I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that hasn't gone away for days.
I think I'll just get straight to the point: What's wrong with me? I'm 22, about to graduate college, and I'm doing nothing to further my life. Let me explain. I should be doing more with coding to get better at it. Hell I should be building a portfolio. I should be. But I'm not. Nor have I. and I'm suffring for it. And why haven't I? I've been telling myself I need to for years. And now it's kicking me in the ass?
It terrifies me that there are so many people I come in contact with whom have such high expectations of me. My writing professors all want me to publish, my programming professors swear I'm brilliant, etc etc. I just don't know how to react. Today a prof. said they're forcing me to publish somehow. To which I said "Say what?" Apparently they believe my talent for writing needs to be shared with the world? I didn't even know how to respond. I don't know how to react.
Why can't I motivate myself? Why is the fear I feel so paralyzing that it stops me from acting. You'd think it'd kick my ass into gear but the more terrified I get, the more I clam up. It's counter productive and I'm trying to break but I've not been succesful yet.
I feel more and more pressures fall upon me with each rise and fall of the moon. It confuses me and leaves me wondering. And the sinking feeling, sinks deeper.
I'm absolutely terrified.
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