So. Another meeting with Mrs. Law today, a conversation with Ashley, and kind of forced to open to someone that I had hoped I could keep out of my crazy for at least a while longer. Also, fuck my schedule, I forgot how exhausting nonstop classes were.
So, where do I want to start? Oh, I know. On the conversation with Mrs. Law today: It was certainly interesting. She like so many others gave me credit for what I've accomplished academically and what not, and gave me praise that I'm still not sure I deserve because of how easy it can honestly be for me at times. I recognize that for others its hard, and that even for people who find it easy, it's often the case where they don't just because they don't care, but still. I shouldn't get praise for something that takes minimal effort on my part. Although she did also point out the fact that I'm being active about staying sober by willingly going to extra AA meetings and whatnot, and I'll be honest, THAT is really hard. There's so many things going on that normally would make me want to cut, drink, or smoke. And the fact I'm doing none of the above and have been doing none of the above these past few weeks. I've grown so used to not dealing with things because dealing with them meant so much worse would happen, that, having to face some of these things and stay sober is really, really hard.
But I'm staying in there. I'm avoiding as many pot holes as I can on this road I'm on.
And I'll be honest, I owe a lot of it to my friends. I can not stress enough how glad I am that each and every one of them is at my side, that I know I can count on them. A lot of them, I've been through a lot of shit with over the years, good and bad. And they still have my back, and I don't think they can ever understand how much that means to me. Because I wouldn't even be alive today if it wasn't for my friends, it's cliche but true.
One of the freshman, Nick, the other day was having a moral dilemma about whether or not he should transfer. He wanted to drop out this past sunday because his to-be-transferred-to school had already accepted him, but he wanted to stay because even in just a few short weeks he had met people that meant a lot to him and like I told him, it's easier to be a big fish in a small pond than a big fish in a huge lake. I told him that I had stayed at UT 100% because of my friends, and that I wouldn't have changed it for the world. And the fact of the matter is that it's true. No matter what else, I would not change these friendships I've made at school, the people I've met, and the lessons I've learned, for anything.
Also Ashley showed me something today, that, kind of brought something really close to home, and... I just. Yeah. Not ready to talk about it yet, it seems, not even to myself. I'll come back to it later, some other day, I promise.
Scott asked me how I'm doing and my honest answer was "I don't know." Because I really don't know anymore. Part of me is good to go, the other part of me is still struggling to pick up the pieces. And I just. I don't want to hurt anyone else again, I don't want to let anyone else down, at all. And it's hard to keep on facing all this shit with my head held high because I'm basically letting a gigantic fucking shitstorm of everything imaginable smack me in the face. But it's the only way I have of moving forwards, of learning, and just. Yeah.
Debating whether or not to show this blog to the new person that somehow forced herself into shit. Iunno. We'll see.
[11/11 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[9/11 Days Going to the Gym]
[11/11 Days Running Taking My Meds]
Monday, September 30, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
[9/28-9/29] Entry Ten: All-star
So, this entry is going to serve for both Saturday and Sunday because while I wouldn't exactly call both of these days uneventful, I would however say that I wasn't awake and/or conscious for a vast majority of them. This weekend has blurred by almost entirely with little effort. Why? Because I've been hiding out in my head, trying to find fuel to keep on going. To try to find some actual source of external change in the world to reflect what I'm trying to accomplish internally. But it's all just kind of taken it's over all toll on me and I'm feeling burnt out? From everything in general. So. That's where most of my weekend went, trying to keep myself going. I'm kind of looking forward to when I'm part of the workforce, that way I can just turn off and let myself go off on auto pilot. Yeah. That'd be nice.
Wow. That's fucking scary. How far have I fucking fallen? I want fucking monotony and to fucking be able to tune out? What the fucking fuck fuck. Holy fucking shit what the bloody fuck is wrong with me? Jesus fucking lesbian Christ, this shit needs to be fixed. Ugh. I need motivation again. I might or might not have burnt up all that I had over the past two weeks. But this is where the hard part comes isn't it? It's the start that's easy, but keeping it going is the hard part. Fuckity fuck. Jeez. Yeah see. This is why I'm keeping this thing. Anyways. Just keeping on path, and doing what I can to stay on it, and simultaneously make myself not hate my life. Which is kind of hard.
