Guess who went to their first AA meeting today? Me. Yup. I went to AA this afternoon, and am at least going to go weekly to this one, not sure about dailies, but I'm going to a different meeting tomorrow at noon. Why am I going to AA? Because I've hit that point. That point where nothing else I know works, nothing else I've tried works, so I'm exhausting every option even remotely available, because it's now or never. And you know what? I'm getting pretty decent feelings from the AA group here on Campus. There's three students, two seniors and a sophomore, and a few older folks as it's a general AA group, it just happens to be situated here on campus. They were all supportive and upon finding out it was my first meeting, they all gave me their contact information and told me not to be afraid to call if anything's going on. Then they told me stories of times when they had to call someone in the group. And idk. Setting aside all the 12step stuff, I feel like just having people who I feel no pressure from, who have had it worse than I and know where I'm at, knowing these people are there and that I can draw from their experience and hopefully learn properly, I should be on the right path. It still pains me to say that I'm going to AA, it's a huge pride issue, but, it's happened. And here's hoping.
I spent all day with a hole in my chest and my stomach acting up. Once again my depression has gotten to the point where I can't eat, and every little thing reminds me not just of my most recent mistakes, but all of them. Absolutely all my mistakes. They're all coming back to haunt me with everything they have. They know as well as I that this is do or die time. And I can't afford to lose to them. I can't replace them with another one this time, I can't pretend they don't exist until it stops bothering me temporarily. I can't shove them in a box and pretend they don't exist. And I can't drink them away. I have to face them all, as far as they go. I've tried before, I got some headway done into it last year. But it was painful and scary and having to face all my mistakes and move on, was hard, because there's just so many of them that I like pretending they don't exist. And having to face them, sucks.
But my demons suck for two reasons: One, the obvious one, is that I know that I eventually explode everything, but at my core I've never wanted to hurt anyone I Cared about, and the fact I did, is just too much for me to bear, and having to face all of them in my head, having to look into their eyes all at the same time? It's heavy, and it makes me curl up in bed. But the second reason? I've created most of my demons. For whatever reason, I always sabotage myself. Whether it's a conscious effect or not, I find that I've always found a way to blow up things that are going well for me. Sometimes I'll just not reply to a job email that I've already accepted and they're just waiting on final confirmation, because I don't deserve nice things. Other times I'll purposefully get drunk or do something that I have a feeling will upset someone, just so I can get what I deserve: Nothing. I couldn't tell you why I do, but it's been brought up before that I sabotage myself often, subconscious and not. And it's a big reason why I have all my problems. So having to face that demon, the demon that I think I don't deserve anything, that causes all my problems, is hardest of it all, because at the end, that's the one that is going to be hardest to tackle.
Why do I sabotage myself? I really don't know. I know that at least one level of it is that I don't deserve it. But on other levels, I really don't know. I figure this is going to be one of those things that I'm going to be thinking a lot about in the days to come, because that's a core problem I face, if only I knew how to deal with it. At least, I had learned to control it a lot while sober, but when drunk it's "Self-Explosions: The Musical." I know part of it stems from my anger issues, which I also thought I had put under control many years ago but it seems very obvious to me that they've come back recently. And they came back with a vengeance. I just know that every time I've done something stupid, before it got to that moment, I Felt a disturbance in the force, and I knew, I just knew that something was going to go wrong, that I shouldn't go to [x] place, that I shouldn't do [y] thing. But I did it anyways, because the negatives weren't clearly visible. I denied my own intuition and deductive reasoning in order to not have to delve deeper into the why, to be able to run, and each time I ran straight off a damn cliff.
My name is Juan, and I'm an alcoholic. This is my FIRST day without drinking.
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