[10/18] Entry Twenty Six: How to save a life

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him

So, ironically enough the impromptu topic today at AA was just this, step 3 work. Now, I'd like to mention that not all steps are meant to be taken in order, and rarely do people tackle them so. And this is one that I don't think I'll ever understand. And that's ok because as long as I keep it in mind, and talk about it, and debate it, and try to make it fit into my life, I'll succeed at the goal of AA. Which is not to follow these steps to a perfect adherence, but rather to try and consider and incorporate them.

Now this one is difficult for a few reasons. I genuinely do not know whether or not a "God" exists. Nor do I believe it is the place of us, as moral and severely limited beings, to make any claims about such a being if one does exist. Thusly, it's hard to do things and be like "JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL" if you will.

But it's interesting because there's someone at these meetings that is also a pretty staunch Atheist and he actually has a pretty interesting view of this step. He's taken it to mean that there are times when he should stop fighting with things that are happening around him. Or sometimes it means to just accept that this is going to happen. He used as an example acting, which he had always wanted to do but was previously terrified of. But he decided to just do it, to ignore the reasons that he came up with as to what not and to listen to that inner desire that wasn't destructive and followed it.

Which I think is going to be how I try to tackle this one. Because, there are a lot of things that I want to do, and a lot of beneficial, constructive things that I, at my core, want to do. But later find every reason in the book and then some to not do them. Whether it be fear, resentment, hatred, or what ever, I come up with reasons not to do things. So maybe I should just take more calculated risks and maybe, just maybe, stop being afraid of things.

I don't know, I can't just give up control. Because giving up control to anything, to me, is akin to giving up. Because, I should be able to, through adequate will power, outside help, guidance, and a solid idea of what I'm doing, be able to at least set myself on the right path. Step 2 comes into play on following and what not, but, it all needs to come from an inner desire to get better. And I honestly feel like letting some things happen and just saying "If this is happening, it is God's will" is little more than saying "Hey, I already drank one shot, let me proceed to get shitfaced." you know? It's hard.

So maybe it will mean that I'll just accept some things if they happen, and not stress out over them, and just accept aspects of life. Because hell knows I'm fantastic at fightign tooth and nail at everything that's thrown my way. So maybe I should just accept some things and not try to change everything. I can't change the world, and that is somethign I need to work on. But that's another topic for another time. For now, sleep.

Again. I love all my friends. And I hope you all know this.

[29/29 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[21/29 Days Going to the Gym]
[29/29 Days Running Taking My Meds]