lately.

Sarah's been taking up a large portion of my time, and, I'm kind of okay with it, really. It's made me kind of really happy, and I'm thinking that if things go well, it'll all be ok. But I feel like I need to explain something about our relationship. And that, from the start, it was always up in the air. I knew, when I asked her out, that there was a guy back home waiting for her, that she had promised she would give a shot back over the winter break. But I guess I just felt like we got so close, and are so close, and so compatible, that I had to at least try asking again, to see what would happen, and bam, it worked out. But I asked her out, probably a bad move on my part, on the premise that I wasn't making her give up on the other guy completely, that we'd have our time, and then over the winter she'd go to the guy she had promised to, and then next semester she'd choose who she wants to stay with. I don't know how I feel about this, because while I'm still holding on to that and it's preventing me from getting completely attached, it's pissing me off. It's pissing me off because this is one of the few things, and she's one of the few people, that I can say make me genuinely happy. So knowing I have no control over it is kinda pissing me off. I'm still thouroughly enjoying what time we do have, and will continue to do so no matter what, I just. I don't know what. Something.

Also. I've been fighting off a panic attack for the past three hours. I've been cleaning and doing everything I can to stave it off, keep myself busy and keep my mind off it but I just. I can't. And I"m hoping I'll work through it by writing things down here.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
 Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
 I will face my fear.
 I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing......
Only I will remain."

The Litany Against Fear (from the Dune book series) has been going through my head and it's helped a bit, and now I'm going to fully practice it and face my fear.

I'm starting to really understand and be faced with the fact of how little control I actually have over my life. Both what undertones and what's right there in my face, all methods of ways of showing me that I have no control over my life and it's just not ok. It's scaring me.

I have no control over how Ashley reacts/responds to me. I know that we have a history, and I know that things are the way they are, and they're good, don't get me wrong. But. I just. The fact I can't do a damn thing when the tables are turned and she's the one in trouble, bothers the living shit out of me. And I came to accept it a long time ago. It is what it is. But that doesn't mean I have to be ok with it, and it's never going to be ok and it's never going to stop bothering me and I just. I'll get over it now as I do always, but it's just compounding on the issue that I can't control anything. And it really hits home when it's about someone I care about as much as I do her, and to know I can't do anything is just... Too much. And it is what it is, but I just. Yeah.

And there's the bloody Raven thing that keeps on cropping up recently and it's just... I keep on dreaming about her and seeing more and more remidners of her and people are asking me about her and I just can't. I physically can't. I have no control over what happens and I've probably completely lost her nad it's just not ok and it really hurts and it hurts twice as much because I know it's my fault and there's nothing I can do about it and I just. I do what I can, and I'll continue to do it, I'll continue on my path and ensure that it never happens again, but, I just... I'm not going to lie, every time I hear her name or see some reminder of her, it takes every amount of self control I have not to tear up and/or cry because I Just. Loss. And Control. And I wish I could talk to her but not even that's in my control and it's not ok. It's really not ok. But I mean whatever.

And there's also the fact that right now I"m really missing Alicia but she's been so busy I don't get to talk to her much and I just, yeah.

And there's all these other things in my life that I have no control over at this point that is just getting to me. I have no control over when I graduate at this point, and I have so little concrete control over my future that it's scary, I'm doing everything I can to ensure my future is down a path I want it to be but it's just hard.

I don't know. I know I"ll be fine in the morning, but I"m going to go curl up and let it wash over me for the next couple of hours.

Still Sober, Eight Weeks Today, and Still On My Meds.

[11/3] Entry Thirty Two: Sweet Dreams

So. I have a girlfriend now. That's the update on my last post. It's probably not going to last past this semester but I'm ok with it because it's a lot of fun while it lasts.

The girlfriend is Sarah. Clearly. It's fun, even now that we're dating the actual relationship itself is a huge stress reliever and a fun, relaxing, comfort in my life for a bit. It's, actually making me fairly happy and I'm ok with it. I'm playing the same balancing act with it that I am with everything else in my life, but this is being really easy to carry for now. It's fun. I'm okay with all of this.

I'm dealing with this day by day and I'm going through a variety of personal breakthroughs and discoveries and idk.

Just wanted to post here.

45 days. Yay.

[10/31] Entry Thirty One: Morningside

Hah. Hah. So. It's been a while. I know I said this would be daily and I apologize xD At first things just got hectic and recently I haven't been able to just come up with a coherent enough thought to put down. Yeah yeah I know I'm just cheating myself.

Good news: Still on my meds and stuff and still haven't drank. Thusly, all is good.

So. Where to start. Ok well, I think I know actually. So. First up? Sarah!

So that whole scenario has beens really... Strange and it's been forcing me really hard to be fully conscience of every last thing I do and really been forced to act outside of myself, if that makes any sense. I've been having to walk a tightrope to make sure that she doesn't get hurt as an unintended consequence of anything I do, while still trying my best to watch out for her. And I've been doing plenty of that. In fact, I've probably done more for her than most people would have, and while it's fine, it's really taxing. I'm not the Epitome of Morally Correct Behavior. That's Scott. I can't calculate every last move and word to make sure they're perfect. But that's what I've been having to do because her friend is an absolute worthless scumbag and is so hurtful to everyone around him that it's kind of scary. And I've been having to watch him hurt people. That's why I've gotten involved. I can't stand to watch the people I care about be hurt. Not at all. Especially not to the extent that he's been hurting Sarah. I've done everything I can and then some for this, and I just hope it has a positive outcome.

I have no real regrets about it though. I'm glad I was able to help someone so far, and hopefully it'll keep on going. As stressful as it is I'm looking at the silver lining. Can't get any worse than that right? I don't know yo. I'm really really glad I've been able to maneuver this maze of bullshit so far and have been able to know when I needed to call in higher authorities, and know when I needed to act certain ways. So far every move I've made I'm proud of because they've been as close to the right move as anyone of is physically capable of. The stress of being selfless has paid off.

The other thing with Sarah is that, somehow way I think we're somehow involved right now? We're not dating, not in as many words. But in every other sense of the word we are? It's weird. But it's nice. That aspect of it is completely stress RELIEVING and I'm ok with how things have turned out on THAT end of things. Not sure HOW they got to be that way in the first place, but, whatever.

So this whole scenario has real been consuming a lot of my conscious thought and effort recently. So. Explains a bit.

Second At Bat? Ashley!

She has herself a boyfriend now! :D I'm actually really happy for her and actually having watched her go through the process of actually acquiring said boyfriend, I know she's tremendously happy and just seeing her happy is making me really glad for her! She deserves it too. She's such an amazing person that she deserves to be as happy as she physically can, and I think that's getting to happen now :D She's been talking me through all my bullshit and helped me know when I was going too far down the rabbit hole and helped me realize whenI needed to take a step back.

Third? Raven. Meh.

So. After everything that happened that weekend, and after talking to Ashley about it fully I just. I came to terms with it. It bothers me. But like she said, it's outside of my control. I can't do a thing about it. Just accept it. And that's what I've done. Every other day I get flashbacks of everything, and it makes me stumble for a bit. But I recover, and I keep going. Because there's not much else I can do. And I was serious about everything I've said. And the only thing I have left to do is just that: Continue on my path.

I'm gonna leave it here for now. I'll edit in the counter later. But. That's it for now.

As Always: My Friends are Awesome.

[10/21] Entry Twenty Nine: Dance, Dance

So, today was weird.

Classes irked me beyond belief, and my allergies are kicking me in the ass and I've got a migraine. YAY. So. Today's might be short.

