So, yeah, about that posting every day thing? >_> It's one of those things where I feel the need to post a lot when I have a lot of negative thoughts and to just channel them to this one source in order to contain and deal with them in a healthy manner, because thats the trick isn't it? Everyone has problems, everyone has anxiety, everyone has doubts and everyone will suffer from depression at least once in their lives. It's just a matter of knowing how to deal with it. And at least dealing with it in a productive manner. And that's what this is, my productive way of dealing with my negative emotions.
So I really do need to start churning out my positive emotions in a productive way. I tend to let them simmer or hide or just ride them out until they're over instead of harnessing them like I do my negative ones, and maybe I should change it? Maybe I should have posts dedicated entirely to positive things? Just maybe.
Finals, research, projects, all kind of suffocating me atm, but all's good otherwise.
And you know what, there's something going on atm that is absolutely fantastic in my life, and it is actually making me so happy that I don't really know how to handle said happiness. What is it? Well my fucking awesome girlfriend, that's what. I don't know, I just... I've learned I'm not as hopeless and jaded as I've thought, and it's definitely showing in this relationship. But it's not fair to attribute all of it to her. It's not fair to her, or to me, or everyone else. Because I am well aware that the only reason I even know how to be happy, I even have this awesome girlfriend that I am 250% aware I would not have if I was still drinking, is partially because of all the work that's come before it. It's because I've had so many awesome people in my life, guiding me and helping me and teaching me so many things that I'm able to enjoy it now. It's because I've worked so hard next to those who care about me that I can see I'm taking steady steps forwards, and they're paying off.
But of course, no relationship is awesome because of the works on one side regardless, and hell knows Sarah is an amazing girlfriend. She's quite literally perfect in a lot of ways for me right now, and hopefully will continue to be. I say for right now because I've learned the hard way that time is a very scary thing that can be both wonderful and terrible at the same time, so I keep that voice in the back of my head, to take steps with caution, but still move on regardless. And the thing is, she's really a lot of fun, and I can depend on her, and her me. And she reciprocates all my cheesy romance and it's genuine and I just... Yeah, she makes me absolutely ecstatic.
I also, not sure why, but had to compare it to my last girlfriend, Tori, freshman year. I thought this because, right around the time Tori and I broke up, (the same amount of time into our relationship) I got mad because she had forgotten things, and had forgotten me, and had taken me for granted and was just treating me like I was there. And then when I expected something because of an important date to us, she got mad because I expected it. So I learned the hard way to only every expected absolutely nothing from people. Not the best, and not the worst, because there's worse things than nothing, but to just expect nothing. And just yesterday Sarah surprised by getting me a game (christmas gift) that I not only totally wasn't expecting, but one that I completely enjoyed and treasured. And I love her for it, because it's yet another lesson in my life that all the bad is not absolute, and that all the learned helplessness CAN be done.
Everything looks good for us, it really does, and I'm hoping it continues to do so. I'm really, really, really hoping it never stops being amazing. And to be frank, I don't think it will.
Peace Niglets.
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