Yeah Yeah I know I've been slow as of late on posting here and stuff, idk. I haven't felt as much of a need to, but I'm aware that I need to keep doing this for my sake, so I can get a full view later of what/when/where/why/who and whatnot. Just, it's kinda hard lately.
Sarah's been taking up a large portion of my time, and, I'm kind of okay with it, really. It's made me kind of really happy, and I'm thinking that if things go well, it'll all be ok. But I feel like I need to explain something about our relationship. And that, from the start, it was always up in the air. I knew, when I asked her out, that there was a guy back home waiting for her, that she had promised she would give a shot back over the winter break. But I guess I just felt like we got so close, and are so close, and so compatible, that I had to at least try asking again, to see what would happen, and bam, it worked out. But I asked her out, probably a bad move on my part, on the premise that I wasn't making her give up on the other guy completely, that we'd have our time, and then over the winter she'd go to the guy she had promised to, and then next semester she'd choose who she wants to stay with. I don't know how I feel about this, because while I'm still holding on to that and it's preventing me from getting completely attached, it's pissing me off. It's pissing me off because this is one of the few things, and she's one of the few people, that I can say make me genuinely happy. So knowing I have no control over it is kinda pissing me off. I'm still thouroughly enjoying what time we do have, and will continue to do so no matter what, I just. I don't know what. Something.
Also. I've been fighting off a panic attack for the past three hours. I've been cleaning and doing everything I can to stave it off, keep myself busy and keep my mind off it but I just. I can't. And I"m hoping I'll work through it by writing things down here.
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing......
Only I will remain."
The Litany Against Fear (from the Dune book series) has been going through my head and it's helped a bit, and now I'm going to fully practice it and face my fear.
I'm starting to really understand and be faced with the fact of how little control I actually have over my life. Both what undertones and what's right there in my face, all methods of ways of showing me that I have no control over my life and it's just not ok. It's scaring me.
I have no control over how Ashley reacts/responds to me. I know that we have a history, and I know that things are the way they are, and they're good, don't get me wrong. But. I just. The fact I can't do a damn thing when the tables are turned and she's the one in trouble, bothers the living shit out of me. And I came to accept it a long time ago. It is what it is. But that doesn't mean I have to be ok with it, and it's never going to be ok and it's never going to stop bothering me and I just. I'll get over it now as I do always, but it's just compounding on the issue that I can't control anything. And it really hits home when it's about someone I care about as much as I do her, and to know I can't do anything is just... Too much. And it is what it is, but I just. Yeah.
And there's the bloody Raven thing that keeps on cropping up recently and it's just... I keep on dreaming about her and seeing more and more remidners of her and people are asking me about her and I just can't. I physically can't. I have no control over what happens and I've probably completely lost her nad it's just not ok and it really hurts and it hurts twice as much because I know it's my fault and there's nothing I can do about it and I just. I do what I can, and I'll continue to do it, I'll continue on my path and ensure that it never happens again, but, I just... I'm not going to lie, every time I hear her name or see some reminder of her, it takes every amount of self control I have not to tear up and/or cry because I Just. Loss. And Control. And I wish I could talk to her but not even that's in my control and it's not ok. It's really not ok. But I mean whatever.
And there's also the fact that right now I"m really missing Alicia but she's been so busy I don't get to talk to her much and I just, yeah.
And there's all these other things in my life that I have no control over at this point that is just getting to me. I have no control over when I graduate at this point, and I have so little concrete control over my future that it's scary, I'm doing everything I can to ensure my future is down a path I want it to be but it's just hard.
I don't know. I know I"ll be fine in the morning, but I"m going to go curl up and let it wash over me for the next couple of hours.
Still Sober, Eight Weeks Today, and Still On My Meds.
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