So. Tonight's entry might be brief, but it's something I feel like I need to talk about.
I'm constantly being destroyed by reminders. There are reminds of what I did, physical, lasting reminds, everywhere. There are reminders of her everywhere I look, everywhere I think, and reminders of how badly I've fucked up in the past every where I turn. As much as I try to tune them out, I fail, and every passing day it gets worse. And there's nothing anyone can really do about it, it just hurts and it's my fault and it's hard. And I don't just mean vague reminders "Oh this happened here" I mean "Oh. This belongs to her or that belongs to [x] or she/[x] gave me that." And it just doesn't get any easier, by any stretch of the imagination.
And it hurts, to see these very obvious and painful reminds everywhere. In the past I've always gone through massive cullings of things that would remind me of people I, at the time, would have rathered not be reminded of. It resulted in me losing many things dear to me, many precious memories I wish I hadn't. And it's all ultimately my fault, and I know that it's not the right path. But then what is?
Because i don't think I can keep on looking at these things and getting the sudden urge to bawl, getting the urge to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness, or getting the urge to run away and just curl up in my bed and block out the world. Because it's exhausting to deal with it, and it's exponentially more difficult to deal with each time it happens. And I'm not strong enough because I don't think I can say that they won't happen again, I'm not strong enough to say that I've even begun to set off the karmic balance. Because it was all my fault, and I know it was, and I accept that. I just wish there was a way of doing so that didn't make me want to bawl my fucking eyes out. I have wide gaping holes in my heart from those I've pushed away, and... And I just am not sure it'll be easy to see pieces of it everywhere and it not hurt like hell.
And that's something that I think a lot of people, myself included, can't understand: Dealing with this shit is exhausting. It's physically and mentally exhausting. It drains you of your energy so fast when you have to make conscious efforts every other minute of every hour of every day to not cry, to hold it in, to deal with it and move on. And I just. Don't have the ability to do it for much longer. I'm only being held together at this point by my friends' support. And that's it. I'm trying my hardest to put myself together and find some way to hold it together after the fact, but the easy solutions are all that keep coming to mind so I just turn back to this, one of the ways I know that'll get me a decent solution that'll last for a decent amount of time.
I'm just not sure I have the time to build myself back the right way up.
[5/5 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[4/5 Days Going to the Gym]
[5/5 Days Running Taking My Meds]
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