Why is it hard? Because I may or may not have spent 3 hours last night crying myself to sleep, that's what I was doing instead of writing in here. Why? Too many fucking reasons. Where should I start? I feel like I've absolutely failed at everything I've set out to do in my life, and I feel like all I'm doing now is scrambling to make sure the failure isn't entirely absolute. Friends, loved ones, academics, financial, and just general future stability. I feel it's all gone down the shitter and it's entirely out of my hands now, like there's nothing I can physically do that can bring stability and something that lets me not hate myself. I feel like it's too late, there's not enough time left and I've fucked up so much time already that I'm not sure I can actually get out of this in one piece. And that's fucking scary part. That I won't fucking come out of this. I know people keep on telling me it'll get better, and I'm getting help, I just pray that it's enough. Maybe that's something I need to start doing. Meditation. Just to let my thoughts objectively, and as emotion-free as possible, float around and collide and see what happens.
I don't fucking know ok. I'm still get nam-style flashbacks in every little conversation and I'm letting little things get to me and hit me all the time and even as I try to deal with them, it's not really fixing a thing. So. It's kind of a serious fucking problem. So. I guess here's what I'm going to plan to do:
A) Fucking sleep less. I've slept fucking 12+ hours a day the past 4 days. That shit needs to fucking cut it the fuck out. It's not good for me, my depression, or my productivity. FUCKING FIX THAT SHIT MOFO.
B) Fucking do SOMETHING. Ugh. It's hard because everytime I get depressed and down I feel like doing nothing and just curl up, and while I've generally been good about doing something else, it hasn't been enough, judging by the amount of sleep I'm getting.
C) Do somethign PRODUCTIVE. Not just play vidya. I seem to be letting my social life rule again, and while it's fine, I'm past that point, I need to be focusing more on programming and shit and just, ugh. I need to do more shit that I'll actually benefit from.
D) Be more honest. I need to stop telling people that htings don't hurt me when they do, or telling htem that [x] or [y] is alright even when it's actually really not. That shit needs to stop. I need to stop that. I really do. Like there's one thing being nice and considerate, and there's another just setting myself up for hurt and failure. No. Bad.
E) Stop giving a shit about what other people think. Self explanatory but so much easier said than done. So very much easier said than done.
I don't know. I'm tired of all this shit, and I'm about to run out of gas so I have to stop just trying to burn through it all as fast as possible. I'm not going ot do sh it by burning myself out in a couple weeks, I need to pace myself. I need to understand that I can't fix everything in a few days, and I can't fix other people. I really need to understand that last one. As I do that, I'll find it easier to keep on going and moving forwards. When I stop wasting energy on things that just won't react in an efficient manner. Just. No.
Ugh. I'm going to sleep because I have class in five hours.
[10/10 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[8/10 Days Going to the Gym]
[10/10 Days Running Taking My Meds]
Wow. That's fucking scary. How far have I fucking fallen? I want fucking monotony and to fucking be able to tune out? What the fucking fuck fuck. Holy fucking shit what the bloody fuck is wrong with me? Jesus fucking lesbian Christ, this shit needs to be fixed. Ugh. I need motivation again. I might or might not have burnt up all that I had over the past two weeks. But this is where the hard part comes isn't it? It's the start that's easy, but keeping it going is the hard part. Fuckity fuck. Jeez. Yeah see. This is why I'm keeping this thing. Anyways. Just keeping on path, and doing what I can to stay on it, and simultaneously make myself not hate my life. Which is kind of hard.
Why is it hard? Because I may or may not have spent 3 hours last night crying myself to sleep, that's what I was doing instead of writing in here. Why? Too many fucking reasons. Where should I start? I feel like I've absolutely failed at everything I've set out to do in my life, and I feel like all I'm doing now is scrambling to make sure the failure isn't entirely absolute. Friends, loved ones, academics, financial, and just general future stability. I feel it's all gone down the shitter and it's entirely out of my hands now, like there's nothing I can physically do that can bring stability and something that lets me not hate myself. I feel like it's too late, there's not enough time left and I've fucked up so much time already that I'm not sure I can actually get out of this in one piece. And that's fucking scary part. That I won't fucking come out of this. I know people keep on telling me it'll get better, and I'm getting help, I just pray that it's enough. Maybe that's something I need to start doing. Meditation. Just to let my thoughts objectively, and as emotion-free as possible, float around and collide and see what happens.
