((Congratulations by The Juliana Theory))
So. Now to catch up on a bit of non AA-Step related stuff.
On Friday I bought myself a 3DS and the new pokemon game. And that was actually one hell of an internal battle because I generally do not like spending money on myself. But as a result, I end up spending all my money on others and when something do finally comes up that I want, I can't afford it. And I don't know, generally I'd be like "Thats entirely too much to spend all on myself" but I really need to stop that, even a little. So. I did. But that's a whatever thing.
Moreover. Today's the 30 day mark. The one month point. Officially makes it the longer I've been in sober in a few years. I feel like I had some sort of mini celebration for getting here, and it was in the form of a trip to Busch Gardens that I honestly had a ton of fun at. It was an awesome stress relief and brief break from reality and was surrounded by good times and good company so, all in all it was good. And I'm glad it happened because it's helped me get through the rest of the day.
Now, as I've mentioned here a few times, today I planned on attempting to contact Raven for the first time since that night. And. I did. I apologized, I said what I had to say to her, and I did my best to let her know how I felt. And the fact of the matter is it still hurts. Her name still hurts, remembering it hurts even more, and it's all really bad. Really, really bad. And it's awful and I just can't really... Deal with it. I know that in reality I probably don't have any right to be hurt by any of it, but I was, and I am. And I will be. For a long time. Because every time I hurt someone I care about, I feel it as much as they do because I just. Can't. Bring myself to actually hurt them, and when I do, it's an instinctual, automatic response. And more importantly when I knew it's my fault and it's not ok and it's not even remotely her fault for being mad and feeling how she does.
But it's still hard to think about. And I don't think I'll be able to move on for some time. Tonight was the first step in trying to come to terms with what I've done. With what I did there's literally nothing else I can do in this scenario to influence or accomplish anything. The only thing I can do is what I've been doing, and what I will continue to do, and that's to continue to grow, and learn, and recover.
She didn't reply to the message, not sure if she even read it. And it really did hurt. A lot. And to be honest. It's weighing really heavy on me right now. I know there's nothing more I can do, and that focusing and worrying about it will accomplish except make me worse, but right now the pain is just too poignant. I need to grieve for a bit. Mourn what was lost. Chastise myself. Learn. One step at a time. And losing someone I care about is never something that's been remotely easy in particular for me because I've never had people TO care about till the time I was about 16, 17. So it's a strange experience and it's all new to me and I just. Everything hurts. I'll be fine once the sun comes up. Or at least, be willing to take a step forwards. But just for a little bit, just for now, I'm going to cry, and I'm going to plead and beg with some nonexistant entity for something to change and that things outside my control work out in the best way. And then I'm going to cry some more, because that's all I have left. Crying a river, building a bridge, and moving on.
I've made it this far, and I accomplished what i wanted to do. That was my first step. ANd maybe, just maybe, I should stop trying to take huge leaps and dealing with everything and not allowing myself to make mistakes. I know I need to let up on myself before I just break myself again, but I just don't want to hurt anyone again, no matter what. And the very idea of possible hurting anyone is so frightful, so absolutely terrifying that I feel forced to clad my will in iron and move forwards at all costs.
Maybe, my next step to be to learn to forgive myself for my mistakes, one at a time. God knows there's a laundry list of them, so, I need to start somewhere. So maybe that'll be my next step. To try to figure out if I can forgive myself. To find a way to do so, a step at a time. Because I can't expect forgiveness if I can't forgive myself right? I guess? We'll see.
As always, I love my friends, and thank you so much to all of you for being there with me.
[30/30 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[21/30 Days Going to the Gym]
[30/30 Days Running Taking My Meds]
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