[9/22] Entry Four: As his Black Heart dies

"Don't give me that! I know what being drunk does! I've been drunk enough times, it just removes filters!"

Yup. That's true, and that line has been bothering me, a lot, and here's why:

First off, let me say something: My emotions are about 150% stronger than an average person's on just day to day things. When I get excited, I get REALLY excited. When I get angry/sad, I get REALLY fucking depressed/pissed. Etc etc. Of course, not all the time, I've clearly need to have experienced what a little angry/sad is in order to hold the opposite in proper regard. Generally, I've learned to control most of it over the years. Because little things have always triggered me all over the place, and it used to be really bad, and I still hold it as a personal trophy that I am as controlled (When sober) as I am. Generally when I disappear for a walk, or just go off the radar, it's because I'm going off the charts and need some time off.

Now, I don't always control them, even when sober. Stress, exhaustion, etc can cause me to be less mindful of my retardo emotions, and shit'll happen. Even then, I still manage to filter into it ways that my mind can somehow, somewhat rationalize, but I've clearly found out that it doesn't work regardless. But still. Point is, little things that people generally are able to shrug off, hit me like a bulldozer. And even if I don't show it when it happens, every night it'll haunt me till the sandman takes me for whatever two or so hours he deems I deserve that night.

Quick intermission to also explain something I've discovered: After the first time I hit true, pitch black please-kill-me-now depression, it's become increasingly easier to fall down that rabbit hole every time since. There's actually a medical reason for this? Involving neural pathways being formed, and the body producing less neuro transmitters and then accepting those new lower levels as the norm, thus causing a permanently lower level of said neurotransmitter, and making it easier for the mind/body to be like "HEY. [X] IS HAPPENING AGAIN. ITS TIME FOR [Y]" - This is what's supposed to be fixed with meds, well, one of the things that continuous usage of meds is supposed to do, but considering I've only ever been able to stay on them for three months, hasn't really happened. So. I know that this sounds like whining, but I'm writing this for myself, and I have to acknowledge the following: Fighting that ever constant battle with depression is hard. It's really, really, really hard. It's really hard to talk to people about it as well because how am I supposed to tell them that "That one thing you did that you weren't even paying attention to" caused me to go hide in my room for an hour and made me feel like absolute shit? Because increased emotions + a well lubed path down the rabbit hole = FUCK ME. It really, really is hard

So what happens when I get drunk? KABOOM. Emotions go all over the place. Which is, to be quite frankly, sometimes the entire reason I get drunk. Because it gets too much to handle sometimes. Whether it be the anger, or sadness, or whatever. And other methods have, over years, gotten to be highly ineffective. Video game violence and what not doesn't serve, because I know it's just fictional and doesn't actually require I exert any amount of energy and cause my amygdala to activate, thus, not effective. Books can make me cry, but that's about it. And other methods have proved increasingly inefficient. In fact, true story: When really out of it, I can't play video games. Because then it doesn't matter how focus-intensive the game is supposed to be, auto pilot just takes over. All games are monotonous to some extent, even if they're energy intensive, I always figure out a way to break them and be able to drop my attention to it, and then my mind goes off back to whatever it was messing with my emotions, and it just makes everything else.

So I can't handle shit, and I get drunk. What happens then? Full blown explosions. Everything comes out. Everything I hide over the days and weeks and months and years comes out, every time I get drunk it decides that it's time to come out and play! So it all exacerbates, because getting a little angry makes me get more angry, which just in turn causes a cycle.

So yes, it just makes it easier for shit to happen but it's not things that I would ever let happen on a normal basis. I don't get that out of control when sober because I've learned how to handle myself, and I can honestly say that I haven't gone off the handle (in terms of anger) when sober since middle school. Depression flights go back to freshman year, but I've generally contained those when sober.

And this last incident? I'll be honest. I don't have the slightest clue where it came from, not in the least. I just... But the fact it did come out, regardless of anything else? Means I need to stop, and fix myself, and ensure that it never, ever happens again. Which, the easiest way is to get rid of what causes it to go on a rampage. But that's the start. The rest of it is accepting my own demons, and etc etc. I just... It's a hard fight sometimes. Because FML.

[3/3 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[3/3 Days Running Going to the Gym]
[3/3 Days Running Taking My Meds]