Though. I met with Sarah today. And told her off in person. She was hurt and afraid a bit because I yelled (I mean, my voice naturally increases in volume as I talk, I didn't mean to, I just. Tend to yell. It's a thing. It still scared her inadvertently, but, I wasn't about to apologize for it) but I'm basically not going to let myself be hurt. We worked out our difference and stuff and things are good now. I guess. I'm still not going to let myself get hurt again, and next time I'm just going to unleash my full wrath on any guilty parties. I know there's one rich asshole that will be driven deep into depression next, and I won't give a shit because at that point he'll have long since deserved it.

I don't get how someone can be so unbelievably childish. And when I say childish, I mean he literally is an overgrown child. He's as needy and clingy as a five year old who has no idea how to maneuver about the world by himself, and he's as selfish as one. He's self centered as hell and doesn't even begin to care about how anyone other than him feels and has no problems manipulating others to achieve his highly selfish goals. What the fuck? It's frustrating and I really just want to show him that he's going to lose when I bash his fucking skull in to tiny ass pieces. But that's technically illegal, so >_>

YAY ANGER ISSUES.

Anger issues seem to be a recurring theme in my life. I'm having a hard time dealing with just stopping the anger from existing. Because it just doesn't stop. I can't stop the anger the from existing, it just happens. Lots and lots of anger. At everything. What I've been trying to do recently is just find other, immediate ways, to deal with it. Because if I don't quiet down the anger and deal with it, it simmers and sits. And when it simmer and sits, it just makes it worse and makes me go even more cray. And then I hit a point where I really, really want a shot. I realized I turned to alcohol a lot when I was massively angry. And it's still an issue I deal with everytime I get angry. So I need to stop myself from getting THAT angry. Once I do get angry, I need to manage it asap.

Head's raping me. Peacing out.

[32/32 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[23/32 Days Going to the Gym]
[32/32 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/20] Entry Twenty Eight: Fighting

I don't know sometimes. The blog is currently private for a couple reasons. Namely the freshman is getting crazy and her bitchy friend is causing that scenario to explode so, speaking from experience, the last thing I want to start is to leave myself open to some sort of BS attack from someone whose mad/upset so. Until I find a better way, that's happening.

Starting to feel allergies and maybe a little sick. We'll see.

Day 31. I feel better over everything I talk about yesterday. Not better in the "I don't care" type of way, but in the "acceptance" type of way. It still hurts, and I'm still very much missing and mourning the loss of a very good friend. But there's nothing else I can do. I've done literally everything in my power, and I'm going to continue doing so, but I stand to gain nothing if I just worry myself sick over it and lose sleep over all of that. I'm not perfect, and I have my flaws, and that's all I CAN focus on. I can't control other people, and it sucks, but hopefully somehow things will go my way eventually.

I'd like a little to talk about Raven, for just tonight.

The thing is, and, as ironic as it may seem. I only knew her for half a year, and was only around her for a month at a time. But, we clicked really well from the day we met. And one of the big obstacles I was facing when I met her was a deathly fear of losing people because I thought I would never again meet new people I could consider friends or even remotely like. And I think just meeting her as I did, out of nowhere on a completely chance encounter, helped me out of that. Especially because we did click so well right off the bat. She's a really fun person to be around, and it's kind of funny because I always thought she was this interesting blend of punk, country, and geek. Her friends and boyfriend are very much punk, from the music they listen to, to what they do, and how they act, and she's adopted some of that. But she also grew up as a country girl with a supreme affinity for geek things, and she managed to blend all three together into this really interesting blend. She's really easy to talk and.. Yeah. I'm going to miss her. A lot.

Alright alright, that's enough of that. Let's not make me go backwards shall we? Quite.

In other news, sometimes I find that doing the "right" thing involves a level of selflessness that I've yet to attain. I've tried to have as much patience as I could regarding somethings, and took hits wherever I can, but I eventually just break. I'm proud that I've gained that level of patience, don't get me wrong. But I guess now I need to find the right time and places to excercise it, because sometimes it just allows me to be walked over and treated like shit, and it hurts sometimes. But C'est La Vie. One learning experience after another.

I told off Sarah today, because my patience ran short and I'd basically spent the past two plus weeks taking hits and being hurt and just letting it go past me in hopes of it being the best thing for other people. But I got tired of being hurt repeatedly so I drew a line and put an end to it. We'll see how that turns out but I was thouroughly done with it.

As always, my friends are awesome :D

[31/31 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[22/31 Days Going to the Gym]
[31/31 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/19] Entry Twenty Seven: Congratulations

((Congratulations by The Juliana Theory))

So. Now to catch up on a bit of non AA-Step related stuff.

On Friday I bought myself a 3DS and the new pokemon game. And that was actually one hell of an internal battle because I generally do not like spending money on myself. But as a result, I end up spending all my money on others and when something do finally comes up that I want, I can't afford it. And I don't know, generally I'd be like "Thats entirely too much to spend all on myself" but I really need to stop that, even a little. So. I did. But that's a whatever thing.

Moreover. Today's the 30 day mark. The one month point. Officially makes it the longer I've been in sober in a few years. I feel like I had some sort of mini celebration for getting here, and it was in the form of a trip to Busch Gardens that I honestly had a ton of fun at. It was an awesome stress relief and brief break from reality and was surrounded by good times and good company so, all in all it was good. And I'm glad it happened because it's helped me get through the rest of the day.

Now, as I've mentioned here a few times, today I planned on attempting to contact Raven for the first time since that night. And. I did. I apologized, I said what I had to say to her, and I did my best to let her know how I felt. And the fact of the matter is it still hurts. Her name still hurts, remembering it hurts even more, and it's all really bad. Really, really bad. And it's awful and I just can't really... Deal with it. I know that in reality I probably don't have any right to be hurt by any of it, but I was, and I am. And I will be. For a long time. Because every time I hurt someone I care about, I feel it as much as they do because I just. Can't. Bring myself to actually hurt them, and when I do, it's an instinctual, automatic response. And more importantly when I knew it's my fault and it's not ok and it's not even remotely her fault for being mad and feeling how she does.

But it's still hard to think about. And I don't think I'll be able to move on for some time. Tonight was the first step in trying to come to terms with what I've done. With what I did there's literally nothing else I can do in this scenario to influence or accomplish anything. The only thing I can do is what I've been doing, and what I will continue to do, and that's to continue to grow, and learn, and recover.

She didn't reply to the message, not sure if she even read it. And it really did hurt. A lot. And to be honest. It's weighing really heavy on me right now. I know there's nothing more I can do, and that focusing and worrying about it will accomplish except make me worse, but right now the pain is just too poignant. I need to grieve for a bit. Mourn what was lost. Chastise myself. Learn. One step at a time. And losing someone I care about is never something that's been remotely easy in particular for me because I've never had people TO care about till the time I was about 16, 17. So it's a strange experience and it's all new to me and I just. Everything hurts. I'll be fine once the sun comes up. Or at least, be willing to take a step forwards. But just for a little bit, just for now, I'm going to cry, and I'm going to plead and beg with some nonexistant entity for something to change and that things outside my control work out in the best way. And then I'm going to cry some more, because that's all I have left. Crying a river, building a bridge, and moving on.

I've made it this far, and I accomplished what i wanted to do. That was my first step. ANd maybe, just maybe, I should stop trying to take huge leaps and dealing with everything and not allowing myself to make mistakes. I know I need to let up on myself before I just break myself again, but I just don't want to hurt anyone again, no matter what. And the very idea of possible hurting anyone is so frightful, so absolutely terrifying that I feel forced to clad my will in iron and move forwards at all costs.

Maybe, my next step to be to learn to forgive myself for my mistakes, one at a time. God knows there's a laundry list of them, so, I need to start somewhere. So maybe that'll be my next step. To try to figure out if I can forgive myself. To find a way to do so, a step at a time. Because I can't expect forgiveness if I can't forgive myself right? I guess? We'll see.

