[12/30] Entry 52

Where do I start?

I know I SAID I would post more on my feelings and thoughts, but things got hectic fast and I honestly would just come back from work and go to sleep for the first week. And then after that I've honestly done everything in my power to distract myself from this, from self-reflection and thinking about things.

Why? Not because it's hard, but because I don't feel like I deserve it. I still feel like there's so much more I could, and should, be doing, so much more I should be that it's overwhelming. And I can't seperate thinking about myself and my life from thinking about where, who, and what I should be. And it's not like I'm completely sitting on my ass twiddling my thumbs. I'm doing a lot to be and do these things, but it's not enough. I'm incredibly harsh on myself and I can't excuse me doing something because it's "fun" as a worthwhile use of my time.

I should be learning more languages and working on more projects and branching out and working on my gfx design skills and keeping up with life and just ugh. I think one of the things that really bothers me is that there's a lot of friends I wish I could keep in touch with more, but honestly a lot of the times I just get too busy and when I go text them or talk to them I feel like I'd be bothering so I don't. That's how I feel about Ashley, Emma, Scott, and Will who I'd like to talk to more but I'd only ever really do so either super early in the morning or super late at night and I'd feel like a bother. I do make efforts and do keep in touch, but I feel like it's not enough.

Nothing I do is ever enough, protip.

Anyways. As I get ready to break in the new year it's harder fo rme to distract myself from thoughts of where I am right now. I've largely made it. I've made it to a point where I can say "I made it to the ground." - Did I find the perfect place to settle down or the fountain of youth or India? Not particularly. Have I successfully made it across a hellish ocean and landed alive? Yeah. I have.

I just paid my first bills and I'm officially good for next month and there was a sense of accomplishment in there. I did what at different points in my life I thought, and was told, I could never do. It was quickly drowned out by all the other things I was told I could never do and still haven't but should, but for a brief moment I felt accomplished.

I need to keep remembering that contrary to what I believe, my story is far from over.

One of these days I will make a post that's a direct follow up to all the early posts in the blog. To my battles with alcoholism and depression, the latter of which continue to this day and the former which I am proud to say I am still sober. 15 months later.