I don't fucking know ok. I'm still get nam-style flashbacks in every little conversation and I'm letting little things get to me and hit me all the time and even as I try to deal with them, it's not really fixing a thing. So. It's kind of a serious fucking problem. So. I guess here's what I'm going to plan to do:
A) Fucking sleep less. I've slept fucking 12+ hours a day the past 4 days. That shit needs to fucking cut it the fuck out. It's not good for me, my depression, or my productivity. FUCKING FIX THAT SHIT MOFO.
B) Fucking do SOMETHING. Ugh. It's hard because everytime I get depressed and down I feel like doing nothing and just curl up, and while I've generally been good about doing something else, it hasn't been enough, judging by the amount of sleep I'm getting.
C) Do somethign PRODUCTIVE. Not just play vidya. I seem to be letting my social life rule again, and while it's fine, I'm past that point, I need to be focusing more on programming and shit and just, ugh. I need to do more shit that I'll actually benefit from.
D) Be more honest. I need to stop telling people that htings don't hurt me when they do, or telling htem that [x] or [y] is alright even when it's actually really not. That shit needs to stop. I need to stop that. I really do. Like there's one thing being nice and considerate, and there's another just setting myself up for hurt and failure. No. Bad.
E) Stop giving a shit about what other people think. Self explanatory but so much easier said than done. So very much easier said than done.
I don't know. I'm tired of all this shit, and I'm about to run out of gas so I have to stop just trying to burn through it all as fast as possible. I'm not going ot do sh it by burning myself out in a couple weeks, I need to pace myself. I need to understand that I can't fix everything in a few days, and I can't fix other people. I really need to understand that last one. As I do that, I'll find it easier to keep on going and moving forwards. When I stop wasting energy on things that just won't react in an efficient manner. Just. No.
Ugh. I'm going to sleep because I have class in five hours.
[10/10 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[8/10 Days Going to the Gym]
[10/10 Days Running Taking My Meds]
Saturday, September 28, 2013
[9/27] Entry Nine: Come one, Come all
So. Today's been a hectic day. A lot of downs and a couple ups. Even though it was a fairly short day for me! Since I actually got up at around 4 pm because what even is a normal sleep schedule when you go to bed at 7am after having been up for at least 24 hours?
Anyways. Taking it from the top. I got hit with a two way smack right off the bat. One of them, was simply me taking things out of context and letting my mind run with it and I was just being a derp. Thankfully, that one issue was just entirely in my head so. The other one, not so much. And what was it? So. Apparently the story is getting crazy out of hand. Today a few people came up to me and told me that I was scum for "beating the shit" out of a girl, and a couple people I actually thought of as friends are now refusing to talk to me because they're believing all the bullshit that's apparently floating around? I don't exactly know who it is, or how the story is getting around, but the story apparently includes the idea that I gave Raven a black eye, among other things. None of which actually happened. But, that's the story and nobody's even willing to listen to me and things are growing and it's just not ok. It's not okay for more reasons than I care to count, and it's making me want to just turn tail and run far far away because I don't even. I really can't deal with that on top of everything else. This was concurring with the other issue that I would later find out was entirely my head, but at the time it was working in tandem to drive me down fast.
Thankfully, today was AA. And, it was a good meeting. It was a really good meeting. It. It helped a lot. One thing we talked about, and forced me to come to face is that doing things for others is a good in and of itself. But every time I do so, my mind has, especially recently, started taking tallies and thinking of them as "oh, I did [x] for you, I need you to do [y] for me now." and that's not how that shit works. It's not how it'll ever work. And I need to cut that shit out. I've just gone too many times doing things for people just freely and off actual good will, only to have them throw back in my face later, so somewhere down the line I thought if I began to keep tally I could at least bring some sort of semblance of control over it. But I can't, and all I do is add extra stress and turmoil on all sides of the equation, and it needs to completely stop.