As always, I love my friends, and thank you so much to all of you for being there with me.

[30/30 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[21/30 Days Going to the Gym]
[30/30 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/18] Entry Twenty Six: How to save a life

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him

So, ironically enough the impromptu topic today at AA was just this, step 3 work. Now, I'd like to mention that not all steps are meant to be taken in order, and rarely do people tackle them so. And this is one that I don't think I'll ever understand. And that's ok because as long as I keep it in mind, and talk about it, and debate it, and try to make it fit into my life, I'll succeed at the goal of AA. Which is not to follow these steps to a perfect adherence, but rather to try and consider and incorporate them.

Now this one is difficult for a few reasons. I genuinely do not know whether or not a "God" exists. Nor do I believe it is the place of us, as moral and severely limited beings, to make any claims about such a being if one does exist. Thusly, it's hard to do things and be like "JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL" if you will.

But it's interesting because there's someone at these meetings that is also a pretty staunch Atheist and he actually has a pretty interesting view of this step. He's taken it to mean that there are times when he should stop fighting with things that are happening around him. Or sometimes it means to just accept that this is going to happen. He used as an example acting, which he had always wanted to do but was previously terrified of. But he decided to just do it, to ignore the reasons that he came up with as to what not and to listen to that inner desire that wasn't destructive and followed it.

Which I think is going to be how I try to tackle this one. Because, there are a lot of things that I want to do, and a lot of beneficial, constructive things that I, at my core, want to do. But later find every reason in the book and then some to not do them. Whether it be fear, resentment, hatred, or what ever, I come up with reasons not to do things. So maybe I should just take more calculated risks and maybe, just maybe, stop being afraid of things.

I don't know, I can't just give up control. Because giving up control to anything, to me, is akin to giving up. Because, I should be able to, through adequate will power, outside help, guidance, and a solid idea of what I'm doing, be able to at least set myself on the right path. Step 2 comes into play on following and what not, but, it all needs to come from an inner desire to get better. And I honestly feel like letting some things happen and just saying "If this is happening, it is God's will" is little more than saying "Hey, I already drank one shot, let me proceed to get shitfaced." you know? It's hard.

So maybe it will mean that I'll just accept some things if they happen, and not stress out over them, and just accept aspects of life. Because hell knows I'm fantastic at fightign tooth and nail at everything that's thrown my way. So maybe I should just accept some things and not try to change everything. I can't change the world, and that is somethign I need to work on. But that's another topic for another time. For now, sleep.

Again. I love all my friends. And I hope you all know this.

[29/29 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[21/29 Days Going to the Gym]
[29/29 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/17] Entry Twenty Five: Things You See In A Graveyard

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I briefly touched on this before, but this is one that's massively important to me. And the one that I would say I'm currently dealing with, and currently tackling and am fully understanding the implications thereof.

Later steps very directly refer to a "God as [the individual] understands him." and those I'll deal with when the time comes but for now in a very real and direct sense, my greater power is simply this: Those that I care about. Not some debatable, supposedly omnipotent being. But quite simply those that I have chosen to, and have in return chosen me, to care about and let affect in very real ways. And it's not anything they do, it's not even necessarily who they are. It's the fact they exist. It's the fact that I can point out these individuals. That I can say that they've been with with me, and I know them and they know me. So it's not something as concrete as "Oh they're my greater power because they've done [X] and/or [Y]." No. It's something more abstract. It's "They're my greater power because they simply are." Are being the key term there. They exist, and thusly, they matter and impact me.

And because these people are so important to me, their existence alone is help to get me started on my way. I don't know, it's debatable as to whether or not this is a "better" or "equal" idea to the original intended meaning of a 'God' being the main guiding hand, but I can't do that. I physically can not give credit to something that in this particular case, isn't exactly the guiding cause. My sanity is slowly being restored BECAUSE there are people I love. Because I want to get better, and because I want to be someone that the people I care about are proud of. I want to be someone that can help the people he cares about. I want to be able to look back at my life and say "You know what, I fucked up at times, but there are still definitely people that I can say I've genuinely helped and made their lives, even if only a little bit, better."

Because that to me has always been really important. Other people and my eventual impact on the world. Even in the event that I eventually believe in a higher power, the idea of an after life to me is so foolish, so childish, and so absolutely asinine to count on that as one's redeeming grace, that I'll never be able to in good conscience accept it. I will physically be unable to. So where does that leave me? It leaves me with one life. 50+ years to affect maybe a hundred people on average. That's what my window to actually do something. To be me. To experience, to enjoy, to laugh and lose and love. And if I'm alone, if I lose everyone I care about, if in ten years there's nobody in my life from right now, then I will have failed. I will never be able to accept myself. I know there's a lot of things out of my control when dealing with other people, but I want to know that, at least within what I had control, I did the best I could.

Insanity is defined as "trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Which, drinking every time I had a down moment despite the fact that it never ended well, counts as the very definition thereof. Sanity, thusly, means trying new things, trying new ways and avoiding old ones where you already know the outcome. And left to my own devices, I will not go down a new path. I need to keep an eye on reality. On those around me. And those watching me. And those I watch. And I need to realize that they know things I don't. They actually CAN understand me, and that they might have something I can learn from. And using this combined knowledge, I can form a new path. Meaning, my return to sanity is entirely based on the existence of my friends. Because left to my own devices, it would have been another two decades before I ever even considered going to AA.

Thusly. This is where I'm at on understanding, accepting and living with and incorporating this step into my life. Hopefully this illuminates some reasoning behind some of my actions, some of my choices, and what's going on. I'll probably be adding another post later on as I do more step work, but, this is fairly important to me.

Also. Four Weeks.

[28/28 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[20/28 Days Going to the Gym]
[28/28 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/16] Entry Twenty Four: Afterlife

So, this post, and all the way up to Friday's post, will all be about AA's first three steps. Well, at least mainly. Thusly, I've decided all three will go public Friday night. So. Thats that. They probably won't all be about my step work, but, a lot of it will be about it.

Onwards, shall we?

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

Now, this is also probably why it took me so long to admit I actually was an alcoholic by any serious means. It's not that I couldn't go a day or two, or even a week without drinking. Because I could, going short periods of time without drinking was never a problem. I never depended on alcohol to get me through an average day, and I was always figured that being powerless over alcohol meant drinking day in and day out at every possible moment and what not. Like what you see on TV and Movies you know?

It turns out that, and it appears others around me figured this out long before I did, I did have a serious problem with alcohol and I was legitimately powerless. Not so much powerless over Alcohol, but powerless over any quick and easy coping mechanism I had at hand. Whether it was cutting or alcohol, fact of the matter is that there are certain emotional triggers that the second they hit, I turned to the easy way out. Cutting was more a conscious effort, but I'll fully admit that drinking was not. I've remembered every shot that took me past black out point. I have a very conscious and clear memory of looking down at every given shot and thinking "If I drink this, I'm not coming back tonight" and taking it anyways. And especially on that last night. As I went to drink, I knew it wouldn't end well. I knew I shouldn't be drinking. I didn't really want to. But I didn't know what I did want to do. What I should have done. And before I knew what I was doing, I was balls deep on liquor.

Fact of the matter is that I am, and have been, emotionally unstable. Whatever the reasons may be, I am. And. I've generally been pretty shitty about dealing with the extremes of it. I've had so many other issues that for the longest time I just ignored my emotions for as much as I could, and everywhere else I would just focus on other things that I needed to fix about myself that I did not like. And whenever I lost control, I would exacerbate it. For whatever reason. And with drinking that escalated. Bad. I don't know.

