Here we go unto the breach once more.
You know, I sabotage myself, we know this, this is nothing new. But it always seems to both hit me strongest in my academics, and simultaneously make no "noticeable" difference. To put it into context, there's a difference between an A or a B, and MY B or A. I can still make the grades, but the question always comes down to whether or not I'm actually integrating and absorbing the info and gaining something from it. Semesters and classes that I don't sabotage myself, are semesters where the people around me notice it. If not then, then later. Like my Chinese history courses for example, I gave my all to those courses and it's noticeable, and those around me can tell. I gave my all towards my programming and web design courses, and that was noticeable. But now I find myself in film courses that I want nothing to do with, still have an A or B in all my classes, but, so very done with all of them it's hilarious.
And yet it's not. Because it's currently 3:20 am and I have a fuckton of work I need to do in the next eighteen hours. I have a schedule for everything I need to do, and I've overestimated to make sure I have time to get everything done without being hurried, but it's still procrastination and I can feel like I should be better than that by a mile and I half. And i dunno, I feel like I could be gaining so much more from these courses if only I could bring myself to give a flying rats ass. But I really don't, I really fucking don't. And it's a problem, and right now it's taking effort to get the B or the A, and it shouldn't, but it is. And it's frustrating, because it's all my fault? So. We'll see how that goes. I have schedules for the next 48 hours in general so, we'll see how that shit goes. Well, is what I'm hoping the answer will be, but again, we'll see.
Had a pretty uneventful day, not a day where I did nothing, because I did a fair amount of shit even if I did get up at 3 pm. So I guess uneventful isn't the word for it, but rather, it wasn't noteworthy, is a better way to phrase it. No real complaints though, got to spend time with people I care about so, it ends up being all good in my book.
Had a quick conversation about her, and the fact I still can't think about her without recoiling and causing myself to have a downward spiral if I'm not careful. Much less say her name, I've done that maybe once or twice? I don't know. It's just. I will deal with it, in it's own time. There's a time table for that event, but it has me getting my shit together on my own as a prerequisite to it occurring. So. Step at a time.
I still feel the days slipping away though. I've combatted that to some degree, and have begun to find meaning in my every day life, but I need to add something to the mix that'll keep me going. I know a part of it is just the fact that at my core I really do have a thirst for adventure. Or rather, a thirst for new shit, whatever it may be. So it's hard not to get bored with my surroundings. It's not uncommon for me to look at my life and just look at it as highly lackluster because I just can't appreciate things after a while. And if it's close enough to something else that I've already had experience with, it can't even catch my attention if it's "new." I need true changes and distinctions, I need things to challenge my world view and how I interact with the world. Without those, I lack meaning. And every day that goes by without something challenging me, is a day I view as lost.
Not sure if that makes any real sense, but there it goes.
I will succeed. I promise. I will.
[17/17 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[13/17 Days Going to the Gym]
[17/17 Days Running Taking My Meds]
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