Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I briefly touched on this before, but this is one that's massively important to me. And the one that I would say I'm currently dealing with, and currently tackling and am fully understanding the implications thereof.
Later steps very directly refer to a "God as [the individual] understands him." and those I'll deal with when the time comes but for now in a very real and direct sense, my greater power is simply this: Those that I care about. Not some debatable, supposedly omnipotent being. But quite simply those that I have chosen to, and have in return chosen me, to care about and let affect in very real ways. And it's not anything they do, it's not even necessarily who they are. It's the fact they exist. It's the fact that I can point out these individuals. That I can say that they've been with with me, and I know them and they know me. So it's not something as concrete as "Oh they're my greater power because they've done [X] and/or [Y]." No. It's something more abstract. It's "They're my greater power because they simply are." Are being the key term there. They exist, and thusly, they matter and impact me.
And because these people are so important to me, their existence alone is help to get me started on my way. I don't know, it's debatable as to whether or not this is a "better" or "equal" idea to the original intended meaning of a 'God' being the main guiding hand, but I can't do that. I physically can not give credit to something that in this particular case, isn't exactly the guiding cause. My sanity is slowly being restored BECAUSE there are people I love. Because I want to get better, and because I want to be someone that the people I care about are proud of. I want to be someone that can help the people he cares about. I want to be able to look back at my life and say "You know what, I fucked up at times, but there are still definitely people that I can say I've genuinely helped and made their lives, even if only a little bit, better."
Because that to me has always been really important. Other people and my eventual impact on the world. Even in the event that I eventually believe in a higher power, the idea of an after life to me is so foolish, so childish, and so absolutely asinine to count on that as one's redeeming grace, that I'll never be able to in good conscience accept it. I will physically be unable to. So where does that leave me? It leaves me with one life. 50+ years to affect maybe a hundred people on average. That's what my window to actually do something. To be me. To experience, to enjoy, to laugh and lose and love. And if I'm alone, if I lose everyone I care about, if in ten years there's nobody in my life from right now, then I will have failed. I will never be able to accept myself. I know there's a lot of things out of my control when dealing with other people, but I want to know that, at least within what I had control, I did the best I could.
Insanity is defined as "trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Which, drinking every time I had a down moment despite the fact that it never ended well, counts as the very definition thereof. Sanity, thusly, means trying new things, trying new ways and avoiding old ones where you already know the outcome. And left to my own devices, I will not go down a new path. I need to keep an eye on reality. On those around me. And those watching me. And those I watch. And I need to realize that they know things I don't. They actually CAN understand me, and that they might have something I can learn from. And using this combined knowledge, I can form a new path. Meaning, my return to sanity is entirely based on the existence of my friends. Because left to my own devices, it would have been another two decades before I ever even considered going to AA.
Thusly. This is where I'm at on understanding, accepting and living with and incorporating this step into my life. Hopefully this illuminates some reasoning behind some of my actions, some of my choices, and what's going on. I'll probably be adding another post later on as I do more step work, but, this is fairly important to me.
Also. Four Weeks.
[28/28 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[20/28 Days Going to the Gym]
[28/28 Days Running Taking My Meds]
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