It's not something I'm proud of, clearly, by any stretch of the imagination. Nobody likes or wants to admit that they had little power over something. Especially not over something like Alcohol that is so clouded in public opinion. But fact of the matter is that I had built myself up my entire life to be an alcoholic, and the fact that I fell into it's traps is not a surprise. I just. Ugh.

This is the first step of AA because, even if my problem wasn't drinking all day erry day, my problem was that there are a lot of things I still can not deal with when sober. Not in the least. My gut reaction to too many things is to drink, and it's definitely still there. It hasn't magically gone away. Just like I still occasionally feel like cutting.

And that's kind of how I'm treating my journey not just through AA, but through this recovery period in general. It's about Emotional Sobriety. Meaning no "I need to stop drinking because drinking is bad for me and because I should" and no "I need to stop doing X or Y because it's bad for me" but it's "I need to stop the behaviors and thought process that were bad for me because I don't want to be that way anymore and because I am making the choice to fix what's wrong because I WANT to." Nobody's forcing me to do any of this. I could still very much continue on my path of self destruction and end up dead in a year. There ain't a damn thing stopping me from that. Not a one. It's me not wanting to be a disappointment, not wanting to go down that path, not wanting to do those things again that's important. And even more so, is me not wanting to live through the steps that lead up to those bad moments, it's an attempt at fixing things from the roots.

Thusly this step is all about admitting that these are problems. These are problems that, left to ourselves, we would be incapable of dealing with. And, I have to say. I definitely have problems that I, myself, am physically incapable of dealing with by myself. I am not proud of that. I do not want the world to know. But I do want to fix these problems. And will take whatever steps are within my power to fix these.

[27/27 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[20/27 Days Going to the Gym]
[27/27 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/14-10/15] Entry Twenty Three: Buried Alive

So yesterday's post ended up being half written on my phone, and the other half was written in my super duper private journal so. That's a thing. Ultimately a variety of factors contributed to a lack of posting yesterday. Also, it would have been another short post that didn't talk much about stuff, so, that's a thing. Otherwise, this post will cover the past couple of days.

So, first things first, since this is basically a tracker for my mood (so I've noticed from going back and reading) I want to mention something that happened yesterday. Something so insignificant and passable that it normally wouldn't have even been a blip on anyone else's radar. But, it really really really made me happy. It brightened my day by a lot. What was it? It was something so stupid I'm having a hard time admit it, heh, even to myself. But no anyways, what happened was that I had brought Ash her Dr. Pepper without her needing to say anything just because that's kind of what I do, I try to do little things for people where and when I can. And though I had class I later check FB and saw she made a post about it and just, was happy about it and stuff? And I don't know, it just, really made me happy for dumb reasons. I don't know. But, that was a thing that legitly affected me.

Been seeing more of Sarah lately. It's getting close to crossing the line where I feel like I'm seeing too much of one person, but it's not been nonstop and I've been making sure to draw lines where I could. I've also made it a point to make sure I'm not the one always asking to hang out and stuff, so the fact it's gone both ways is what's keeping that whole thing sane. As far as the interactions with her go, they're interesting and comforting. It's been a while since I've known someone who shared my view that showing physical affection and what not isn't some super secret super rare super awkward thing. It's comforting to be able to just relax and have fun and not worry (too much anyways) about pointless things that I've come to worry about. So I can definitely say I'm glad to count her as a friend.

I noticed a sharp drop in my mood today. I made a mistake and it really badly caused me to drop. And I realized that I'm still not allowing myself to make mistakes. I just. I feel like I've made so many different mistakes already in my life, had so many missteps, that even the slightest one in brand new territory is unacceptable. I mean, that's what it was, it was an honest to god mistake, and I learned that lesson and it's not going to happen again. But it still really bothers me that I even made it. I feel like I've used up my right to make mistakes. I'm a massive wreck and I'm not allowed to be normal. I honestly feel like I shouldn't have fallen this far, like there was no reason for it, and there's no reason that I can come up with that makes sense for my behavior these past couple of years. I can't forgive myself for falling so far. I'm trying my hardest to come back and get better, but, it's difficult to still be ok with it. I know I'm not special and I know other people are dealing with their own demons, but I feel like I've used up all my right to claim to be in trouble and need to deal with them. And I am, I'm slowly slaying them, but the fact that they even got to be so visible and such trouble, is still not ok. I can't forgive myself for everything that's happened in the past. That's a step that will come by later.

I've started working on the first couple of steps of AA. Which involve coming to terms with our problems, and coming to terms with the fact that our lives had gotten out of control and that we ourselves could not fix it. I know that originally the literature states that it's a "higher power" and that it's a "god" we should be turning to. But quite frankly, my higher power is my friends. My impact on this world will be determined by those close to me, those whom I have a very direct ability to affect. So it's because of them, and for them, that I know I can get better. I'm getting better for my sake, because I'm tired of causing pain and being alone, but I'm not kidding myself about the fact that I couldn't do this by myself. I've tried doing this by myself before, and it's just landed me back at the bottom of a bottle. It's not entirely my will that's saving me. It's my will that's allowing me to be saved. It's my efforts that are making changes happen, but it's my "higher power" that's even allowing them to happen.

Because I know that left to my own devices, I would go back to drinking and cutting and not care. Because then I'd be responsible for nobody but myself. I feel no responsibility towards my family, and little care for any actual "god" figure. Thus. That's a thing.

So yeah, been doing a fair amount of internal work on dealing with the different steps of AA for real. As difficult as it may be, it needs to happen. I'll be asking someone to be my sponsor this week, we'll see how that goes.

That's enough for tonight. As always, I love my friends.

[26/26 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[20/26 Days Going to the Gym]
[26/26 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/13] Entry Twenty Two: You don't know me.

So, yeah.

Don't have much today, and I'm exhausted, so I'm just going to sum up a bunch of stuff that I've thought about today.

A) One of the biggest issues I've had over the years and has never seemed to go away is that I always get really hurt and bothered because I always, always, always lose out to someone else. Everyone always picks someone else over me, always and with no exception. And. It doesn't look like it'll change at all, and it's going to keep on hurting but I just can't do anything about it. I know I was told not to always blame myself for it, but I really do blame myself for not being good enough. And I don't know. Is it too much to ask to ever be chosen first by someone, anyone? I feel like a permanent outcast sometimes because of it, idk.

And. Bleh. Too tired for the rest. This'll do for now. PEACE MAH IMAGINARY NIGLETS

[24/24 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[18/24 Days Going to the Gym]
[24/24 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/12] Entry Twenty One: Unbreakable

Wow. I just. I. Alright. I need to explain something.

So, the problem I've been helping Sarah with is this: She has a friend of hers, that she cares a lot about, but has a lot of issues. And when I say a lot, I mean he has a lot, a lot of issues. Ranging from depression to borderline personality disorder. The thing is that, although I don't share a lot of them and I'm not going to begin to pretend to know what he's going through, I can understand a lot of it. Because I've been there. I've sent out the texts he sent out, almost word for word, in the past. I know what some of those feelings are like. He's doing things that always crossed my minds but I always had the sense, or cowardice, not to do. And I'm watching from the outside exactly how much damage that behavior does, to everyone involved. And it's just weird man. It's really fucking weird.

It's weird because I've been on every end of it now, and I just don't know. It's weird because. I'm looking at these things and I'm like "I used to be like that." And even still struggle with some of these issues. I've gotten a lot better at dealing with them throughout the years, and juggle them accordingly to the best of my ability. I've learned the hard way how to navigate these corridors, but I know that I could very easily still be him, and I could have very easily been every inch as bad as him. Because at the moment, he's all my problems ever rolled up into one neat little package.

