So I’m writing today, on this the fourth day of my new job, because my life is a mess right now. Not in a bad way, but in a transitional way where nothing is certain at all and my entire life lays ahead of me with one giant fucking question mark. I am so stressed out that my mind is slowly turning to mush and I can’t begin to accurately think about it so I need to get it all down on paper before it explodes.
I’ll be doing most of my writings on the bus ride to work. Why? Because it’s a two hour long bus ride with an hour on two separate busses. Thus, lots of time to think and write. I’ve been trying to do homework during this time but it’s just so stressful and I can’t focus that I haven’t been able to get much done. It’s really hard to focus when the bus ride is such a tremendous amount of stress. I have no room for error on these things or else I get stuck in St Pete, where I know nobody and nothing, for the night. And I also have no control over things like traffic, bus detours, and etc that could very well serve to thwart me in my daily effort to get home. Since I”m also still figuring out the best bust routes to take and which ones are most dependable, it adds to the stress. I lose about 3.4 hours a day on these busses, And I work for 9. What does that mean? That means every day is a 13 hour day. 13x5 = 65 hour weeks. + 12 that I’m still working on campus. + 6 from classes. That’s an 83 hour week I’m pulling for the next six weeks.
I have to keep reminding myself that this hell is only for six weeks, that there’s only like three full weeks in that time period. That everything will be worth it in the end. Because so much stress that I have no control over just creates more stress and cycles out of control real quickly.
Work is another interesting change in my life. It’s my first legitimate job in my career and it’s terrifying. For so many reasons. Not the least of which is that the company I work for, has code that reads like ass. People who’ve worked there for 5+ years (in the company’s 9 year history) still have no fucking clue what the fuck large chunks of the code are even supposed to do. Others flat out refuse to touch other large sections because of how insane it is. So as I sit there looking at code, and can’t decipher it, the final question is always “Am I being retarded or this part of the fucked up code.”
Today at work, the other “new guy” (story for another time), Jessie, asked my boss, Preston, if he’d ever been handed a gigantic flaming pile of dog shit. His reply? “Yeah, my first day here at Focus.” -It both makes me feel better about myself and severely increases the stress. I’m trying my best to sift through the code, and I”m entry level so I have no pretense of being pro at this shit in general, much less in this weird API that is the Focus system.
I’m glad that I have friends and loved ones that I can rely on to just be there when I need them. For example, every time I see Sarah when I get back from work, she can see I’m visibly stressed as hell, and gets sad and asks me if there’s anything she can do. And all I need from her, from anyone, is a hug and a smile. That’s it. I just need to know I’m not alone.
And that’s really it, because at work, I feel the epitome of alone. I’m the new guy, fresh out of college with no previous programming experience (as in, professional programming experience) in a brand new area, both physical and figurative. I am so out of my element in St. Pete, where everyone and everything is a stranger, that it weighs heavily on me. I feel completely alien and the only respite I have are the three hours a day where I’m awake back home.
I’ll sign out here for today, I could go on and on forever, but I want to keep on writing on multiple days so I”ll make sure I have stuff I want to talk about.
-Over and Out
No comments:
Post a Comment