((Hahahahaha. Alright so. I DID technically write a post last night. But I hit save instead of publish? And am only now realizing it? So instead I'm just going to merge the two so, bleh. That's that. Doing some minor edit to differentiate what happened Friday/Saturday and whatnot but that's about it.))
So where to start? Friday was an... interesting day. It was honestly for the most part a lot of fun, and really relaxing and different and just. I enjoyed the evening a lot. I got to watch a movie and grabbed dinner off campus with a friend and it was a lot of fun. It's night like these that lift my spirits in general and make me glad I have the friends I have, and that let me keep on going. Completely inconsequential nights where nothing super duper important happens (At least, comparatively) but yet are memorable in their own way. And. I don't know.
Also, AA on Friday was really interesting as well. It's parent's weekend, so you have parents coming down and visiting the school and their kids and going to all sorts of events that UT sets up for them and all that jazz. And, a few of them actually came to AA. And that was an interesting experience to say the least. Because a lot of them were all grateful about how they were sober because thats why they had their kids/family/etc while the people who normally go to this particular meeting were more of a "Fuck this happy bullshit. I'm still struggling with this bullshittery and it's not really ok for me quite yet." So that was an interesting dynamic. It certainly reassured me though, as AA generally does, that I'm not alone, and that my reactions to some things are actually fairly normal. All in all I just ended up feeling mad grateful for my friends.
Also met with Mrs. Law for a bit. Also interesting. Which just fed the previous conclusion. Nothing particular memorable about it other than the fact we just talked about how I'm holding up and the realities behind my condition(s). It's reassuring to hear someone else tell me that hey, the fact my depression is killer isn't entirely my fault because biology is a dick sometimes. T'is life.
Wanted to go to Shadocon on Saturday, but I got hit really bad with food poisoning and was basically stuck in the bathroom till around 2pm, at which I was too weak to do jackshit other than go to bed for an hour or two.
I still feel like something is missing, like something is wrong. Although that's always been there, and I Distinctly remember drinking that particular feeling away. Very few things are fulfilling, and it's been very prominent lately. And it's even escalated to when I'm hanging out with people that I generally enjoy spending time with. It's all just one big game in my head that can't seem to sort itself out on the bloody rules. I need to find something that I like doing that is fulfilling. This feeling of waste, unfulfillment, and laziness is really quite troublesome, and also something I'm not used to dealing with when sober. It's plagued for me most of my time in college and it got stronger over the summer as I got closer to graduation. I really am so uncertain, so scared about my future, and so uncaring about what I'm doing, and so worried about whether or not it'll be successful and fulfilling that it's already started to hit me. I'm also mad stressed lately, and I'm not exactly sure why, but it's mounting. And Stress is one of just about everyone's triggers for crazy shit, so I need to find a good way to destress and stat.
Also on another note. Sexual frustration, is also rising exponentially. It's been about four months since I last had any sort of action and before that I spent a month getting it pretty regularly, and even then it was at worse a two month period in between at the most. So. It's actually really starting to bug me. It's hard to describe but it's making me think about situations more often and making people that shouldn't be close to fuckable, look fuckable. Shit, even a blowjob would be nice about now. It's silly but, jesus if it isn't something that can really distract and fuck with your head for a bit. Especially when you consider that at one point I was a legitimate slut. Ugh ugh ugh.
That's all I got for right now. Oh! I lied. So far I've only been doing running as far as working out goes and pushing myself on that end, starting monday I'll also be doing weights and stuff. That's a thing. Oh! Also, personal victory on my part: The other night my roomates had left alcohol out in the common room and instead of, y'know, drinking it like is generally done by any one with any booze left in the common room, I put in one of my roomates room instead. That's kind of a personal victory on my part. So. Whatever.
Life's weird.
[16/16 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[13/16 Days Going to the Gym]
[16/16 Days Running Taking My Meds]
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