((Note: If nobody's noticed yet, most of the titles of these things are song titles. I think only entries 9 and 5 and 2 I think aren't based on song titles. Fun bit.))
So. In uh, in an effort to be entirely honest to myself, I'm going to be saying something in a bit. But first, I want to point something out, as much to myself as to anyone else. I've gotten fan-fucking-tastic at lying to myself. If I can keep something at the fringes of my mind, and then when I have to deal with that thing in real life, if I pretend it's something else, and I either hide from it or just lie about it, I don't exactly believe it, but it soothes the demons. Meaning I don't have to deal with that shit. At all. In other words, the more shit I admit on here, the more it means that I'm not lying to myself and forcing myself to deal with the ugly truths.
So anyways, what I was going to talk about. Onwards shall we? Yeah I'm also kind of trying to prolong it because, idk. Because I'm a shithead. That's my growing guess.
Anyways. So. After the other chick read my texts and conversation with Ash, I decided to take what she said to heart. And decided that since I had already decided I would eventually trust her anyways, I should at least give her the choice of finding out about the existence of this place. I sent her a quick blurb on FB about it, and then gave her the choice. And uh. She didn't reply. So, I took that as her answer to be a no because, I mean, she talked to me later that day like normal. So. I just decided to move on, accept that it meant she didn't want to and am taking appropriate measures in my head to deal with it. What those measures are, I'm not quite sure yet. That's a debate that's still definitely happening, and I'll figure out what it means later. But, the ultimate point of the matter is that it kind of hurts and made me feel dejected? I mean, I can understand why and I don't blame her at all and whatever, but, yeah. Idk. It's kind of really embarrassing and more. So yeah. That's one thing.
Up next on the agenda? AUTO PILOT. Isn't that cool? I have an agenda today. WOOT WOOT.
Anyways. So. I got told today that I go on Auto Pilot, and, it's bad. Now. I want to clarify something: I've known to some degree that I go on auto-pilot, but, I've never heard it referred to as bad. Nor has it ever been pointed out that the consequences of going on auto-pilot still very much apply to me. And it's not that I thought they didn't apply to me, it's that I hadn't really considered it. The comment was kind of in response to my blog post over the weekend about just wanting to do something brainless. And, I have to say that, auto pilot describes a large part of my days recently. I'm, quite honestly, not really afraid, but just, almost incapable? Of dealing with the day-to-day. I sleep as much as I possibly can lately, because sleeping allows me to go through time as fast as possible, with as little thought as possible. And I throw myself at my classes and work because I can just turn off and do that shit. I've been playing an extremely mindless video game because it lets me 100% tune out of reality. And even before I've kind of always done to things around me. I basically only turn it off when I'm around people that I want to be around. As an example, I can honestly say I've probably never had it on whenever I held a conversation with anyone reading this, and a few others. But it's only during those circumstances, when it involves people I like, that I find myself coming back to reality.
Why? Now that I think about it, it's probably tied somehow to the fact that my "social" life and my friends have always absolutely run my life, and that I draw self-worth from my friends. It's only during those situations that I enjoy myself, but that also means that I am highly susceptible to what they think of me, and the flow and the ebb of emotions and moods as the days come and go. So, the two are probably somehow tied. But yeah. I don't know.
I guess that in a large sense of the word, existing is all I can do, because I really just... I guess I just don't want to live right now. Facing shit is really hard, and exhausting, and every time I come back to reality my mind turns into a speeding bullet and it gets out of control and it's difficult to handle. So I've been kind of hiding from it. And I used to do it by drinking, but that doesn't work anymore, so I can't. So Idk. That's another reason I started to this, to force myself to come back for at least a few hours a day. I don't know, I don't know much nowadays.
"That's not living, you're just existing at that point. And what's the point of that? Where's the fun in that?"
Yeah. Yeah. I keep on hearing those words over and over in my head and it's true and I just. I don't know. I don't know what to do about it. I really don't know. Because even if I come back, there's still large stretches of every day where I have nothing to do. And sleeping is easier than any activity that requires brainpower. So I don't know. Sighduck. Sigh igh igh duck.
I really don't know what the fuck is expected of me any more ok? My to be career is in fuck knows where right now, my sanity is fucking gone, I have no fucking home, and I'm becoming increasingly certain that the only possible way for someone to even put up with me, is to have known me years ago. There is no physical way for anyone that I meet now to put up with me and it's not ok. My mind is just flat out shit-gone on it.
I mean, to be honest, dealing with the shit I deal with regardless takes effort because I am trying healthy ways to deal with it. I'm trying to not obsess over it, which is really hard for me to do because it's somethign that I'm damn good at. I obsess with the best of them. And it's taking efforts not to obsess over the Sarah thing, over what I did, over little things, and it's all things that trigger me so it's like I'm walking a tightrope. And you know what, that fucking tightrope sucks. And I know the only reason I'm on that tightrope is because of my own flaws and it's my fault, I just... I just... I don't know.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for going on autopilot so much. No buts. Just a thing. I know it's not fine to those around me, and I know it's not fair, but still.
[12/12 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[9/12 Days Going to the Gym]
[12/12 Days Running Taking My Meds]
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