And I found myself giving advice not the end all answer that I've personally found to some of my problems, but instead just merely guided along by the lines of what hurt the least amount of people, and along the lines of the advice that proved invaluable to me as I went through those stages. And also the advice that was invaluable to those that I cared about. Because, looking at Sarah, I see in her a lot of what Ashley dealt with from me for a while, and I know that one of the best things Ashley did at the time was to put some real distance between her and I from my previously self destructive ways. And I really can't blame her for it, because it really was what was best for her. And, I found myself telling Sarah just that. If she wants to be a friend to Nick in his time of need, more power to her, and he's going to need a friend so I support her. But she also needs to draw her boundaries and take care of herself.

And at the same time, this all makes me even more appreciative of the people that I've been blessed with these past few years. I love each and every last one of you that has been with me throughout the years, and I know without them I wouldn't be where I am today. And I also feel like I owe the world to Ashley. I feel like, I honestly could spend an entire life at her beck and call and doing everything she'd ever need, and it wouldn't begin to meet the amount of good she's done me over the years, and I just, I don't know. I owe her many apologies, heartfelt from a level that I previously didn't think possible. And it makes me so, extremely glad, that she's here by my side watching as I finally get it and move forwards for real. I know there's a lot of people that I owe a lot of things to, and you all know who you are and I've told you why and I've told you these things straight out multiple times before. But I feel like, with Ashley, there's just so much more than can be said with words, so much more that I want to express that I just. I can't.

The letter I was writing the other day was to her, and now I just I'm glad I didn't finish it because it might not necessarily have been a good thing. They'd all just be words I've said before, or hinted at, or thought, or nothing new. And I just. Words right now fail me, because I don't think I could begin to establish the basis of my current feelings, at all. I just. And a lot of it is aimed at her because she's caught the brunt of the bad and the good as the cycles come and go, and she's still there, and even now she's at my side and I Just. I just. I don't know, I feel like all I can say is Thank you so very much, Ashley. Thank you from the bottom of the heart. Thank you for every day, and every everything, and I just. I can't. Words are failing and I just. I'm so sorry I've hurt you and if I could I'd take it all back but I Just. Words.

And all of this is just redoubling my resolve to fully fix myself. They say teaching is the best way to learn, and right now I feel like that's really accurate. I feel like, I understood and learned more in the past 48 hours than I thought I would. And learn isn't the proper word for it, it's more like it's truly sunk in once and for all, and I just, yeah. It's weird guys. It's mad weird.

And I know I talked a lot about Ashley, but all of you know that I owe you just as much. Scott's been there for too long and I've told him directly that I'd be so much worse without him. Will knows it too. Michelle and Nikki are such strong pillars of support that I"m glad they're there. Nolan is very well aware of how much I owe him, and how grateful I am that he's saved me and is still at my side, and I just. There's so many more people I could name. All of you, I love you, and thank you so much.

[23/23 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[18/23 Days Going to the Gym]
[23/23 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/10-10/11] Entry Twenty: Remember The Name

So. I didn't exactly forget to post yesterday. I more made the conscious decision not to, and just wait. There were a few reasons for it, of which I put in my own private journal, so, that's that as far as that goes.

To bring it down chronologically, we'll start with yesterday. I spent most of yesterday hanging out with the Freshman, Sarah, and it was fun, and whatnot. And it just kind of reinforced my idea that my strategy of dealing with that entire situation, of just stepping back for a while and just dealing with it a day at a time every so often, is working. Because that's literally how that is going right now. I'm talking to her and hanging out with her for like a day or two at a time, and just sitting back and letting her little bitchy, shitty friend throw his fit and wait until she wants to hang out with me again. I'm letting her know that I'm available when I am, but I'm not going to play those high school games that her friends are playing. And so far it's working out.

Most of our time yesterday was working on homework, me helping her with an issue she's dealing with, and then playing games. And this is a circumstance that I can really tell my age, because as she talks about all these going on in her life, I know I've been there at different points. I know what those things are like, some of them I'm even at right now, and I can tell her in my experience, what is a safe way to navigate these scenarios. But I don't even like doing that. Because I'm not really part of her friend group and shit I can offer her neutral advice about what's going on. I literally just sit back and be like "Ok, so, if things are like X and Y, you have your choices, and whats possibly going on that you're not aware of is A, B, and C and only you can figure out what you should do.."

It's weird to think of me giving advice to anyone, but it turns out that I've dealt with more shit than I give myself credit for sometimes, and am actually right now in a place where I can actually be kinda useful. I opened her eyes to one thing, and as a result she is now in a happy relationship, of which I had nothing to do with. I just merely made her aware of how things were, and that's all I did. THat's really all I'm trying to do, all I try to do with ANYONE that comes to me for advice. I don't tell them what to do, or what they should do, I just try to help them see every angle of something, and then leave it at that.

And that's a strategy that I've developed from years of listening to some very good advice from a lot of real close friends and what not. I always notice that while I never pay attention to things they tell me to do, I pay attention to their observations of situations, and act based on those, not so much based on what they say I should do. And I feel like a lot of people don't really follow advice, so giving such straightforward advice is pointless. So I decided what I'd do instead is just try to educate and illuminate, and let them draw their own conclusions. Because no matter what I say, ain't nobody gonna do a damn thing. No matter what anyone says, ain't anybody gonna do a damn thing.

Today on the other hand, had a particularly shitty downturn from some texts and conversation. I was lucky at the time because I was with Ash, and although I don't think she noticed too much that I had a sudden dip, the fact was that because we were having fun regardless and hanging out and messing around, I was able to deal with it fairly decently. I put some distance between myself and the subject, and then when I was feeling better I dealt with it, and moved on. Of course, there was another substantial thing that occured in between the two.

AA. Meetings at AA are really working, and I couldn't tell you why at this point, but it's working. It really helps and so far every Friday I've gotten to Friday struggling to stay up, and being kicked down and just fighting my way there. And then along comes the AA meeting that always manages to rejuvenate me somehow, and it's helped. Quite a bit. The people there are really cool, and fun to talk to, and helpful. I know that I'm blessed with having amazing friends, but it's still hard to talk to people about some of the things that went through my head when I drank and why I drank and all that jazz. And although again I wasn't at a point where I was drinking every bloody day, I was still an alcoholic because there were very real parts of my life that I was incapable of dealing with without drinking. And I just. Yeah. I don't know. We'll see.

But it's now Friday night and I'm just chilling in my room, probably going to read until I fall asleep or something. And I don't know. Next Saturday is my 30 day mark, and the day that I take my biggest step forwards yet. And I'm terrified, and I just, idk. We will see what happens then.

Once again, I love my friends, thank you guys. I would be fucked without all of you. I love you, I really do.

[22/22 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[17/22 Days Going to the Gym]
[22/22 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/9] Entry Ninteteen: Sally's Song

So, change of scenery for today. Writing this from anime club because I doubt I'll be conscious enough when I get back to write anything, or even stay awake for that matter, so I'm making do with what I got while I can.

Got a text today from one of the parents that visited last week, just checking up on me and making sure I was ok, giving me encouragement and sympathizing with how hard it must be to stay sober when everyone around me is drinking and in an atmosphere that generally conduces itself to drinking. So. That was an interesting experience, and definitely one that I'm glad I had. Things like that generally help.

Wednesdays are generally days that by the time the night hits I'm exhausted and lacking strongly in mental capacity. Spent most of the night dealing with helping a friend, the aforementioned chick who I was talking to and decided not to look at this, Sarah, helping her deal with a bunch of her problems and slowly guiding her through them, giving her advice but never holding her hand through shit, letting her make her own conclusions and whatnot. She's doing better and seems to have succesfully navigated that particular obstacle that was presented to her so.

Too tired for anything else from me today, that's it.

[20/20 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[15/20 Days Going to the Gym]
[20/20 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/8] Entry Eighteen: The Reason

So. I don't really know where I'm at right now. Well no, that's a lie. I'm moving. Where I'm moving to, and where from, only time will tell. But I'm taking those steps, to wherever the hell they'll lead.

