[12/13] Entry 51

So. After a grueling six weeks, and who knows what else with who else. I'm done with being a student and am now sleeping for the first time in my apartment.

That's a scary thought tbh. My apartment. I'm completely and officially, 150% on my own now. I mean I have been for a while but this is different, in name if not in practice. It's strange to walk around and be able to say "This is my apartment." and it's honestly just a little bit terrifying.

It's also a bit tear-jerky for me. I remembered today how I started this journey, four and a half years ago. The day before we were supposed to come up to UT as incoming freshmen for orientation I was stuck in miami with absolutely no way to get to tampa. No method of transportation that I could afford existed. Everything I owned at the time fit in a small box and one suitcase. I could carry it all myself with no issue, It was part of who I was: broke and had nothing. Literally nothing.

I wish I could have remembered that moment in the apst four and a half years when I felt pain over something or the other, when I felt sorrow and grieved over who knows what. Because remembering now, the pain I felt at that point is rivaled by only a couple or so others in my life. Most of which I think I've documented here in this blog. But no. Having worked my ass off to get to college, having found one I could legitimately go to, but then being stuck in deadshit nowhere because I had to pay rent fo rmy parents one last time. It was devastating. It's because of that I've worked so hard where I can and when I can and saved up money. It's why I currently freak out and have miniature panic attacks if my bank account goes below a certain number. There's something terrifying about having everything ripped away from you with nothing you can do.

Eventually, like two hours before I was supposed to depart to Tampa, I got a call from an old family friend who bailed me out and helped me. To Father Mateo I am probably deeply indebted to. I honestly, in a very literal and physical sense, would not be here today if it wasn't for him.

I'm exhausted and have a huge cycle of emotions circling around in my head that I want to talk about but I can't see straight anymore and I'm afraid if I keep on typing I'll start crying and I really just want to sleep. So I'll be talking more about the whirlwind of experiences over the next few days. Hopefully.

-Over and Out.