[11/17] Entry 50

I, I don’t know what to say right now.

I woke up in tears this morning, and really still am right now, almost two hours after the fact. I’m not okay on so many levels. This schedule, the reality of it, the permanence of it, is starting to feel real enough that it’s overwhelming. I mean i’s always been real, but it never sank in before. There’s a lot I’m struggling with right now on top of my awful schedule, and it just makes everything worse.

There’s something incredibly mentally taxing about being completely powerless over whether you get to work, and over whether you get back to your home on any given day. It’s terrifying and draining and it’s slowly eating away at me.

And then last night much of the childhood I’ve struggled to keep hidden, to keep under locks in the attic to rot have started to come out and it’s just too much. I’ve quite literally been living the past few years without a childhood. I had my entire life prior to the age of 15 locked up in in a box somewhere. Bits and pieces of it came out at random times, but never  in any real, tangible, solid, way. And now it is and it’s also draining,

I never grew up, is the thing. I had to act like I had almost over night. And I never stopped pretending, not enough. There’s always a part of me that’ll be curled in my bedroom in the house I grew up, bawling his little eyes because his entire world just crashed and snapped around him. Someone who finally had to come to terms with what he had to do and what he was never going to get to experience. The things he had never been able to experience. 

It was a jolt that was hard because, between working through my early and teen years and focusing hard on GTFOing, I never got to think or breathe. I went online, played video games, and pretended even more to be someone I wasn’t, when I had the time for it. And when I would be in between jobs i would be online a fair bit. But I still was running harder, running away from what I didn’t know, and towards I didn’t know.

Is this what I ran towards? Is this what I’ve stumbled and fucked myself over for? Because I can’t. It wasn’t worth it. I want to go home. Home home. A place I haven’t been to in about nine years. People I haven’t seen in as long. What was it all for? I don’t know, I don’t know if it was worth it. And it’s a hard thing to come to terms with.

I consider myself a failure on so many levels, and so many core ways, that it’s mind-breaking to think about. I should have been more. I should be more. I should have done so much more. I should do so much more. I shouldn’t be this. This stinkin’ pile of mediocrity. I was never able to dedicate to anything because I didn’t know what I was doing it for, I didn’t know why I should. So I Pushed forwards through college without motivation, without aim, and because of that I’ve essentially thrown away the past four and a half years of my life.

I’m glad I have Sarah, and she’s the first and last things I see every day. That I get to hold her to remind myself why I do it now and why I push through it now. I have my motivation again, I have a goal and reasons to push through the pain.I’ve made some wonderful friends and met some amazing people who I know are cheering for me and that helps tremendously. If it wasn’t for the people around me, I’d be on the side of the road somewhere right about now. Thank you to all of you. 

This post was brought to you by the word: Draining! 

I’ll stop there and try to distract myself, I’m getting close to work and I don’t want to show up covered in tears..

-Over and out