I finally took off my ER bracelet today. Almost three weeks later. I took it off but I placed it somewhere that I will see it every day. I will see it and I will be reminded every day until I can look at it and say "That's not me anymore." Which is where I'm working towards. I'm officially past the halfway point of my first goal of 30 days without drinking. And from there my goal will be 90 days. And so on. The number of facts that contributed to what's happened are not so much increasing, as much as I'm becoming more and more aware of exactly what all those facts were. And as I get closer to being able to name them all, I'll be able to fix them all.

I'm working on how I deal with people, and how I deal with bullshit. I'm working on how much I let myself get into any given activity/person. The shenanigans with all the freshmen is being dealt with adequately, cool headed, and distanced just enough to not go crazy but not so much that I'm running away. I'm just picking and choosing my battles much better than I normally do. I'm slowly being able to /joke/ about alcohol again, but, not really. I don't know, that's a weird one in general. Because it's not like I was drinking EVERY night, I just had certain circumstances that I physically could not deal with without alcohol. There may be some middle ground to be had, but, that's not something to worry about right now. That's a bridge that will be crossed when I get to it.

Also, I realized I've completely blacked out a certain person's existence from my memory. Like, it's not like I don't remember her, it's just that if someone asked me what she looked like or what her voice was like, I can sadly say that I've blocked them. I feel them there, I know they're there, but it's just entirely too painful to deal with, even now. So, eventually, I'll tackle it. But again, that too has it's own time.

I'm dealing with things one at a time, I'm not so much focused on dealing with everything at once, or thinking about how I"m doing to deal with [x] or [y] when the time comes for most things. There's some things, that yes, I'm paying closer attention to, but the reason for that being that those are generally more important matters, that I at least need to put on a schedule, which I have! And that's as far as I've gone on them. It's a matter of a day at a time and one thing at a time. If I try taking on everything at once, I'm going to burn myself out, like I did at first, so, slow and steady. Like my over all goal here is to not want to blow my brains out by the time I'm 25. Which, as silly as it may seem, is honestly what I think will happen when I do hit 25. So, the goal here is to avert that, somehow, and to get me to a place where I can live and not want to grab a gun and blow my brains out all over a wall.

I was convinced today to start a private journal that nobody but me will read, even if it's just jotted down. A journal that I'll force myself to admit the things that I hide from myself, and to be able to at least see them written down there, and have to face them somehow. I decided that as I admit things to myself, and start dealing with them, I'll bring it up over here, but there are still things that I'm not putting down on here because of fear. Fear not just of other people finding out, but, fear of myself admitting it and losing it. At least in private, nobody can see the break down, which will be readily apparent if I tackle those few things over here. So that's a thing.

Next up on my list of shit that I really need to start tackling, even a little bit: My Self Esteem. Which, is at an all time low right now.

[19/19 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[14/19 Days Going to the Gym]
[19/19 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/7] Entry Seventeen: Be Human

So, today's is going to be short because I'm exhausted and have a headache so, my mental capacity is down.

Which reminds me about something I've noticed recently. I don't know if its because of the meds, or the lack of drinking, or the concentrated efforts at, well, improving myself, but I'm noticing my cognitive capabilities are going back to what they used to. Split second observations, reactions, more thorough analysis, etc.

A lot of this was going to be a letter to someone, things that need to be said and that should be said and what not. But about halfway through writing I changed my mind, it's not like they'll read it, so it was never meant to actually be read, at some point though I just decided it was a futile idea.

Alright. My head's getting worse, and I got nothing. I'm going to go curl up. Also, no gym today because HAHAHAHA. Monday's suck balls.

[18/18 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[13/18 Days Going to the Gym]
[18/18 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/6] Entry Sixteen: In My City

Here we go unto the breach once more.

You know, I sabotage myself, we know this, this is nothing new. But it always seems to both hit me strongest in my academics, and simultaneously make no "noticeable" difference. To put it into context, there's a difference between an A or a B, and MY B or A. I can still make the grades, but the question always comes down to whether or not I'm actually integrating and absorbing the info and gaining something from it. Semesters and classes that I don't sabotage myself, are semesters where the people around me notice it. If not then, then later. Like my Chinese history courses for example, I gave my all to those courses and it's noticeable, and those around me can tell. I gave my all towards my programming and web design courses, and that was noticeable. But now I find myself in film courses that I want nothing to do with, still have an A or B in all my classes, but, so very done with all of them it's hilarious.

And yet it's not. Because it's currently 3:20 am and I have a fuckton of work I need to do in the next eighteen hours. I have a schedule for everything I need to do, and I've overestimated to make sure I have time to get everything done without being hurried, but it's still procrastination and I can feel like I should be better than that by a mile and I half. And i dunno, I feel like I could be gaining so much more from these courses if only I could bring myself to give a flying rats ass. But I really don't, I really fucking don't. And it's a problem, and right now it's taking effort to get the B or the A, and it shouldn't, but it is. And it's frustrating, because it's all my fault? So. We'll see how that goes. I have schedules for the next 48 hours in general so, we'll see how that shit goes. Well, is what I'm hoping the answer will be, but again, we'll see.

Had a pretty uneventful day, not a day where I did nothing, because I did a fair amount of shit even if I did get up at 3 pm. So I guess uneventful isn't the word for it, but rather, it wasn't noteworthy, is a better way to phrase it. No real complaints though, got to spend time with people I care about so, it ends up being all good in my book.

Had a quick conversation about her, and the fact I still can't think about her without recoiling and causing myself to have a downward spiral if I'm not careful. Much less say her name, I've done that maybe once or twice? I don't know. It's just. I will deal with it, in it's own time. There's a time table for that event, but it has me getting my shit together on my own as a prerequisite to it occurring. So. Step at a time.

I still feel the days slipping away though. I've combatted that to some degree, and have begun to find meaning in my every day life, but I need to add something to the mix that'll keep me going. I know a part of it is just the fact that at my core I really do have a thirst for adventure. Or rather, a thirst for new shit, whatever it may be. So it's hard not to get bored with my surroundings. It's not uncommon for me to look at my life and just look at it as highly lackluster because I just can't appreciate things after a while. And if it's close enough to something else that I've already had experience with, it can't even catch my attention if it's "new." I need true changes and distinctions, I need things to challenge my world view and how I interact with the world. Without those, I lack meaning. And every day that goes by without something challenging me, is a day I view as lost.

Not sure if that makes any real sense, but there it goes.

I will succeed. I promise. I will.

[17/17 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[13/17 Days Going to the Gym] 
[17/17 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/4-10/5] Entry Fifteen: Inner Universe

((Hahahahaha. Alright so. I DID technically write a post last night. But I hit save instead of publish? And am only now realizing it? So instead I'm just going to merge the two so, bleh. That's that. Doing some minor edit to differentiate what happened Friday/Saturday and whatnot but that's about it.))

So where to start? Friday was an... interesting day. It was honestly for the most part a lot of fun, and really relaxing and different and just. I enjoyed the evening a lot. I got to watch a movie and grabbed dinner off campus with a friend and it was a lot of fun. It's night like these that lift my spirits in general and make me glad I have the friends I have, and that let me keep on going. Completely inconsequential nights where nothing super duper important happens (At least, comparatively) but yet are memorable in their own way. And. I don't know.

