[9/25] Entry Seven: Rooftops

((Technically writing this the morning after because I got back to my room last night and passed the fuck out after a shower))

So after doing a quick read through of all my other entries, I realized there's a lot of "shit sucks" and not a whole bunch of talking about what I'm doing about it. So, at least for a bit, I'm going to take a brief inventory of shit that I am in fact, doing differently or doing right or just things I'm doing in an attempt at something.

First off, there are certain people that I'm not even trying to pretend like I'm ok to, people that I'm going to when shit gets rough so they can at least slap me (or give me a hug, as has been the case) back in line. It's a weakness to need help, as far as I see, but right now I know that if left to my own devices, these problems will just exacerbate. Because I know that these are the people I'm likely to hurt if I stray off the path, they also at least deserve to know if there's a chance I'll go wrong again. Hopefully I won't, I'm trying my hardest not to.

Let's see, what else. Oh! The Gym, which, I actually managed to make to today (Wednesday). If I go to the gym regularly, it also keeps me from going crazy, going to the gym is also a decent way of dealing with my shit instead of other, more harmful ways. It's a little thing, but if I can stick to it it'll also help me in other areas that'll help with my mental well being so all-in-all it's just something that's good for me to do in general. Also, y'know, working out releases neurotransmitters that make you feel better and all that jazz.

I'm also juggling my time and who I spend it with. If I give any one person in my life too much importance, I know that things are just going to get out of hand, as they always have. And while it's hard, because there are a couple people that I would love to spend all my time with because I just genuinely love being around t hem, I can't do that and I know I can't. At least not until I've got my shit straight.

Oh, I'm at least getting closer to a normal sleep schedule which, in theory, should help at least a bit.

I'm also doing a better job of identifying shit that could make me go down the deep end and avoiding it. For now it's merely just running away from it, but for now thats all I need to do. Once I stop trying to reach for the flask in my pocket (which isn't there anymore) as a response to situations, I'll stop running away. But a step at a time.

I'm also going to AA. Which, is actually a fairly huge deal.

I'm actually taking my meds every day as well. Which, is something small, but nonetheless something that I've never been good about taking them every single day. And when you're on them, even one day without (as we've seen) can be pretty damn painful because of detox bullshit.

I'm also forcing myself to do new things that are outside my comfort zone, for the sake of exposing myself to just new shit in general, Maybe some of it will help?

Ashley mentioned tonight that I should consider getting a plant. And the more I think about it the more I realize she was right about saying it's a good idea, and I probably will at some point soon. Just something that I have to take care of and depends on me (a pet might be better BUT LOLOL CAMPUS? Though. I might possibly get a fish? Maybe?) But that's something else that might be on the list soon.

And mostly I'm just trying harder to be honest with myself. There's a lot of s hit that I just deny outright or things that I pretend don't bother me and whatnot for the sake of an image that I try to create that just isn't true, so, I need to be honest with at least myself. Because I always end up believing my facades, which never ends well.

Also, actually listening to other people. That's, kind of a big one.

[6/6 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[5/6 Days Going to the Gym]
[6/6 Days Running Taking My Meds]