Roar.
So, first off, I didn't get to go to the gym today. But then again going to the gym on Mondays/Wednesdays is little more than a pipe dream so I mean, it's whatever. If I go 5/7 days a week it's fine right? At any rate I've already lost about 8 pounds this semester and still losing so yay me? I guess? Idk. So yeah, just as a heads up when the counter at the end of this post doesn't go up for all fields.
Met with Mrs. Law today. It was interesting, and should be helpful as the semester carries on. I'm glad that Ashley decided that I should talk to her, and whatnot. The more help the better. And, it helped to remind me, ever so slightly, how blessed I am for the friends that I have had by me all these years.
The passing days are hard for me. My mistakes and my emotions just keep coming back, thundering down on me as they threaten to break down the door. I'm not sure that they haven't already, because I'm not sure how I pushed them back after last week. But I've at least found a corner and am trying to hide here. Until I'm strong enough to come out and start dealing with the monsters in my head. But it's not easy. I can still hear them, feel them, see them. A moment's silence in reality is followed by a resurgence of the drums on the inside, constantly reminding me of what I'm hiding from.
I don't even know what it is that I am hiding from, I don't know how to deal with it either. I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is I'm dealing with before I even begin to pretend to be capable of shutting it down. But that's the hard part, when I'm trying to do it right. Because what ARE the monsters in the dark?
Part of my conversation with Mrs. Law earlier was about my Family, and she kept on asking questions and kept on trying to push and prod and I just... Couldn't. There's a lot there that's hard for me to face, for me to admit. Because I've spent so long telling myself that it doesn't matter, that I can ignore it, and that it doesn't affect me in any way that having to turn around now to face what exactly it was I'm avoiding? Doesn't exactly seem ... nice. My family is a sore subject with me. Always has been. There's a lot there. From the fact my mom hates me and blames me for her family disowning her, to the fact I'll never feel like I'm good enough for my dad. And a whole hell of a lot more in between.
I'm also just generally emotionally unstable. When I was younger, it was anger issues, that despite recent outbursts, in comparison to how bad it was when I was a young teenager, it's definitely gotten better. And now that I have depression to deal with, it just means I go back and forth along that spectrum a lot easier than I'd like. And it's a problem. And I just. I just.
I really am lost. I need to fix myself, I need to get better, and I'm trying. I'm just confused on how best to accomplish it.
On another note, I don't know why while I'm freely willing to admit I'm wrong, and never fault anyone for thinking the worst of me, why it's still so hard to accept help. To admit that I can't recover by myself. Up until this point I've done most of my picking myself back up by myself, some help yes, but usually I fought to be allowed to do it by myself, or did it far away from others so nobody could see. Never have I been willing to admit that I need help getting back up the entire way. And this time, I know I do. This time it's taking all my strength just to ask for and accept help. Ugh.
Yes, yes, I'm whining a lot. It's fine. I'm allowed to whine to myself, I'm also allowed to stop pretending like I'm ok. Because I'm not, so if only in front of this screen, I'll stop acting like I'm ok and like it's all ok. It's not, and I'm not.
[4/4 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[4/4 Days Running Taking My Meds]
[3/4 Days Going To The Gym]
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