Wow. I just. I. Alright. I need to explain something.
So, the problem I've been helping Sarah with is this: She has a friend of hers, that she cares a lot about, but has a lot of issues. And when I say a lot, I mean he has a lot, a lot of issues. Ranging from depression to borderline personality disorder. The thing is that, although I don't share a lot of them and I'm not going to begin to pretend to know what he's going through, I can understand a lot of it. Because I've been there. I've sent out the texts he sent out, almost word for word, in the past. I know what some of those feelings are like. He's doing things that always crossed my minds but I always had the sense, or cowardice, not to do. And I'm watching from the outside exactly how much damage that behavior does, to everyone involved. And it's just weird man. It's really fucking weird.
It's weird because I've been on every end of it now, and I just don't know. It's weird because. I'm looking at these things and I'm like "I used to be like that." And even still struggle with some of these issues. I've gotten a lot better at dealing with them throughout the years, and juggle them accordingly to the best of my ability. I've learned the hard way how to navigate these corridors, but I know that I could very easily still be him, and I could have very easily been every inch as bad as him. Because at the moment, he's all my problems ever rolled up into one neat little package.
And I found myself giving advice not the end all answer that I've personally found to some of my problems, but instead just merely guided along by the lines of what hurt the least amount of people, and along the lines of the advice that proved invaluable to me as I went through those stages. And also the advice that was invaluable to those that I cared about. Because, looking at Sarah, I see in her a lot of what Ashley dealt with from me for a while, and I know that one of the best things Ashley did at the time was to put some real distance between her and I from my previously self destructive ways. And I really can't blame her for it, because it really was what was best for her. And, I found myself telling Sarah just that. If she wants to be a friend to Nick in his time of need, more power to her, and he's going to need a friend so I support her. But she also needs to draw her boundaries and take care of herself.
And at the same time, this all makes me even more appreciative of the people that I've been blessed with these past few years. I love each and every last one of you that has been with me throughout the years, and I know without them I wouldn't be where I am today. And I also feel like I owe the world to Ashley. I feel like, I honestly could spend an entire life at her beck and call and doing everything she'd ever need, and it wouldn't begin to meet the amount of good she's done me over the years, and I just, I don't know. I owe her many apologies, heartfelt from a level that I previously didn't think possible. And it makes me so, extremely glad, that she's here by my side watching as I finally get it and move forwards for real. I know there's a lot of people that I owe a lot of things to, and you all know who you are and I've told you why and I've told you these things straight out multiple times before. But I feel like, with Ashley, there's just so much more than can be said with words, so much more that I want to express that I just. I can't.
The letter I was writing the other day was to her, and now I just I'm glad I didn't finish it because it might not necessarily have been a good thing. They'd all just be words I've said before, or hinted at, or thought, or nothing new. And I just. Words right now fail me, because I don't think I could begin to establish the basis of my current feelings, at all. I just. And a lot of it is aimed at her because she's caught the brunt of the bad and the good as the cycles come and go, and she's still there, and even now she's at my side and I Just. I just. I don't know, I feel like all I can say is Thank you so very much, Ashley. Thank you from the bottom of the heart. Thank you for every day, and every everything, and I just. I can't. Words are failing and I just. I'm so sorry I've hurt you and if I could I'd take it all back but I Just. Words.
And all of this is just redoubling my resolve to fully fix myself. They say teaching is the best way to learn, and right now I feel like that's really accurate. I feel like, I understood and learned more in the past 48 hours than I thought I would. And learn isn't the proper word for it, it's more like it's truly sunk in once and for all, and I just, yeah. It's weird guys. It's mad weird.
And I know I talked a lot about Ashley, but all of you know that I owe you just as much. Scott's been there for too long and I've told him directly that I'd be so much worse without him. Will knows it too. Michelle and Nikki are such strong pillars of support that I"m glad they're there. Nolan is very well aware of how much I owe him, and how grateful I am that he's saved me and is still at my side, and I just. There's so many more people I could name. All of you, I love you, and thank you so much.
[23/23 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[18/23 Days Going to the Gym]
[23/23 Days Running Taking My Meds]
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