So first off: Spoilers! I spent, literally, ALL day up until 6, 7 PM, curled up in my bed alternating between sleeping and crying. Yay me right? What was I crying about? I think the only accurate answer I got... Is... Everything? Yeah, everything sounds about right. Every time I woke up, I would try to force myself to get up, get food, do my laundry, and go to the gym. That's all I was trying to do. THOSE WERE MY GOALS FOR THE DAY! Nothing special. Just. Fucking doing three semi basic things that needed to be done. At around 6/7PM I finally forced myself out of bed and dragged myself out to do the above. So, those are my accomplishments for the day! Yay. Ugh. As much as I may want to berate myself, I'm kind of proud that I managed to do even that much because realistically, doing anything right now, anything at all, requires infinite amounts of willpower because I just want to curl up in a corner and drop dead.
I've dropped one of my classes. I was considering it before all this happened, because next semester its going to be a better professor and a better class that I'll actually benefit from, and this semester it's an AD/PR class when it's not fuckign supposed to be. But now I just don't have the ability to cope with that much stress, I realistically don't. So I dropped it, because I had to. Fuck my life. Here's hoping I can get all my classes next semester. Doubtful but we'll see.
No but seriously, how did I get to this point? How did I fuck up this badly, how have I allowed myself to slip this bad? And why? Who am I? I don't know anymore. I really don't. The only things I know for sure is that I'm exhausted, and that I can't do this, whatever this is, again. I just can't.
Why can't I ever just accept things? Why do I always have to assume the worst and believe that everyone is out to get me? Why do I have to fuck up spectacularly because I believe that. That I'm expendable to myself. Why do I hurt those I love so much, so often, when all I genuinely want to do is make them happy. And yet I feel entitled so some degree of equivalent exchange, and expect it, and it in turn fucks me up more so. And I don't know where it came from. I know its a recent development, but it needs to go away.
If someone gave me a loaded gun right now? I'd do it. With no hesitation. Why? Because I'm a coward, because through no othe rmethod am I capable of crossing that particular finish line. But I'm also a coward because I'm terrified of what comes next, and I'm not sure that anything good can come next because I quite frnakly don't deserve anything better. All my actions are absolute crap, and I should get treated like absolute crap, so I'm terrified because I'm so lost, and tired. And so, so, so very done.
It hurts. It really, really, hurts. And I'm more sorry than I could possibly express with words. Sorry about everything, and to everyone. But I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm just trudging onwards, clinging to everything and anything I can to prove that I'm sorry, to prove that I'm better than that, and to be able to forgive myself, above all else.
[2/2 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[2/2 Days Running Going to the Gym]
[2/2 Days Running Taking My Meds]
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