Harro.
Today was/is Sarah's birthday, and it was fun adn shit so I mean it was good! And seeing Sarah again? It's been real good. Really really good. I love her.
But there's just so much else in my life that threatens to drown me out that I keep on having to force myself to remember that it's not all bad and that there are some good things I need to realize exist. I'm just so worried and stressed about so many things I don't think it'll ever get any easier to deal with.
And my demons keep on popping up at the worst possible times when I Don't want them to. I don't think anyone will ever truly understand how much I hate the idea of hurting the people I care about, even more so when I have to acknowledge it's something that actually happened. There's few things in this life that keep me going and make me think that yes, life is worth while, and every last one of those things isn't an object, place, or concept. They're people. And whenever I have to face that I hurt one of those people? It destroys me. So as I get closer and closer to having to face my most recent demon of the sorts, it's brought back every other similiar demon from the past. Because I just wish I hadn't created those scars on the people I love.
But I'm such a screw up that I did, and I'm doing everything I can to make sure I never hurt anyone I care about again. I'm letting the people I care about know I care about them, and I'm doing everything in my power to ensure I treat them like they deserve. And with Sarah, I'm just trying to do my best to right by her, but it's worrying because i"m always thinking I'm not good enough and that she's going to resent me for something or the other that my mind finds as an excuse to hate on myself for. I'm just terrified of hurting her, I really don't want to. Not her, not anyone, not ever again.
It's why I stay sober, because I know I get angry a lot, and when I get angry I say stupid shit just ebcause I can, because it's mean. and when I'm sober I can control it and rationalize and filter out the insane anger talk. But when I"m drunk it just all comes out regardless of who the target is. And that's not something I ever want to do again, so I've stayed sober for that sole reason. Because I refuse to let my anger get the ebtter of me and hurt the people I love. There's no reason I should snap at someone who did nothing because my day's been shitty. It happens, and I need to be aware that it's not ok and I need to control it.
But that's just one thing. There's all this shit with work, and reality and I just ugh. It's so daunting toy think about that it's stressing me to the high heavens just thinking about it. I just want to sleep. Sleep and never stop sleeping. My dreams can often be much nicer than reality.
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