I also realized that this entire thing, as much as I may be doing it for whatever entity we wish to refer to as "myself" (the author of this post) I'm also doing it just as much for everyone in my life. I'm doing it to show them that they're not wrong to stand by me. And that this shit is never going to happen again. And that it may take a few extra blows, but I will eventually learn my lessons. And that eventually is now. And it's hard to get people to understand or truly believe it, and it's fine and I don't blame them to be honest. I can't do a thing about it. All I can do is keep on going and be genuine to the path I've chosen to follow, and hopefully, eventually, people will begin to believe me. I'm far from a saint, so I can't expect anything out of others that I wouldn't expect out of me. And I know that in everyone else's eyes it's "only been a week" and what not. And I recognize that it's a fairly trivial amount of time under most circumstances. It just seems like a lot longer when you're forcing yourself to be sober and face your demons on a daily basis that you had been pretending don't exist for years.
But yeah. I do these things, not because I genuinely believe I deserve better? But I'm doing it because I believe the people in my life deserve better, and not one of them deserves to be hurt because of my mistakes and inadequacies.
Anyways, after AA I had the anime club game night thing, which was alright enough, but during it I noticed Ash was out of it and not ok throughout, and after the fact I tried talking ot her only to find out that I had been inadvertently hurting her by letting her think think that she could be a replacement for someone else, and that she could be replaced, and that I had made her feel like a tool and invisible. And while I realize that the very idea of Ashley being anything less than this amazing person in my life is foolish to me, I recognize that everyone else around me is insecure and is plagued by these things which I admittedly am oblivious to. And in this case, it's because I got so busy and so over taken with other things that she seemed to be taking a back seat. And I Never ever ever meant to hurt her or for that to be the case. But I know that I tend to get carried away, and often times it'll happen with me (I know it happened with Scott my freshman year) where it can seem that I just don't pay much attention to one of my close friends. And if this is ever you: It's not on purpose, and I'm not trying to be any less of a friend to you nor am I even trying to pull away. I'm just getting carried away by my surroundings and being busy and stupid. Please never hesitate to hit me up if you think I'm in any way ignoring or using you. That is never ever the case.
And that took a lot more out of me than I had imagined it could. Because it's one thing if something I consciously did hurt someone, it's another altogether for something that wasn't even remotely on purpose to have hurt someone so close to me. And I know how frustrating that situation can be for both sides and I just, I just can't. Please, if anyone ever thinks that I'm not taking their feelings into consideration about anything I'm doing, don't hesitate to say something. I am not a mind reader.
I feel like if I keep going to AA, I'll be able to very decently keep on tackling my demons. It really is a huge source of support for reasons I really can't quite begin to grasp. But it's helping. And it helped me feel a lot better today, and I keep on going over what we talked about these last two meetings and analyzing them to help myself grow as a person. I'm also holding unto my white chip and every so often grip with until my knuckles go white whenever I find myself really badly wanting to drink away my problems. Which has happened more often than I'd have liked to believe it really would.
[8/8 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[7/8 Days Going to the Gym]
[8/8 Days Running Taking My Meds]
Anyways. Taking it from the top. I got hit with a two way smack right off the bat. One of them, was simply me taking things out of context and letting my mind run with it and I was just being a derp. Thankfully, that one issue was just entirely in my head so. The other one, not so much. And what was it? So. Apparently the story is getting crazy out of hand. Today a few people came up to me and told me that I was scum for "beating the shit" out of a girl, and a couple people I actually thought of as friends are now refusing to talk to me because they're believing all the bullshit that's apparently floating around? I don't exactly know who it is, or how the story is getting around, but the story apparently includes the idea that I gave Raven a black eye, among other things. None of which actually happened. But, that's the story and nobody's even willing to listen to me and things are growing and it's just not ok. It's not okay for more reasons than I care to count, and it's making me want to just turn tail and run far far away because I don't even. I really can't deal with that on top of everything else. This was concurring with the other issue that I would later find out was entirely my head, but at the time it was working in tandem to drive me down fast.
