So. Another meeting with Mrs. Law today, a conversation with Ashley, and kind of forced to open to someone that I had hoped I could keep out of my crazy for at least a while longer. Also, fuck my schedule, I forgot how exhausting nonstop classes were.
So, where do I want to start? Oh, I know. On the conversation with Mrs. Law today: It was certainly interesting. She like so many others gave me credit for what I've accomplished academically and what not, and gave me praise that I'm still not sure I deserve because of how easy it can honestly be for me at times. I recognize that for others its hard, and that even for people who find it easy, it's often the case where they don't just because they don't care, but still. I shouldn't get praise for something that takes minimal effort on my part. Although she did also point out the fact that I'm being active about staying sober by willingly going to extra AA meetings and whatnot, and I'll be honest, THAT is really hard. There's so many things going on that normally would make me want to cut, drink, or smoke. And the fact I'm doing none of the above and have been doing none of the above these past few weeks. I've grown so used to not dealing with things because dealing with them meant so much worse would happen, that, having to face some of these things and stay sober is really, really hard.
But I'm staying in there. I'm avoiding as many pot holes as I can on this road I'm on.
And I'll be honest, I owe a lot of it to my friends. I can not stress enough how glad I am that each and every one of them is at my side, that I know I can count on them. A lot of them, I've been through a lot of shit with over the years, good and bad. And they still have my back, and I don't think they can ever understand how much that means to me. Because I wouldn't even be alive today if it wasn't for my friends, it's cliche but true.
One of the freshman, Nick, the other day was having a moral dilemma about whether or not he should transfer. He wanted to drop out this past sunday because his to-be-transferred-to school had already accepted him, but he wanted to stay because even in just a few short weeks he had met people that meant a lot to him and like I told him, it's easier to be a big fish in a small pond than a big fish in a huge lake. I told him that I had stayed at UT 100% because of my friends, and that I wouldn't have changed it for the world. And the fact of the matter is that it's true. No matter what else, I would not change these friendships I've made at school, the people I've met, and the lessons I've learned, for anything.
Also Ashley showed me something today, that, kind of brought something really close to home, and... I just. Yeah. Not ready to talk about it yet, it seems, not even to myself. I'll come back to it later, some other day, I promise.
Scott asked me how I'm doing and my honest answer was "I don't know." Because I really don't know anymore. Part of me is good to go, the other part of me is still struggling to pick up the pieces. And I just. I don't want to hurt anyone else again, I don't want to let anyone else down, at all. And it's hard to keep on facing all this shit with my head held high because I'm basically letting a gigantic fucking shitstorm of everything imaginable smack me in the face. But it's the only way I have of moving forwards, of learning, and just. Yeah.
Debating whether or not to show this blog to the new person that somehow forced herself into shit. Iunno. We'll see.
[11/11 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[9/11 Days Going to the Gym]
[11/11 Days Running Taking My Meds]
No comments:
Post a Comment