So. Today's been a hectic day. A lot of downs and a couple ups. Even though it was a fairly short day for me! Since I actually got up at around 4 pm because what even is a normal sleep schedule when you go to bed at 7am after having been up for at least 24 hours?
Anyways. Taking it from the top. I got hit with a two way smack right off the bat. One of them, was simply me taking things out of context and letting my mind run with it and I was just being a derp. Thankfully, that one issue was just entirely in my head so. The other one, not so much. And what was it? So. Apparently the story is getting crazy out of hand. Today a few people came up to me and told me that I was scum for "beating the shit" out of a girl, and a couple people I actually thought of as friends are now refusing to talk to me because they're believing all the bullshit that's apparently floating around? I don't exactly know who it is, or how the story is getting around, but the story apparently includes the idea that I gave Raven a black eye, among other things. None of which actually happened. But, that's the story and nobody's even willing to listen to me and things are growing and it's just not ok. It's not okay for more reasons than I care to count, and it's making me want to just turn tail and run far far away because I don't even. I really can't deal with that on top of everything else. This was concurring with the other issue that I would later find out was entirely my head, but at the time it was working in tandem to drive me down fast.
Thankfully, today was AA. And, it was a good meeting. It was a really good meeting. It. It helped a lot. One thing we talked about, and forced me to come to face is that doing things for others is a good in and of itself. But every time I do so, my mind has, especially recently, started taking tallies and thinking of them as "oh, I did [x] for you, I need you to do [y] for me now." and that's not how that shit works. It's not how it'll ever work. And I need to cut that shit out. I've just gone too many times doing things for people just freely and off actual good will, only to have them throw back in my face later, so somewhere down the line I thought if I began to keep tally I could at least bring some sort of semblance of control over it. But I can't, and all I do is add extra stress and turmoil on all sides of the equation, and it needs to completely stop.
I also realized that this entire thing, as much as I may be doing it for whatever entity we wish to refer to as "myself" (the author of this post) I'm also doing it just as much for everyone in my life. I'm doing it to show them that they're not wrong to stand by me. And that this shit is never going to happen again. And that it may take a few extra blows, but I will eventually learn my lessons. And that eventually is now. And it's hard to get people to understand or truly believe it, and it's fine and I don't blame them to be honest. I can't do a thing about it. All I can do is keep on going and be genuine to the path I've chosen to follow, and hopefully, eventually, people will begin to believe me. I'm far from a saint, so I can't expect anything out of others that I wouldn't expect out of me. And I know that in everyone else's eyes it's "only been a week" and what not. And I recognize that it's a fairly trivial amount of time under most circumstances. It just seems like a lot longer when you're forcing yourself to be sober and face your demons on a daily basis that you had been pretending don't exist for years.
But yeah. I do these things, not because I genuinely believe I deserve better? But I'm doing it because I believe the people in my life deserve better, and not one of them deserves to be hurt because of my mistakes and inadequacies.
Anyways, after AA I had the anime club game night thing, which was alright enough, but during it I noticed Ash was out of it and not ok throughout, and after the fact I tried talking ot her only to find out that I had been inadvertently hurting her by letting her think think that she could be a replacement for someone else, and that she could be replaced, and that I had made her feel like a tool and invisible. And while I realize that the very idea of Ashley being anything less than this amazing person in my life is foolish to me, I recognize that everyone else around me is insecure and is plagued by these things which I admittedly am oblivious to. And in this case, it's because I got so busy and so over taken with other things that she seemed to be taking a back seat. And I Never ever ever meant to hurt her or for that to be the case. But I know that I tend to get carried away, and often times it'll happen with me (I know it happened with Scott my freshman year) where it can seem that I just don't pay much attention to one of my close friends. And if this is ever you: It's not on purpose, and I'm not trying to be any less of a friend to you nor am I even trying to pull away. I'm just getting carried away by my surroundings and being busy and stupid. Please never hesitate to hit me up if you think I'm in any way ignoring or using you. That is never ever the case.
And that took a lot more out of me than I had imagined it could. Because it's one thing if something I consciously did hurt someone, it's another altogether for something that wasn't even remotely on purpose to have hurt someone so close to me. And I know how frustrating that situation can be for both sides and I just, I just can't. Please, if anyone ever thinks that I'm not taking their feelings into consideration about anything I'm doing, don't hesitate to say something. I am not a mind reader.
I feel like if I keep going to AA, I'll be able to very decently keep on tackling my demons. It really is a huge source of support for reasons I really can't quite begin to grasp. But it's helping. And it helped me feel a lot better today, and I keep on going over what we talked about these last two meetings and analyzing them to help myself grow as a person. I'm also holding unto my white chip and every so often grip with until my knuckles go white whenever I find myself really badly wanting to drink away my problems. Which has happened more often than I'd have liked to believe it really would.
[8/8 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[7/8 Days Going to the Gym]
[8/8 Days Running Taking My Meds]
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