Also, AA on Friday was really interesting as well. It's parent's weekend, so you have parents coming down and visiting the school and their kids and going to all sorts of events that UT sets up for them and all that jazz. And, a few of them actually came to AA. And that was an interesting experience to say the least. Because a lot of them were all grateful about how they were sober because thats why they had their kids/family/etc while the people who normally go to this particular meeting were more of a "Fuck this happy bullshit. I'm still struggling with this bullshittery and it's not really ok for me quite yet." So that was an interesting dynamic. It certainly reassured me though, as AA generally does, that I'm not alone, and that my reactions to some things are actually fairly normal. All in all I just ended up feeling mad grateful for my friends.

Also met with Mrs. Law for a bit. Also interesting. Which just fed the previous conclusion.  Nothing particular memorable about it other than the fact we just talked about how I'm holding up and the realities behind my condition(s). It's reassuring to hear someone else tell me that hey, the fact my depression is killer isn't entirely my fault because biology is a dick sometimes. T'is life.

Wanted to go to Shadocon on Saturday, but I got hit really bad with food poisoning and was basically stuck in the bathroom till around 2pm, at which I was too weak to do jackshit other than go to bed for an hour or two.

I still feel like something is missing, like something is wrong. Although that's always been there, and I Distinctly remember drinking that particular feeling away. Very few things are fulfilling, and it's been very prominent lately. And it's even escalated to when I'm hanging out with people that I generally enjoy spending time with. It's all just one big game in my head that can't seem to sort itself out on the bloody rules. I need to find something that I like doing that is fulfilling. This feeling of waste, unfulfillment, and laziness is really quite troublesome, and also something I'm not used to dealing with when sober. It's plagued for me most of my time in college and it got stronger over the summer as I got closer to graduation. I really am so uncertain, so scared about my future, and so uncaring about what I'm doing, and so worried about whether or not it'll be successful and fulfilling that it's already started to hit me. I'm also mad stressed lately, and I'm not exactly sure why, but it's mounting. And Stress is one of just about everyone's triggers for crazy shit, so I need to find a good way to destress and stat.

Also on another note. Sexual frustration, is also rising exponentially. It's been about four months since I last had any sort of action and before that I spent a month getting it pretty regularly, and even then it was at worse a two month period in between at the most. So. It's actually really starting to bug me. It's hard to describe but it's making me think about situations more often and making people that shouldn't be close to fuckable, look fuckable. Shit, even a blowjob would be nice about now. It's silly but, jesus if it isn't something that can really distract and fuck with your head for a bit. Especially when you consider that at one point I was a legitimate slut. Ugh ugh ugh.

That's all I got for right now. Oh! I lied. So far I've only been doing running as far as working out goes and pushing myself on that end, starting monday I'll also be doing weights and stuff. That's a thing. Oh! Also, personal victory on my part: The other night my roomates had left alcohol out in the common room and instead of, y'know, drinking it like is generally done by any one with any booze left in the common room, I put in one of my roomates room instead. That's kind of a personal victory on my part. So. Whatever.

Life's weird.

[16/16 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[13/16 Days Going to the Gym] 
[16/16 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/3] Entry Fourteen: Brand New Sucker

So as I sit here, hitting next on Pandora and coming close to my hourly limit even for a Pandora One account, I don't know where to start. There's a lot racing about in my head, a lot that needs to get written down on paper, and I don't know where to start.

Well, I might as well start explaining yesterday's abysmally short post: I was exhausted and mad down. To put it in perspective, staying conscious was taking all my effort by that point, and therefore that meant that effort I should have been putting into controlling my bullshit, was elsewise occupied. Meaning I was in a real, real bad place. And sadly, sleeping didn't really fix it, it just made it a bit more bearable for a short while. And I say a short while because it wasn't long after waking up that I quickly felt like shit again.

Today has been a really hard day over all. It marks being two weeks sober but I've never wanted to drink more than I did tonight. And I got dangerously close to cutting again tonight. Like. It was actually kinda close enough that it really, really, REALLY scared me. It's been a really long while since I did that one, and I want to keep it that way. But I was just so far down the rabbit hole tonight, that, I felt like I was so beyond help that I had little choice left. I really wanted badly wanted to drive that blade in. I knew I couldn't drink it away, so the only option I had left was to curl up in a corner and let the blood flow. I've never really been sure why it was an option in the first place, why it happened, why it worked, but, it always felt like it did help. Every cut was retribution for my "crimes" whatever those might have been. I don't know, but I got really close to doing it for real again. And it wasn't good.

I feel like I should be in a place where these things don't phase me as much. Where my emotions shouldn't go down the the tube at a drop of a dime. But they do, and for however much I try to control them manually, it's becoming increasingly apparent that I never really got a hold on how to do that, I would just drink or cut it away until it wasn't a problem for that night anymore. Or until I was so out of it I didn't care anymore. And realistically there shouldn't be much of anything that should be able to send me down those paths. I should have control, or immunity, or avoidance, or something that prevents me from falling down the damn rabbit hole time and time again. But I just get triggered and off I go. And I've been triggered a dickton lately, and it needs to fucking cut it out because moving on is hard if I get started on the downward slope at every turn, every day. I stared straight down into the abyss today, and it wasn't fun.

And I'm not gonna lie, I wouldn't have been able to make it through it by myself. No way in hell would that have happened. If it wasn't for the fact I had a really good friend talk me through it tonight, I can promise you that I would be in a much worse spot right now. And it's not like she did anything super human on any objective level. But by just talking me through it she accomplish what would have been for me alone, a super human feat. So thank you so much for helping me through it. And thank you for renewing my determination to keep on going. In all our talks these past couple of days, I think everything you're saying is hitting home more than you might realize. I'll mention A and B and then you'll go through C-Z effortlessly and just kind of leave me stupefied. I'm not going to lie, you've been a huge help, and continue to, and I hope will continue to. Thank you so much.

So I decided that I'm going to try to put some real distance between me and some of my triggers. Not running away, not completely cut it off, just put some healthy distance until I can deal with my own shit better. I'm honestly not too sure that I can deal with other shit on top of my own. In fact I know I can't. So I need to step away until I can deal with that shit.

On another note. I'm realizing, very quickly, that being alone is a massive trigger for me. I'm not sure why but I can't be alone anymore. I don't find solace in reading books, or writing, or programming, or anything that I used to do for fun that might have been considered a solitary activity. I physically can not deal with being alone right now. If I'm not surrounded by people I don't feel right, I feel like I'm not using my time to it's fullest potential, I feel like a failure and I feel like I need to stop it. And that's something that I have to work on by myself, because I need to get to a place where I can be with my thoughts and be ok. I need to be able to be with myself not want to blow my god damned brains out. It's kind of a huge problem, I know. It's something that avoiding this problem has actually led to more problems, so I just need to deal with this beast and stop pretending it doesn't exist. Because it does. And it's kind of a big one.

I need to stop feeling like I have something to prove to the universe. Like I need to validate my existence. And the problem is that I can only ever feel close to accomplishing that through the presence of others. Which is just a compounding problem. I guess my self esteem just really needs to be built back up, somehow.

And to the one that keeps on telling me that it's going to get better: Believe me, I'm listening to you. I'm basically riding on the fact that you're right. It has to get better, somehow. I need to make it better. I need to stop the bad stuff. It's not just magically going to get better, I need to make it happen. And I am, however slowly, but I am.

One day at a time, one step at a time.

[14/14 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[11/14 Days Going to the Gym] 
[14/14 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/2] Entry Thirteen: One Day More

 Short one tonight. Just. Just gotta keep going. One day at a time, one hour at a time. Gotta keep going.

[13/13 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[10/13 Days Going to the Gym] 
[13/13 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[10/1] Entry Twelve: One Day Too Late

((Note: If nobody's noticed yet, most of the titles of these things are song titles. I think only entries 9 and 5 and 2 I think aren't based on song titles. Fun bit.))

