[12/30] Entry 52

Where do I start?

I know I SAID I would post more on my feelings and thoughts, but things got hectic fast and I honestly would just come back from work and go to sleep for the first week. And then after that I've honestly done everything in my power to distract myself from this, from self-reflection and thinking about things.

Why? Not because it's hard, but because I don't feel like I deserve it. I still feel like there's so much more I could, and should, be doing, so much more I should be that it's overwhelming. And I can't seperate thinking about myself and my life from thinking about where, who, and what I should be. And it's not like I'm completely sitting on my ass twiddling my thumbs. I'm doing a lot to be and do these things, but it's not enough. I'm incredibly harsh on myself and I can't excuse me doing something because it's "fun" as a worthwhile use of my time.

I should be learning more languages and working on more projects and branching out and working on my gfx design skills and keeping up with life and just ugh. I think one of the things that really bothers me is that there's a lot of friends I wish I could keep in touch with more, but honestly a lot of the times I just get too busy and when I go text them or talk to them I feel like I'd be bothering so I don't. That's how I feel about Ashley, Emma, Scott, and Will who I'd like to talk to more but I'd only ever really do so either super early in the morning or super late at night and I'd feel like a bother. I do make efforts and do keep in touch, but I feel like it's not enough.

Nothing I do is ever enough, protip.

Anyways. As I get ready to break in the new year it's harder fo rme to distract myself from thoughts of where I am right now. I've largely made it. I've made it to a point where I can say "I made it to the ground." - Did I find the perfect place to settle down or the fountain of youth or India? Not particularly. Have I successfully made it across a hellish ocean and landed alive? Yeah. I have.

I just paid my first bills and I'm officially good for next month and there was a sense of accomplishment in there. I did what at different points in my life I thought, and was told, I could never do. It was quickly drowned out by all the other things I was told I could never do and still haven't but should, but for a brief moment I felt accomplished.

I need to keep remembering that contrary to what I believe, my story is far from over.

One of these days I will make a post that's a direct follow up to all the early posts in the blog. To my battles with alcoholism and depression, the latter of which continue to this day and the former which I am proud to say I am still sober. 15 months later.

[12/13] Entry 51

So. After a grueling six weeks, and who knows what else with who else. I'm done with being a student and am now sleeping for the first time in my apartment.

That's a scary thought tbh. My apartment. I'm completely and officially, 150% on my own now. I mean I have been for a while but this is different, in name if not in practice. It's strange to walk around and be able to say "This is my apartment." and it's honestly just a little bit terrifying.

It's also a bit tear-jerky for me. I remembered today how I started this journey, four and a half years ago. The day before we were supposed to come up to UT as incoming freshmen for orientation I was stuck in miami with absolutely no way to get to tampa. No method of transportation that I could afford existed. Everything I owned at the time fit in a small box and one suitcase. I could carry it all myself with no issue, It was part of who I was: broke and had nothing. Literally nothing.

I wish I could have remembered that moment in the apst four and a half years when I felt pain over something or the other, when I felt sorrow and grieved over who knows what. Because remembering now, the pain I felt at that point is rivaled by only a couple or so others in my life. Most of which I think I've documented here in this blog. But no. Having worked my ass off to get to college, having found one I could legitimately go to, but then being stuck in deadshit nowhere because I had to pay rent fo rmy parents one last time. It was devastating. It's because of that I've worked so hard where I can and when I can and saved up money. It's why I currently freak out and have miniature panic attacks if my bank account goes below a certain number. There's something terrifying about having everything ripped away from you with nothing you can do.

Eventually, like two hours before I was supposed to depart to Tampa, I got a call from an old family friend who bailed me out and helped me. To Father Mateo I am probably deeply indebted to. I honestly, in a very literal and physical sense, would not be here today if it wasn't for him.

I'm exhausted and have a huge cycle of emotions circling around in my head that I want to talk about but I can't see straight anymore and I'm afraid if I keep on typing I'll start crying and I really just want to sleep. So I'll be talking more about the whirlwind of experiences over the next few days. Hopefully.

-Over and Out.

[11/17] Entry 50

I, I don’t know what to say right now.

