[9/19] Entry One: At the precipice of the End.

So, since this is the first post, I'm going to explain somethings. First off: These writings are all going to be really, really hard for me, as I'm going to push myself to uncover whatever truths I may be hiding, and to come out in the open with things I've kept secret. It's not going to be sugar coated or in any way exaggerated, just the facts. Second off: I'm going to be writing daily, I have to write daily. I HAVE to. And third off: If I link you to this, it means that I'd appreciate if you at least hit the follow button and read the updates, you don't have to say anything about it, I just, I just need to know that there's a chance someone's actually listening. A large part of this is as much for everyone as it is for me, because I feel like there's a lot that's hidden from the world that I believe people should know. I'm also not at a point yet where I can say I'm doing things 100% for myself, I'm getting there, I have to, but I need to build myself up to it, in the mean time I'm not afraid to say that I desire some sort of validation of this endeavor, which would be provided by knowing people have at least tried to read it.

Alright, that aside.

I'm up at bat, it's the bottom of the ninth, two outs, two strikes, three balls, tying run on third and winning run on second. I can't keep on going, I really can't keep on going like I have. Either I end this tirade of retardation on my part, or I stop. Those are my choices now because I'm 100% done, I'm not entirely sure the decision is even in my hands anymore.

What happened? I got drunk. Really drunk. I tried to hide from my mind and my emotions by delving into alcohol, and a lot of it. On some level I knew that it would go really wrong, and I knew that I'd get violent if it did but I ignored it and I continued drinking. The end result is that I physically hurt some people that I care about, and one of which is now refusing to even have me in their life. And I'm not going to lie, I feel like that particular wound is now at critical mass. I still believe that if I can prove I changed next time I contact them, it's not a complete lost cause. Because if it is a lost cause? So am I. I physically can not deal with that wound getting deeper. That is the end of that line.

I also can't deal with me hurting anyone else, ever again. Nor can I be allowed to repeat the mistake, which has been historically fueled by alcohol. Regardless of what fuels it, it's a mistake I can not repeat because I'm already a fairly awful person and have lost a lot, a lot a lot, because of those mistakes. And I'm never going to be able to fix them, which is what I've been trying to do till now. I have to move on, I have to learn and lay them to rest, not to keep and trying to go back and fix them, because then I Just end up bringing them back to the now and making history repeat itself.

It's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. I feel like shit, I threw up everything I ate earlier, and I really just want to fall asleep and never wake up. This is my absolute final straw. I know it's hard for some of you to believe it, but it is. It has to be. Even getting up from this and trying to move on is taking so much effort, so much will power, that if I fall again? I'll be gone before I hit the ground. I'm done. I'm doing everything as different as I can this time though, and I"m not going to try to do it alone like I have before. I have asked, and will be asking for help, because I know that this is something I can not overcome by myself.

I'm honestly considering taking the rest of the semester off because I'm not sure I can deal with school right now. I'm really not sure, but going back home is equally as bad an option so I don't know. I can't handle anything right now, and especially myself.

Also, I'm not allowed to drink alcohol, I'm seriously not allowed to have any alcohol, ever again. If anyone sees me drinking: Stop me.

And to Raven: I'm, so, so so sorry. That particular thing that happened last night, has never actually happened before. I've never gotten that violent and I don't understand where it came from. I'm glad that I didn't actually hit you, but I just, I can't deal with losing you over it. It was one stupid fight. And I was drunk. I know you won't read this because I"m not giving you the link, but, please, please understand that I didn't mean it and it was stupid and omg I'm... I... Yeah.