So Ive been doing a terrible job of posting on here daily lile Sarah wanted me to amd like Ive said Im going to, but for the past couple of weeks theres been nothing really to write about that I havent already talked about to death. Not really I suppose. Ive been keepig myself busy and diistracted and trying to ignore the demons in my head that are a staple of being home.
The only noteworthy thing that Ive been putting off writing about are dreams Ive been having these past few days. They started off being about Raven and that was bad enough. And let me clarify, the dreams werent bad per se. They were about us being friends again, and they were nice while I slept but wvery time I woke up I would start crying. Then they turned into dreams of the people I love dying. And they were sp realistic, so convincing, that after each one Ive been finding myself unable to tell reality for a few minutes. Its been difficult, and deep sleep has become something I fear, for it is clear it just serves to haunt me at this point. Not sure why my dreams torture me so, but they do.
And I suppose tbe thing that Ive been writing a lot in my private journal about is something that Ive wirten about her countless times, Raven. It still really bothers me and still really hurts and it leads to a list of my mistakes, not just with her but with others and it leads me to misery every time. But I suppose theres something more concrete in my fears now, as next semeater draws closer. The fear I may have to face her and she still hate me. Its honesrly crippling and the thkught of facing her right now is absolutely terrifying and... yeah. Ill. Never be able to forgive myself.
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