Thankfully, today was AA. And, it was a good meeting. It was a really good meeting. It. It helped a lot. One thing we talked about, and forced me to come to face is that doing things for others is a good in and of itself. But every time I do so, my mind has, especially recently, started taking tallies and thinking of them as "oh, I did [x] for you, I need you to do [y] for me now." and that's not how that shit works. It's not how it'll ever work. And I need to cut that shit out. I've just gone too many times doing things for people just freely and off actual good will, only to have them throw back in my face later, so somewhere down the line I thought if I began to keep tally I could at least bring some sort of semblance of control over it. But I can't, and all I do is add extra stress and turmoil on all sides of the equation, and it needs to completely stop.
I also realized that this entire thing, as much as I may be doing it for whatever entity we wish to refer to as "myself" (the author of this post) I'm also doing it just as much for everyone in my life. I'm doing it to show them that they're not wrong to stand by me. And that this shit is never going to happen again. And that it may take a few extra blows, but I will eventually learn my lessons. And that eventually is now. And it's hard to get people to understand or truly believe it, and it's fine and I don't blame them to be honest. I can't do a thing about it. All I can do is keep on going and be genuine to the path I've chosen to follow, and hopefully, eventually, people will begin to believe me. I'm far from a saint, so I can't expect anything out of others that I wouldn't expect out of me. And I know that in everyone else's eyes it's "only been a week" and what not. And I recognize that it's a fairly trivial amount of time under most circumstances. It just seems like a lot longer when you're forcing yourself to be sober and face your demons on a daily basis that you had been pretending don't exist for years.
But yeah. I do these things, not because I genuinely believe I deserve better? But I'm doing it because I believe the people in my life deserve better, and not one of them deserves to be hurt because of my mistakes and inadequacies.
Anyways, after AA I had the anime club game night thing, which was alright enough, but during it I noticed Ash was out of it and not ok throughout, and after the fact I tried talking ot her only to find out that I had been inadvertently hurting her by letting her think think that she could be a replacement for someone else, and that she could be replaced, and that I had made her feel like a tool and invisible. And while I realize that the very idea of Ashley being anything less than this amazing person in my life is foolish to me, I recognize that everyone else around me is insecure and is plagued by these things which I admittedly am oblivious to. And in this case, it's because I got so busy and so over taken with other things that she seemed to be taking a back seat. And I Never ever ever meant to hurt her or for that to be the case. But I know that I tend to get carried away, and often times it'll happen with me (I know it happened with Scott my freshman year) where it can seem that I just don't pay much attention to one of my close friends. And if this is ever you: It's not on purpose, and I'm not trying to be any less of a friend to you nor am I even trying to pull away. I'm just getting carried away by my surroundings and being busy and stupid. Please never hesitate to hit me up if you think I'm in any way ignoring or using you. That is never ever the case.
And that took a lot more out of me than I had imagined it could. Because it's one thing if something I consciously did hurt someone, it's another altogether for something that wasn't even remotely on purpose to have hurt someone so close to me. And I know how frustrating that situation can be for both sides and I just, I just can't. Please, if anyone ever thinks that I'm not taking their feelings into consideration about anything I'm doing, don't hesitate to say something. I am not a mind reader.
I feel like if I keep going to AA, I'll be able to very decently keep on tackling my demons. It really is a huge source of support for reasons I really can't quite begin to grasp. But it's helping. And it helped me feel a lot better today, and I keep on going over what we talked about these last two meetings and analyzing them to help myself grow as a person. I'm also holding unto my white chip and every so often grip with until my knuckles go white whenever I find myself really badly wanting to drink away my problems. Which has happened more often than I'd have liked to believe it really would.
[8/8 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[7/8 Days Going to the Gym]
[8/8 Days Running Taking My Meds]
Friday, September 27, 2013
[9/26] Entry Eight: Jaded
Sorry about the late one tonight: Went to go play at a magic draft for the first time in months and it started at midnight so, we didn't get back till about 5 am.
