So. I don't really know where I'm at right now. Well no, that's a lie. I'm moving. Where I'm moving to, and where from, only time will tell. But I'm taking those steps, to wherever the hell they'll lead.
I finally took off my ER bracelet today. Almost three weeks later. I took it off but I placed it somewhere that I will see it every day. I will see it and I will be reminded every day until I can look at it and say "That's not me anymore." Which is where I'm working towards. I'm officially past the halfway point of my first goal of 30 days without drinking. And from there my goal will be 90 days. And so on. The number of facts that contributed to what's happened are not so much increasing, as much as I'm becoming more and more aware of exactly what all those facts were. And as I get closer to being able to name them all, I'll be able to fix them all.
I'm working on how I deal with people, and how I deal with bullshit. I'm working on how much I let myself get into any given activity/person. The shenanigans with all the freshmen is being dealt with adequately, cool headed, and distanced just enough to not go crazy but not so much that I'm running away. I'm just picking and choosing my battles much better than I normally do. I'm slowly being able to /joke/ about alcohol again, but, not really. I don't know, that's a weird one in general. Because it's not like I was drinking EVERY night, I just had certain circumstances that I physically could not deal with without alcohol. There may be some middle ground to be had, but, that's not something to worry about right now. That's a bridge that will be crossed when I get to it.
Also, I realized I've completely blacked out a certain person's existence from my memory. Like, it's not like I don't remember her, it's just that if someone asked me what she looked like or what her voice was like, I can sadly say that I've blocked them. I feel them there, I know they're there, but it's just entirely too painful to deal with, even now. So, eventually, I'll tackle it. But again, that too has it's own time.
I'm dealing with things one at a time, I'm not so much focused on dealing with everything at once, or thinking about how I"m doing to deal with [x] or [y] when the time comes for most things. There's some things, that yes, I'm paying closer attention to, but the reason for that being that those are generally more important matters, that I at least need to put on a schedule, which I have! And that's as far as I've gone on them. It's a matter of a day at a time and one thing at a time. If I try taking on everything at once, I'm going to burn myself out, like I did at first, so, slow and steady. Like my over all goal here is to not want to blow my brains out by the time I'm 25. Which, as silly as it may seem, is honestly what I think will happen when I do hit 25. So, the goal here is to avert that, somehow, and to get me to a place where I can live and not want to grab a gun and blow my brains out all over a wall.
I was convinced today to start a private journal that nobody but me will read, even if it's just jotted down. A journal that I'll force myself to admit the things that I hide from myself, and to be able to at least see them written down there, and have to face them somehow. I decided that as I admit things to myself, and start dealing with them, I'll bring it up over here, but there are still things that I'm not putting down on here because of fear. Fear not just of other people finding out, but, fear of myself admitting it and losing it. At least in private, nobody can see the break down, which will be readily apparent if I tackle those few things over here. So that's a thing.
Next up on my list of shit that I really need to start tackling, even a little bit: My Self Esteem. Which, is at an all time low right now.
[19/19 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[14/19 Days Going to the Gym]
[19/19 Days Running Taking My Meds]
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