So. In uh, in an effort to be entirely honest to myself, I'm going to be saying something in a bit. But first, I want to point something out, as much to myself as to anyone else. I've gotten fan-fucking-tastic at lying to myself. If I can keep something at the fringes of my mind, and then when I have to deal with that thing in real life, if I pretend it's something else, and I either hide from it or just lie about it, I don't exactly believe it, but it soothes the demons. Meaning I don't have to deal with that shit. At all. In other words, the more shit I admit on here, the more it means that I'm not lying to myself and forcing myself to deal with the ugly truths.

So anyways, what I was going to talk about. Onwards shall we? Yeah I'm also kind of trying to prolong it because, idk. Because I'm a shithead. That's my growing guess.

Anyways. So. After the other chick read my texts and conversation with Ash, I decided to take what she said to heart. And decided that since I had already decided I would eventually trust her anyways, I should at least give her the choice of finding out about the existence of this place. I sent her a quick blurb on FB about it, and then gave her the choice. And uh. She didn't reply. So, I took that as her answer to be a no because, I mean, she talked to me later that day like normal. So. I just decided to move on, accept that it meant she didn't want to and am taking appropriate measures in my head to deal with it. What those measures are, I'm not quite sure yet. That's a debate that's still definitely happening, and I'll figure out what it means later. But, the ultimate point of the matter is that it kind of hurts and made me feel dejected? I mean, I can understand why and I don't blame her at all and whatever, but, yeah. Idk. It's kind of really embarrassing and more. So yeah. That's one thing.

Up next on the agenda? AUTO PILOT. Isn't that cool? I have an agenda today. WOOT WOOT.

Anyways. So. I got told today that I go on Auto Pilot, and, it's bad. Now. I want to clarify something: I've known to some degree that I go on auto-pilot, but, I've never heard it referred to as bad. Nor has it ever been pointed out that the consequences of going on auto-pilot still very much apply to me. And it's not that I thought they didn't apply to me, it's that I hadn't really considered it. The comment was kind of in response to my blog post over the weekend about just wanting to do something brainless. And, I have to say that, auto pilot describes a large part of my days recently. I'm, quite honestly, not really afraid, but just, almost incapable? Of dealing with the day-to-day. I sleep as much as I possibly can lately, because sleeping allows me to go through time as fast as possible, with as little thought as possible. And I throw myself at my classes and work because I can just turn off and do that shit. I've been playing an extremely mindless video game because it lets me 100% tune out of reality. And even before I've kind of always done to things around me. I basically only turn it off when I'm around people that I want to be around. As an example, I can honestly say I've probably never had it on whenever I held a conversation with anyone reading this, and a few others. But it's only during those circumstances, when it involves people I like, that I find myself coming back to reality.

Why? Now that I think about it, it's probably tied somehow to the fact that my "social" life and my friends have always absolutely run my life, and that I draw self-worth from my friends. It's only during those situations that I enjoy myself, but that also means that I am highly susceptible to what they think of me, and the flow and the ebb of emotions and moods as the days come and go. So, the two are probably somehow tied. But yeah. I don't know.

I guess that in a large sense of the word, existing is all I can do, because I really just... I guess I just don't want to live right now. Facing shit is really hard, and exhausting, and every time I come back to reality my mind turns into a speeding bullet and it gets out of control and it's difficult to handle. So I've been kind of hiding from it. And I used to do it by drinking, but that doesn't work anymore, so I can't. So Idk. That's another reason I started to this, to force myself to come back for at least a few hours a day. I don't know, I don't know much nowadays.

"That's not living, you're just existing at that point. And what's the point of that? Where's the fun in that?"

Yeah. Yeah. I keep on hearing those words over and over in my head and it's true and I just. I don't know. I don't know what to do about it. I really don't know. Because even if I come back, there's still large stretches of every day where I have nothing to do. And sleeping is easier than any activity that requires brainpower. So I don't know. Sighduck. Sigh igh igh duck.

I really don't know what the fuck is expected of me any more ok? My to be career is in fuck knows where right now, my sanity is fucking gone, I have no fucking home, and I'm becoming increasingly certain that the only possible way for someone to even put up with me, is to have known me years ago. There is no physical way for anyone that I meet now to put up with me and it's not ok. My mind is just flat out shit-gone on it.

I mean, to be honest, dealing with the shit I deal with regardless takes effort because I am trying healthy ways to deal with it. I'm trying to not obsess over it, which is really hard for me to do because it's somethign that I'm damn good at. I obsess with the best of them. And it's taking efforts not to obsess over the Sarah thing, over what I did, over little things, and it's all things that trigger me so it's like I'm walking a tightrope. And you know what, that fucking tightrope sucks. And I know the only reason I'm on that tightrope is because of my own flaws and it's my fault, I just... I just... I don't know.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for going on autopilot so much. No buts. Just a thing. I know it's not fine to those around me, and I know it's not fair, but still.

[12/12 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[9/12 Days Going to the Gym] 
[12/12 Days Running Taking My Meds]

[9/30] Entry Eleven: Crystallize

So. Another meeting with Mrs. Law today, a conversation with Ashley, and kind of forced to open to someone that I had hoped I could keep out of my crazy for at least a while longer. Also, fuck my schedule, I forgot how exhausting nonstop classes were.

So, where do I want to start? Oh, I know. On the conversation with Mrs. Law today: It was certainly interesting. She like so many others gave me credit for what I've accomplished academically and what not, and gave me praise that I'm still not sure I deserve because of how easy it can honestly be for me at times. I recognize that for others its hard, and that even for people who find it easy, it's often the case where they don't just because they don't care, but still. I shouldn't get praise for something that takes minimal effort on my part. Although she did also point out the fact that I'm being active about staying sober by willingly going to extra AA meetings and whatnot, and I'll be honest, THAT is really hard. There's so many things going on that normally would make me want to cut, drink, or smoke. And the fact I'm doing none of the above and have been doing none of the above these past few weeks. I've grown so used to not dealing with things because dealing with them meant so much worse would happen, that, having to face some of these things and stay sober is really, really hard.

But I'm staying in there. I'm avoiding as many pot holes as I can on this road I'm on.
And I'll be honest, I owe a lot of it to my friends. I can not stress enough how glad I am that each and every one of them is at my side, that I know I can count on them. A lot of them, I've been through a lot of shit with over the years, good and bad. And they still have my back, and I don't think they can ever understand how much that means to me. Because I wouldn't even be alive today if it wasn't for my friends, it's cliche but true.

One of the freshman, Nick, the other day was having a moral dilemma about whether or not he should transfer. He wanted to drop out this past sunday because his to-be-transferred-to school had already accepted him, but he wanted to stay because even in just a few short weeks he had met people that meant a lot to him and like I told him, it's easier to be a big fish in a small pond than a big fish in a huge lake. I told him that I had stayed at UT 100% because of my friends, and that I wouldn't have changed it for the world. And the fact of the matter is that it's true. No matter what else, I would not change these friendships I've made at school, the people I've met, and the lessons I've learned, for anything.

Also Ashley showed me something today, that, kind of brought something really close to home, and... I just. Yeah. Not ready to talk about it yet, it seems, not even to myself. I'll come back to it later, some other day, I promise.

Scott asked me how I'm doing and my honest answer was "I don't know." Because I really don't know anymore. Part of me is good to go, the other part of me is still struggling to pick up the pieces. And I just. I don't want to hurt anyone else again, I don't want to let anyone else down, at all. And it's hard to keep on facing all this shit with my head held high because I'm basically letting a gigantic fucking shitstorm of everything imaginable smack me in the face. But it's the only way I have of moving forwards, of learning, and just. Yeah.

Debating whether or not to show this blog to the new person that somehow forced herself into shit. Iunno. We'll see.

[11/11 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[9/11 Days Going to the Gym] 
[11/11 Days Running Taking My Meds]