I woke up in tears this morning, and really still am right now, almost two hours after the fact. I’m not okay on so many levels. This schedule, the reality of it, the permanence of it, is starting to feel real enough that it’s overwhelming. I mean i’s always been real, but it never sank in before. There’s a lot I’m struggling with right now on top of my awful schedule, and it just makes everything worse.

There’s something incredibly mentally taxing about being completely powerless over whether you get to work, and over whether you get back to your home on any given day. It’s terrifying and draining and it’s slowly eating away at me.

And then last night much of the childhood I’ve struggled to keep hidden, to keep under locks in the attic to rot have started to come out and it’s just too much. I’ve quite literally been living the past few years without a childhood. I had my entire life prior to the age of 15 locked up in in a box somewhere. Bits and pieces of it came out at random times, but never  in any real, tangible, solid, way. And now it is and it’s also draining,

I never grew up, is the thing. I had to act like I had almost over night. And I never stopped pretending, not enough. There’s always a part of me that’ll be curled in my bedroom in the house I grew up, bawling his little eyes because his entire world just crashed and snapped around him. Someone who finally had to come to terms with what he had to do and what he was never going to get to experience. The things he had never been able to experience. 

It was a jolt that was hard because, between working through my early and teen years and focusing hard on GTFOing, I never got to think or breathe. I went online, played video games, and pretended even more to be someone I wasn’t, when I had the time for it. And when I would be in between jobs i would be online a fair bit. But I still was running harder, running away from what I didn’t know, and towards I didn’t know.

Is this what I ran towards? Is this what I’ve stumbled and fucked myself over for? Because I can’t. It wasn’t worth it. I want to go home. Home home. A place I haven’t been to in about nine years. People I haven’t seen in as long. What was it all for? I don’t know, I don’t know if it was worth it. And it’s a hard thing to come to terms with.

I consider myself a failure on so many levels, and so many core ways, that it’s mind-breaking to think about. I should have been more. I should be more. I should have done so much more. I should do so much more. I shouldn’t be this. This stinkin’ pile of mediocrity. I was never able to dedicate to anything because I didn’t know what I was doing it for, I didn’t know why I should. So I Pushed forwards through college without motivation, without aim, and because of that I’ve essentially thrown away the past four and a half years of my life.

I’m glad I have Sarah, and she’s the first and last things I see every day. That I get to hold her to remind myself why I do it now and why I push through it now. I have my motivation again, I have a goal and reasons to push through the pain.I’ve made some wonderful friends and met some amazing people who I know are cheering for me and that helps tremendously. If it wasn’t for the people around me, I’d be on the side of the road somewhere right about now. Thank you to all of you. 

This post was brought to you by the word: Draining! 

I’ll stop there and try to distract myself, I’m getting close to work and I don’t want to show up covered in tears..

-Over and out

[11/13] Entry 49: Pt. 2

Work was interesting today. Spent all day working on one bug and then found out that the reason I couldn’t find it at all in the file I was looking for it in, is because the code I was looking for was removed. Again. Because why would it be there? It seems like that’s par for the course for the majority of bugs I’ve encountered so far. A bug yesterday was because someone decided to delete the information from the DB and didn’t tell anyone nor ever gave a reason for it. 

Before that there was a piece of code missing that nobody could even tell was supposed to be there if it wasn’t for the original architect of the code having gone in and saw that part of it was just flat out missing without any indicator that it should have ever been there. Yay!

I have to adapt the old fix to the new code now, which shouldn’t be too bad, just an unnecessary hassle that would be avoided if there were some standards. Or if i knew the Focus system, which I don’t. Not yet anyways. Work in general is a special monster, I don’t even know how I feel about it. The valid answer is that essentially I don’t, or maybe I do. Not sure. 

I love Sarah so much, it’s silly how much I do but I enjoy talking to her and being around her so much that I can’t help but feel happier whenever she texts me in the middle of work. 

I’m always exhausted now. Always tired to my very limits and stressed out of my skull. I’ve gotten better at keeping the lid on it but even being where I am is fairly troublesome. It honestly needs to change. Something. Anything. Needs to change. I don’t know what but god damn it this cycle of stress and bullshit and tears needs to stop, somehow. 

I’m counting the days but I’m doubtful of my ability to make it at this point. I have some 16-19 days left of this and yes I’m counting each of them because it may not seem like very many, but each one is taking so much out of me.