Anyways, there was a slight weight lifted off my shoulders today. And not really? I don't know how to put it, and it's hard being honest about it because I feel like even to myself, I have to try to save face. So I've even put it otherwise to myself, but blah. Ok. I'm done beating around the bush: I've been recently ... flirting, with two chicks, to see my options and whatnot. And the one that I was going to decide to be the one I actually was going to try to get close to, told me today that she's "Not interested in a relationship right now." That was her text to me after I had tried talking to her about it. Everything else being, well, fun stuffz. But anyways, idk how I feel about that. I mean on the one hand I got turned down. But on the other hand, it might have saved me from myself? Because, not only are women my kryptonite, I was beginning to play around with the idea of actually dating her in my head? And, I'm perfectly aware that I'm not in a position, no matter how you look at it, to get into a relationship? And yet I was considering it? Definitely not a bright idea. Idk. But I also feel like I had a weight lifted because I don't have to prove myself to her anymore.
Also. her super religious, super straight-laced cut friend is afraid that I'm going to be a bad influence on her, and I quote, "because of temptations like Cards Against Humanity." Not shitting here, that happened today. I laughed my ass off at that. So very hard. I didn't even try to hide how silly I thought she was for honestly believing that. Was it mean? Probably? But, whatever, idgaf.
((Pandora One is Golden))
It's also one of the traps that I've mentioned before that I was afraid for falling for: The whole women and emotions and relationshits thing. So, thankfully this one was avoided for me. And again on the one hand I'm glad but on the other I'm dejected. But I mean whatever, life goes on.
Hey look! I've officially been sober for a week As of today. YAYAY. Fuck Yes. Sorry but that's an accomplishment. That hasn't happened in about three months so, whatever, I'm going to pat me on the back. I got AA tomorrow/later tonight and I'm hoping to be able to hit 90, but, remember, a day at a time.
Also I'm getting really close to figure out what my first tattoo will be. I know where I want it, I know I want it to be a bird of some kind, probably a white one, and it's going to be encircled in text, half of the text is going to be the AA motto, "One day at a time" and the other half is going to be something like "Remember the Fallen" or "Don't forget the lost" or something. They will be clearly seperated. If two/three people ask me why, I'll explain every part of it. Or maybe I'll explain it later, but right now I'm exhausted and going to bed.
Also, for everyone reading this: I love you.
[7/7 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[6/7 Days Going to the Gym]
[7/7 Days Running Taking My Meds]
Anyways, there was a slight weight lifted off my shoulders today. And not really? I don't know how to put it, and it's hard being honest about it because I feel like even to myself, I have to try to save face. So I've even put it otherwise to myself, but blah. Ok. I'm done beating around the bush: I've been recently ... flirting, with two chicks, to see my options and whatnot. And the one that I was going to decide to be the one I actually was going to try to get close to, told me today that she's "Not interested in a relationship right now." That was her text to me after I had tried talking to her about it. Everything else being, well, fun stuffz. But anyways, idk how I feel about that. I mean on the one hand I got turned down. But on the other hand, it might have saved me from myself? Because, not only are women my kryptonite, I was beginning to play around with the idea of actually dating her in my head? And, I'm perfectly aware that I'm not in a position, no matter how you look at it, to get into a relationship? And yet I was considering it? Definitely not a bright idea. Idk. But I also feel like I had a weight lifted because I don't have to prove myself to her anymore.
Also. her super religious, super straight-laced cut friend is afraid that I'm going to be a bad influence on her, and I quote, "because of temptations like Cards Against Humanity." Not shitting here, that happened today. I laughed my ass off at that. So very hard. I didn't even try to hide how silly I thought she was for honestly believing that. Was it mean? Probably? But, whatever, idgaf.
((Pandora One is Golden))
It's also one of the traps that I've mentioned before that I was afraid for falling for: The whole women and emotions and relationshits thing. So, thankfully this one was avoided for me. And again on the one hand I'm glad but on the other I'm dejected. But I mean whatever, life goes on.
Hey look! I've officially been sober for a week As of today. YAYAY. Fuck Yes. Sorry but that's an accomplishment. That hasn't happened in about three months so, whatever, I'm going to pat me on the back. I got AA tomorrow/later tonight and I'm hoping to be able to hit 90, but, remember, a day at a time.
