So, this entry is going to serve for both Saturday and Sunday because while I wouldn't exactly call both of these days uneventful, I would however say that I wasn't awake and/or conscious for a vast majority of them. This weekend has blurred by almost entirely with little effort. Why? Because I've been hiding out in my head, trying to find fuel to keep on going. To try to find some actual source of external change in the world to reflect what I'm trying to accomplish internally. But it's all just kind of taken it's over all toll on me and I'm feeling burnt out? From everything in general. So. That's where most of my weekend went, trying to keep myself going. I'm kind of looking forward to when I'm part of the workforce, that way I can just turn off and let myself go off on auto pilot. Yeah. That'd be nice.
Wow. That's fucking scary. How far have I fucking fallen? I want fucking monotony and to fucking be able to tune out? What the fucking fuck fuck. Holy fucking shit what the bloody fuck is wrong with me? Jesus fucking lesbian Christ, this shit needs to be fixed. Ugh. I need motivation again. I might or might not have burnt up all that I had over the past two weeks. But this is where the hard part comes isn't it? It's the start that's easy, but keeping it going is the hard part. Fuckity fuck. Jeez. Yeah see. This is why I'm keeping this thing. Anyways. Just keeping on path, and doing what I can to stay on it, and simultaneously make myself not hate my life. Which is kind of hard.
Why is it hard? Because I may or may not have spent 3 hours last night crying myself to sleep, that's what I was doing instead of writing in here. Why? Too many fucking reasons. Where should I start? I feel like I've absolutely failed at everything I've set out to do in my life, and I feel like all I'm doing now is scrambling to make sure the failure isn't entirely absolute. Friends, loved ones, academics, financial, and just general future stability. I feel it's all gone down the shitter and it's entirely out of my hands now, like there's nothing I can physically do that can bring stability and something that lets me not hate myself. I feel like it's too late, there's not enough time left and I've fucked up so much time already that I'm not sure I can actually get out of this in one piece. And that's fucking scary part. That I won't fucking come out of this. I know people keep on telling me it'll get better, and I'm getting help, I just pray that it's enough. Maybe that's something I need to start doing. Meditation. Just to let my thoughts objectively, and as emotion-free as possible, float around and collide and see what happens.
I don't fucking know ok. I'm still get nam-style flashbacks in every little conversation and I'm letting little things get to me and hit me all the time and even as I try to deal with them, it's not really fixing a thing. So. It's kind of a serious fucking problem. So. I guess here's what I'm going to plan to do:
A) Fucking sleep less. I've slept fucking 12+ hours a day the past 4 days. That shit needs to fucking cut it the fuck out. It's not good for me, my depression, or my productivity. FUCKING FIX THAT SHIT MOFO.
B) Fucking do SOMETHING. Ugh. It's hard because everytime I get depressed and down I feel like doing nothing and just curl up, and while I've generally been good about doing something else, it hasn't been enough, judging by the amount of sleep I'm getting.
C) Do somethign PRODUCTIVE. Not just play vidya. I seem to be letting my social life rule again, and while it's fine, I'm past that point, I need to be focusing more on programming and shit and just, ugh. I need to do more shit that I'll actually benefit from.
D) Be more honest. I need to stop telling people that htings don't hurt me when they do, or telling htem that [x] or [y] is alright even when it's actually really not. That shit needs to stop. I need to stop that. I really do. Like there's one thing being nice and considerate, and there's another just setting myself up for hurt and failure. No. Bad.
E) Stop giving a shit about what other people think. Self explanatory but so much easier said than done. So very much easier said than done.
I don't know. I'm tired of all this shit, and I'm about to run out of gas so I have to stop just trying to burn through it all as fast as possible. I'm not going ot do sh it by burning myself out in a couple weeks, I need to pace myself. I need to understand that I can't fix everything in a few days, and I can't fix other people. I really need to understand that last one. As I do that, I'll find it easier to keep on going and moving forwards. When I stop wasting energy on things that just won't react in an efficient manner. Just. No.
Ugh. I'm going to sleep because I have class in five hours.
[10/10 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[8/10 Days Going to the Gym]
[10/10 Days Running Taking My Meds]
No comments:
Post a Comment