I have no idea what I’m doing, or going to do, about my classes, and the stuff I still have to do. The math states I have, on average, about 6-9 hours free during the week. So does that mean I need to get everything done during the weekend? If I work through the weekend, I’ll break, I know I will. So what should I do?

I wish I knew.

-over and out.

[11/13] Entry 48

What’s new today? I don’t know.

Life is so strange right now. My routine is ever so slowly getting to be less miserable but when I finally get accustom to it, I’m going to graduate and thus its going to change all over again. And adapting to the work force is being a hassle in and of itself. I never wanted to work a 9-5 type deal. And now that I am, I’m honestly debating whether or not I want to do this type of shtick for the rest of my life. I like it well enough, and I don’t think I can complain much, given my pay grade right out of college. It’s just not for me man.

I like working at Focus well enough. And programming is actually really fun, so the challenges at focus are honestly fun. It’s just something about spending my entire day, nine hours, doing one thing and one thing only, that slightly bothers me. And I’m not sure that doing this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I figure I’ll stay here for the next 2.5 years, doing programming and stuff. And then when Sarah graduates I’ll have had enough time in the work force to honestly decide if I want to continue this or if I want to say fuck it, go through the motions of grad school, and become a professor. Which I’ve always wanted to do. I like teaching others new things and I like programming, so why not do both? The schedule of a professor is equally as demanding but more flexible, which is what I need in my life. I need to be able to hit the time out button for an hour and then get back to things. I need to have some degree of autonomy. 

Tomorrow’s my first real pay day. And it’s going to be more money than I’ve seen at once in my entire life. That’s both exciting and terrifying. So that’s gonna be a thing.

I have to get off the bus now so I’ll leave it there for now.

-Over and out.

[11/10] Entry 47

This weekend was okay. I got to sleep and spend time with the wonderful girlfriend and some of our friends. So it was okay. I miss having free time during the week so much but the reality of my schedule just doesn’t let me do that I’d settle for the odd extra hour of sleep. 

Gonna be picking out Sarah’s promise ring this week. Thats something. It’s not an engagement ring, not yet. She still has a little over two years left and it’s for the best if its not a straight up engagement ring for a variety of reasons. She herself has asked for an engagement ring but it’s not the right time for it, she needs to focus on her classes, but I feel like a promise ring is the right time right about now. I know there’s nobody else I’d rather be with, nobody else I want to spend my life with than with Sarah Mays. 

I’ve saved up a decent amount of money for this and am trying to pick out something that I think she’ll really, really, really like. So we’ll see. Also have an idea for a way to give it to her that she will enjoy thoroughly, so there’s that. I like seeing her smile, it’s a wonderful sight to behold. Cheesy? yeah, probably. DO I give a fuck? Nope, not at all. It’s how I genuinely feel and I wouldn’t want it any other way to be completely honest.

Anyways. Work was ok today. I’m starting to feel more comfortable sifting through Focus and can understand, more or less, what most sections are intended to do. My knowledge of PHP and JS are growing at an exponential rate with every passing day. I quite like that fact, I want to be able to put it into effect and am trying to modify previous projects to update them during down times and breaks. I’m trying to get the most I can out of my time at Focus. I mean I’m probably going to be there for at least two and a half years so it’s something that I’m going to need to adapt to.

The stress has been a lot less today. I woke up feeling like crap and had a massive case of indigestion, but I mean honestly other than, today’s gone pretty okay. Not okay as in “OMG” but okay as in an “I’m starting to adjust” type deal. Which is good, really good. There’s still the normal levels of stress but it’s gone down a bit and the bus rides today were pretty much on schedule with no eventful happenings on either which way. 

Well, I’m ON the last bus home atm, so, here’s hoping nothing happens xD There seems to be little traffic so. That’s a good sign.

I’m just really tired, but I get tomorrow off! and that’s a good thing :D

That’s it for today.

-Over and out

[11/7] Entry 46

So. My wallet was lost last night. 

And that was the feather that buttfucked the fuck out of the camel’s back. I legitimately broke down bawling, repeatedly, after discovering the fact that not only was it indeed not in my possession, the only chance I might have had, however slim it might have been, of finding it, was hours away and was depending on someone having found it and turned it in to lost and found. On a bus. 

