So as I sit here, hitting next on Pandora and coming close to my hourly limit even for a Pandora One account, I don't know where to start. There's a lot racing about in my head, a lot that needs to get written down on paper, and I don't know where to start.
Well, I might as well start explaining yesterday's abysmally short post: I was exhausted and mad down. To put it in perspective, staying conscious was taking all my effort by that point, and therefore that meant that effort I should have been putting into controlling my bullshit, was elsewise occupied. Meaning I was in a real, real bad place. And sadly, sleeping didn't really fix it, it just made it a bit more bearable for a short while. And I say a short while because it wasn't long after waking up that I quickly felt like shit again.
Today has been a really hard day over all. It marks being two weeks sober but I've never wanted to drink more than I did tonight. And I got dangerously close to cutting again tonight. Like. It was actually kinda close enough that it really, really, REALLY scared me. It's been a really long while since I did that one, and I want to keep it that way. But I was just so far down the rabbit hole tonight, that, I felt like I was so beyond help that I had little choice left. I really wanted badly wanted to drive that blade in. I knew I couldn't drink it away, so the only option I had left was to curl up in a corner and let the blood flow. I've never really been sure why it was an option in the first place, why it happened, why it worked, but, it always felt like it did help. Every cut was retribution for my "crimes" whatever those might have been. I don't know, but I got really close to doing it for real again. And it wasn't good.
I feel like I should be in a place where these things don't phase me as much. Where my emotions shouldn't go down the the tube at a drop of a dime. But they do, and for however much I try to control them manually, it's becoming increasingly apparent that I never really got a hold on how to do that, I would just drink or cut it away until it wasn't a problem for that night anymore. Or until I was so out of it I didn't care anymore. And realistically there shouldn't be much of anything that should be able to send me down those paths. I should have control, or immunity, or avoidance, or something that prevents me from falling down the damn rabbit hole time and time again. But I just get triggered and off I go. And I've been triggered a dickton lately, and it needs to fucking cut it out because moving on is hard if I get started on the downward slope at every turn, every day. I stared straight down into the abyss today, and it wasn't fun.
And I'm not gonna lie, I wouldn't have been able to make it through it by myself. No way in hell would that have happened. If it wasn't for the fact I had a really good friend talk me through it tonight, I can promise you that I would be in a much worse spot right now. And it's not like she did anything super human on any objective level. But by just talking me through it she accomplish what would have been for me alone, a super human feat. So thank you so much for helping me through it. And thank you for renewing my determination to keep on going. In all our talks these past couple of days, I think everything you're saying is hitting home more than you might realize. I'll mention A and B and then you'll go through C-Z effortlessly and just kind of leave me stupefied. I'm not going to lie, you've been a huge help, and continue to, and I hope will continue to. Thank you so much.
So I decided that I'm going to try to put some real distance between me and some of my triggers. Not running away, not completely cut it off, just put some healthy distance until I can deal with my own shit better. I'm honestly not too sure that I can deal with other shit on top of my own. In fact I know I can't. So I need to step away until I can deal with that shit.
On another note. I'm realizing, very quickly, that being alone is a massive trigger for me. I'm not sure why but I can't be alone anymore. I don't find solace in reading books, or writing, or programming, or anything that I used to do for fun that might have been considered a solitary activity. I physically can not deal with being alone right now. If I'm not surrounded by people I don't feel right, I feel like I'm not using my time to it's fullest potential, I feel like a failure and I feel like I need to stop it. And that's something that I have to work on by myself, because I need to get to a place where I can be with my thoughts and be ok. I need to be able to be with myself not want to blow my god damned brains out. It's kind of a huge problem, I know. It's something that avoiding this problem has actually led to more problems, so I just need to deal with this beast and stop pretending it doesn't exist. Because it does. And it's kind of a big one.
I need to stop feeling like I have something to prove to the universe. Like I need to validate my existence. And the problem is that I can only ever feel close to accomplishing that through the presence of others. Which is just a compounding problem. I guess my self esteem just really needs to be built back up, somehow.
And to the one that keeps on telling me that it's going to get better: Believe me, I'm listening to you. I'm basically riding on the fact that you're right. It has to get better, somehow. I need to make it better. I need to stop the bad stuff. It's not just magically going to get better, I need to make it happen. And I am, however slowly, but I am.
One day at a time, one step at a time.
[14/14 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[11/14 Days Going to the Gym]
[14/14 Days Running Taking My Meds]
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