So yesterday's post ended up being half written on my phone, and the other half was written in my super duper private journal so. That's a thing. Ultimately a variety of factors contributed to a lack of posting yesterday. Also, it would have been another short post that didn't talk much about stuff, so, that's a thing. Otherwise, this post will cover the past couple of days.
So, first things first, since this is basically a tracker for my mood (so I've noticed from going back and reading) I want to mention something that happened yesterday. Something so insignificant and passable that it normally wouldn't have even been a blip on anyone else's radar. But, it really really really made me happy. It brightened my day by a lot. What was it? It was something so stupid I'm having a hard time admit it, heh, even to myself. But no anyways, what happened was that I had brought Ash her Dr. Pepper without her needing to say anything just because that's kind of what I do, I try to do little things for people where and when I can. And though I had class I later check FB and saw she made a post about it and just, was happy about it and stuff? And I don't know, it just, really made me happy for dumb reasons. I don't know. But, that was a thing that legitly affected me.
Been seeing more of Sarah lately. It's getting close to crossing the line where I feel like I'm seeing too much of one person, but it's not been nonstop and I've been making sure to draw lines where I could. I've also made it a point to make sure I'm not the one always asking to hang out and stuff, so the fact it's gone both ways is what's keeping that whole thing sane. As far as the interactions with her go, they're interesting and comforting. It's been a while since I've known someone who shared my view that showing physical affection and what not isn't some super secret super rare super awkward thing. It's comforting to be able to just relax and have fun and not worry (too much anyways) about pointless things that I've come to worry about. So I can definitely say I'm glad to count her as a friend.
I noticed a sharp drop in my mood today. I made a mistake and it really badly caused me to drop. And I realized that I'm still not allowing myself to make mistakes. I just. I feel like I've made so many different mistakes already in my life, had so many missteps, that even the slightest one in brand new territory is unacceptable. I mean, that's what it was, it was an honest to god mistake, and I learned that lesson and it's not going to happen again. But it still really bothers me that I even made it. I feel like I've used up my right to make mistakes. I'm a massive wreck and I'm not allowed to be normal. I honestly feel like I shouldn't have fallen this far, like there was no reason for it, and there's no reason that I can come up with that makes sense for my behavior these past couple of years. I can't forgive myself for falling so far. I'm trying my hardest to come back and get better, but, it's difficult to still be ok with it. I know I'm not special and I know other people are dealing with their own demons, but I feel like I've used up all my right to claim to be in trouble and need to deal with them. And I am, I'm slowly slaying them, but the fact that they even got to be so visible and such trouble, is still not ok. I can't forgive myself for everything that's happened in the past. That's a step that will come by later.
I've started working on the first couple of steps of AA. Which involve coming to terms with our problems, and coming to terms with the fact that our lives had gotten out of control and that we ourselves could not fix it. I know that originally the literature states that it's a "higher power" and that it's a "god" we should be turning to. But quite frankly, my higher power is my friends. My impact on this world will be determined by those close to me, those whom I have a very direct ability to affect. So it's because of them, and for them, that I know I can get better. I'm getting better for my sake, because I'm tired of causing pain and being alone, but I'm not kidding myself about the fact that I couldn't do this by myself. I've tried doing this by myself before, and it's just landed me back at the bottom of a bottle. It's not entirely my will that's saving me. It's my will that's allowing me to be saved. It's my efforts that are making changes happen, but it's my "higher power" that's even allowing them to happen.
Because I know that left to my own devices, I would go back to drinking and cutting and not care. Because then I'd be responsible for nobody but myself. I feel no responsibility towards my family, and little care for any actual "god" figure. Thus. That's a thing.
So yeah, been doing a fair amount of internal work on dealing with the different steps of AA for real. As difficult as it may be, it needs to happen. I'll be asking someone to be my sponsor this week, we'll see how that goes.
That's enough for tonight. As always, I love my friends.
[26/26 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[20/26 Days Going to the Gym]
[26/26 Days Running Taking My Meds]
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