To say that the fact I had lost my wallet, which had my ID, Social Security, all my debit cards, and a number of other things, was stressful, was an understatement of epic proportions. I was already stressed out beyond belief and the thought that I’d be royally fucked and completely broke for a week and would probably have to quit my job was. A lot. Was hard to wrap my head around, it wasn’t fun to deal with and I hit every end of every string ever.

I bawled hard and for quite a while. Everything just hit and ended and exploded. Alex, one of my roommates, is going back to mexico after this semester because he’s discovering the fact that he’s in an alien environment where just doesn’t feel comfortable or stable enough. We’ve tried to make him feel welcome but he still feels out of place at a very different place and world where he doesn’t even speak the language natively. He feels like he’s just unstable here and needs to go back to stabilize his mind and grades and I can completely understand that. Because if I don’t stabilize in like six months, I’m going to have to quit… Is what I would like to say. But I have nowhere to go and nothing to do if I DO quit, so I have to stick with it and fight the uphill battle. Which, I mean has been the story of my life up unitl this point, which is why I’m hoping I’ll be fine as I move forwards, it’s just got to be things that I take a day at a time right now. if I do anything else, I Might be heading down a dark route.

At any rate, I found my wallet. It was miraculously turned into lost and found on the bus and I was able to pick it up today. Everything’s here. I was elated, and almost passed out from the wave of relaxation and destress that washed over me. I just wanted to sleep xD

So thats it. more adventures in the life of me failing quite spectacularly xD

-Over and Out

[11/6] Entry 45

The overwhelming feeling of anxiety, stress, and loneliness I’ve been feeling isn’t new, I noticed. Rather, it’s not the first time I feel it. I felt this way too, when I first started UT and all I wanted to do was cry and run away. Which is honestly a pretty accurate description of how I feel right now. I feel like crying and crying and crying until the world goes to hell and it all ends. The anxiety and stress are so real that if not for my friends and my experiences with extreme depression, I would have completely shut down by now. 

It may seem like I’m exaggerating, but I’m really not. Being so far away from anything resembles normalcy or familiarity, is tough. I can feel myself adapting however slowly, but my body feels older than it should. And the stress has put it even more so on fast forward. The end result? A compounding mental effect that’s devastating if left unchecked.

And boy does it make me thirsty. Everyone at my work drinks. Lots. And on fridays they even drink at work. And you know what would make all of this bearable? A shot or five. And that’s the problem, it’s never going to be just one drink, just one shot, if I start responding to stress with alcohol. It’s going to get out of hand real fast and I’ll lose all semblance of control before I”m even halfway aware of it. So I can’t drink, I don’t really want to drink.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not upset that I have a job and that I’m able to transition into this next step of my life. I’m more or less just documenting my steps and getting it off my chest so it doesn’t build up. I’m incredibly ecstatic that I got a job doing what I wanted to do (php/sql/js dev) right out of college. And I’ve heard some people say “I’m sorry” when they hear I’m making 35k a year but uh, no? That’s honestly more than my parents ever made when I was growing up. That’s a lifestyle much better than one I ever knew. I’ll take it with open hands. 

And yes I mean, the job itself is stressful due to the nature of the company I”m working with, but I’ve come to realize that if I learn to work in the environment I have to deal with at work, I’ll be wonderful to work anywhere. If I can learn to sift through and understand the jumble of arbitrary messes that is Focus, there will be nothing that I can’t understand after the fact. It’s going to be a really good thing for me. I just need to finish fully transitioning.

And part of it is, I don’t want to fully transition. Because. Right now. That means I have to be further away from Sarah for some time. And I mean I knew it was inevitable and honestly this is close to the best case scenario of what could have happened after I graduated, but that doesn’t make it any better. I’ve gotten so used to having her at my side, of knowing that no matter what, I can always know that I’m coming home to the love of my life, that it’s going to make the transition into moving alone here at the end of the month a much harder one. 

I am, so glad, that I found Sarah, and that she found me. I’ll dedicate an entire post to how much I love her and why I have fifty million reasons to be glad to have her, but for now suffice it to say that I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

And on that note, I’ll sign out of this post. 

-Over and out.

