The overwhelming feeling of anxiety, stress, and loneliness I’ve been feeling isn’t new, I noticed. Rather, it’s not the first time I feel it. I felt this way too, when I first started UT and all I wanted to do was cry and run away. Which is honestly a pretty accurate description of how I feel right now. I feel like crying and crying and crying until the world goes to hell and it all ends. The anxiety and stress are so real that if not for my friends and my experiences with extreme depression, I would have completely shut down by now.
It may seem like I’m exaggerating, but I’m really not. Being so far away from anything resembles normalcy or familiarity, is tough. I can feel myself adapting however slowly, but my body feels older than it should. And the stress has put it even more so on fast forward. The end result? A compounding mental effect that’s devastating if left unchecked.
And boy does it make me thirsty. Everyone at my work drinks. Lots. And on fridays they even drink at work. And you know what would make all of this bearable? A shot or five. And that’s the problem, it’s never going to be just one drink, just one shot, if I start responding to stress with alcohol. It’s going to get out of hand real fast and I’ll lose all semblance of control before I”m even halfway aware of it. So I can’t drink, I don’t really want to drink.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not upset that I have a job and that I’m able to transition into this next step of my life. I’m more or less just documenting my steps and getting it off my chest so it doesn’t build up. I’m incredibly ecstatic that I got a job doing what I wanted to do (php/sql/js dev) right out of college. And I’ve heard some people say “I’m sorry” when they hear I’m making 35k a year but uh, no? That’s honestly more than my parents ever made when I was growing up. That’s a lifestyle much better than one I ever knew. I’ll take it with open hands.
And yes I mean, the job itself is stressful due to the nature of the company I”m working with, but I’ve come to realize that if I learn to work in the environment I have to deal with at work, I’ll be wonderful to work anywhere. If I can learn to sift through and understand the jumble of arbitrary messes that is Focus, there will be nothing that I can’t understand after the fact. It’s going to be a really good thing for me. I just need to finish fully transitioning.
And part of it is, I don’t want to fully transition. Because. Right now. That means I have to be further away from Sarah for some time. And I mean I knew it was inevitable and honestly this is close to the best case scenario of what could have happened after I graduated, but that doesn’t make it any better. I’ve gotten so used to having her at my side, of knowing that no matter what, I can always know that I’m coming home to the love of my life, that it’s going to make the transition into moving alone here at the end of the month a much harder one.
I am, so glad, that I found Sarah, and that she found me. I’ll dedicate an entire post to how much I love her and why I have fifty million reasons to be glad to have her, but for now suffice it to say that I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
And on that note, I’ll sign out of this post.
-Over and out.
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