[11/6] Entry 44

So I’m writing today, on this the fourth day of my new job, because my life is a mess right now. Not in a bad way, but in a transitional way where nothing is certain at all and my entire life lays ahead of me with one giant fucking question mark. I am so stressed out that my mind is slowly turning to mush and I can’t begin to accurately think about it so I need to get it all down on paper before it explodes. 

I’ll be doing most of my writings on the bus ride to work. Why? Because it’s a two hour long bus ride with an hour on two separate busses. Thus, lots of time to think and write. I’ve been trying to do homework during this time but it’s just so stressful and I can’t focus that I haven’t been able to get much done. It’s really hard to focus when the bus ride is such a tremendous amount of stress. I have no room for error on these things or else I get stuck in St Pete, where I know nobody and nothing, for the night. And I also have no control over things like traffic, bus detours, and etc that could very well serve to thwart me in my daily effort to get home. Since I”m also still figuring out the best bust routes to take and which ones are most dependable, it adds to the stress. I lose about 3.4 hours a day on these busses, And I work for 9. What does that mean? That means every day is a 13 hour day. 13x5 = 65 hour weeks.  + 12 that I’m still working on campus. + 6 from classes. That’s an 83 hour week I’m pulling for the next six weeks. 

I have to keep reminding myself that this hell is only for six weeks, that there’s only like three full weeks in that time period. That everything will be worth it in the end. Because so much stress that I have no control over just creates more stress and cycles out of control real quickly.

Work is another interesting change in my life. It’s my first legitimate job in my career and it’s terrifying. For so many reasons. Not the least of which is that the company I work for, has code that reads like ass. People who’ve worked there for 5+ years (in the company’s 9 year history) still have no fucking clue what the fuck large chunks of the code are even supposed to do. Others flat out refuse to touch other large sections because of how insane it is. So as I sit there looking at code, and can’t decipher it, the final question is always “Am I being retarded or this part of the fucked up code.” 

Today at work, the other “new guy” (story for another time), Jessie, asked my boss, Preston, if he’d ever been handed a gigantic flaming pile of dog shit. His reply? “Yeah, my first day here at Focus.” -It both makes me feel better about myself and severely increases the stress. I’m trying my best to sift through the code, and I”m entry level so I have no pretense of being pro at this shit in general, much less in this weird API that is the Focus system.

I’m glad that I have friends and loved ones that I can rely on to just be there when I need them. For example, every time I see Sarah when I get back from work, she can see I’m visibly stressed as hell, and gets sad and asks me if there’s anything she can do. And all I need from her, from anyone, is a hug and a smile. That’s it. I just need to know I’m not alone.

And that’s really it, because at work, I feel the epitome of alone. I’m the new guy, fresh out of college with no previous programming experience (as in, professional programming experience) in a brand new area, both physical and figurative. I am so out of my element in St. Pete, where everyone and everything is a stranger, that it weighs heavily on me. I feel completely alien and the only respite I have are the three hours a day where I’m awake back home.

I’ll sign out here for today, I could go on and on forever, but I want to keep on writing on multiple days so I”ll make sure I have stuff I want to talk about. 

-Over and Out 

[7/3] Entry 43: What about now

I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that hasn't gone away for days.

I think I'll just get straight to the point: What's wrong with me? I'm 22, about to graduate college, and I'm doing nothing to further my life. Let me explain. I should be doing more with coding to get better at it. Hell I should be building a portfolio. I should be. But I'm not. Nor have I. and I'm suffring for it. And why haven't I? I've been telling myself I need to for years. And now it's kicking me in the ass?

It terrifies me that there are so many people I come in contact with whom have such high expectations of me. My writing professors all want me to publish, my programming professors swear I'm brilliant, etc etc. I just don't know how to react. Today a prof. said they're forcing me to publish somehow. To which I said "Say what?" Apparently they believe my talent for writing needs to be shared with the world? I didn't even know how to respond. I don't know how to react.

Why can't I motivate myself? Why is the fear I feel so paralyzing that it stops me from acting. You'd think it'd kick my ass into gear but the more terrified I get, the more I clam up. It's counter productive and I'm trying to break but I've not been succesful yet.

I feel more and more pressures fall upon me with each rise and fall of the moon. It confuses me and leaves me wondering. And the sinking feeling, sinks deeper.

I'm absolutely terrified.

[6/4] Entry 42: Well.

Just writing here to vent I guess. I kind of really want a drink or a smoke or something right now. Stressed, scared.

I feel like I'm going to fail, I'm afraid I am. The real world is absolutely terrifying and I'm in it.I need to work harder, I need to do more, I have the motivation (read: fear) required to do so but it just stops me in my tracks. It doesn't get me to do more, it gets me to curl up and do less.

Money is a real thing, and it can suck my dick as I write my way into the poorhouse.

[1/18] Entry 41: Untitled

Harro.

Today was/is Sarah's birthday, and it was fun adn shit so I mean it was good! And seeing Sarah again? It's been real good. Really really good. I love her.

But there's just so much else in my life that threatens to drown me out that I keep on having to force myself to remember that it's not all bad and that there are some good things I need to realize exist. I'm just so worried and stressed about so many things I don't think it'll ever get any easier to deal with.

And my demons keep on popping up at the worst possible times when I Don't want them to. I don't think anyone will ever truly understand how much I hate the idea of hurting the people I care about, even more so when I have to acknowledge it's something that actually happened. There's few things in this life that keep me going and make me think that yes, life is worth while, and every last one of those things isn't an object, place, or concept. They're people. And whenever I have to face that I hurt one of those people? It destroys me. So as I get closer and closer to having to face my most recent demon of the sorts, it's brought back every other similiar demon from the past. Because I just wish I hadn't created those scars on the people I love.

But I'm such a screw up that I did, and I'm doing everything I can to make sure I never hurt anyone I care about again. I'm letting the people I care about know I care about them, and I'm doing everything in my power to ensure I treat them like they deserve. And with Sarah, I'm just trying to do my best to right by her, but it's worrying because i"m always thinking I'm not good enough and that she's going to resent me for something or the other that my mind finds as an excuse to hate on myself for. I'm just terrified of hurting her, I really don't want to. Not her, not anyone, not ever again.

It's why I stay sober, because I know I get angry a lot, and when I get angry I say stupid shit just ebcause I can, because it's mean. and when I'm sober I can control it and rationalize and filter out the insane anger talk. But when I"m drunk it just all comes out regardless of who the target is. And that's not something I ever want to do again, so I've stayed sober for that sole reason. Because I refuse to let my anger get the ebtter of me and hurt the people I love. There's no reason I should snap at someone who did nothing because my day's been shitty. It happens, and I need to be aware that it's not ok and I need to control it.

But that's just one thing. There's all this shit with work, and reality and I just ugh. It's so daunting toy think about that it's stressing me to the high heavens just thinking about it. I just want to sleep. Sleep and never stop sleeping. My dreams can often be much nicer than reality.

[1/14] Entry 40: What's up

So, posting in here again after not posting for a while.

I've been grappling with a lot of the same issues, they've been showing up in dreams and shit, but I'm slowly understanding how to maneuver around them better. I start work Friday, right off the bat first day back on campus so, that should keep me busy.

Really looking forward to seeing Sarah, and facing some of my demons on campus.

I don't know, I just don't know. I've been doing a lot of thinking. Going back over the past... Shit 7.5 years, and counting every mistake I've made, taking stock, seeing how many more times I made it. Good news is I have in fact learned, bad news is I still make more mistakes than I'd like. I mean, to err is to be human and all that jazz, but there's some I just, wish I did't have to make.

But I came upon another realization, for a variety of reasons stemming from parents and my childhood, there were  alot of basic social lessons and mistakes that most people learned when they were really young, that I just never understood/learned/went through. A large part of it comes from my parents and shit, and the fact that they were never parents, and never understood how to be and considered their kids to be things, in retrospect. Even now they have no idea how to cope with the idea that their children are human beings, and not tools for their fancy. It's strange and difficult to grow up in that environment, and even more so with parents as restrictive as them. But I made it out in spite of them, and I've been slowly learning what I missed out on. So I guess it is what it is. Just wish it hadn't cost me so much.

Hoping I'm better armed for what comes than I used to be.

Still sober, still on meds, and understanding the importance of the two, and the issues come with drinking and not being on meds. It's strange, but it is what it is.