Also I'm getting really close to figure out what my first tattoo will be. I know where I want it, I know I want it to be a bird of some kind, probably a white one, and it's going to be encircled in text, half of the text is going to be the AA motto, "One day at a time" and the other half is going to be something like "Remember the Fallen" or "Don't forget the lost" or something. They will be clearly seperated. If two/three people ask me why, I'll explain every part of it. Or maybe I'll explain it later, but right now I'm exhausted and going to bed.
Also, for everyone reading this: I love you.
[7/7 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[6/7 Days Going to the Gym]
[7/7 Days Running Taking My Meds]
Thursday, September 26, 2013
[9/25] Entry Seven: Rooftops
((Technically writing this the morning after because I got back to my room last night and passed the fuck out after a shower))
So after doing a quick read through of all my other entries, I realized there's a lot of "shit sucks" and not a whole bunch of talking about what I'm doing about it. So, at least for a bit, I'm going to take a brief inventory of shit that I am in fact, doing differently or doing right or just things I'm doing in an attempt at something.
First off, there are certain people that I'm not even trying to pretend like I'm ok to, people that I'm going to when shit gets rough so they can at least slap me (or give me a hug, as has been the case) back in line. It's a weakness to need help, as far as I see, but right now I know that if left to my own devices, these problems will just exacerbate. Because I know that these are the people I'm likely to hurt if I stray off the path, they also at least deserve to know if there's a chance I'll go wrong again. Hopefully I won't, I'm trying my hardest not to.
Let's see, what else. Oh! The Gym, which, I actually managed to make to today (Wednesday). If I go to the gym regularly, it also keeps me from going crazy, going to the gym is also a decent way of dealing with my shit instead of other, more harmful ways. It's a little thing, but if I can stick to it it'll also help me in other areas that'll help with my mental well being so all-in-all it's just something that's good for me to do in general. Also, y'know, working out releases neurotransmitters that make you feel better and all that jazz.
I'm also juggling my time and who I spend it with. If I give any one person in my life too much importance, I know that things are just going to get out of hand, as they always have. And while it's hard, because there are a couple people that I would love to spend all my time with because I just genuinely love being around t hem, I can't do that and I know I can't. At least not until I've got my shit straight.
Oh, I'm at least getting closer to a normal sleep schedule which, in theory, should help at least a bit.
I'm also doing a better job of identifying shit that could make me go down the deep end and avoiding it. For now it's merely just running away from it, but for now thats all I need to do. Once I stop trying to reach for the flask in my pocket (which isn't there anymore) as a response to situations, I'll stop running away. But a step at a time.
I'm also going to AA. Which, is actually a fairly huge deal.
I'm actually taking my meds every day as well. Which, is something small, but nonetheless something that I've never been good about taking them every single day. And when you're on them, even one day without (as we've seen) can be pretty damn painful because of detox bullshit.
I'm also forcing myself to do new things that are outside my comfort zone, for the sake of exposing myself to just new shit in general, Maybe some of it will help?
Ashley mentioned tonight that I should consider getting a plant. And the more I think about it the more I realize she was right about saying it's a good idea, and I probably will at some point soon. Just something that I have to take care of and depends on me (a pet might be better BUT LOLOL CAMPUS? Though. I might possibly get a fish? Maybe?) But that's something else that might be on the list soon.
And mostly I'm just trying harder to be honest with myself. There's a lot of s hit that I just deny outright or things that I pretend don't bother me and whatnot for the sake of an image that I try to create that just isn't true, so, I need to be honest with at least myself. Because I always end up believing my facades, which never ends well.
Also, actually listening to other people. That's, kind of a big one.
[6/6 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[5/6 Days Going to the Gym]
[6/6 Days Running Taking My Meds]
So after doing a quick read through of all my other entries, I realized there's a lot of "shit sucks" and not a whole bunch of talking about what I'm doing about it. So, at least for a bit, I'm going to take a brief inventory of shit that I am in fact, doing differently or doing right or just things I'm doing in an attempt at something.
First off, there are certain people that I'm not even trying to pretend like I'm ok to, people that I'm going to when shit gets rough so they can at least slap me (or give me a hug, as has been the case) back in line. It's a weakness to need help, as far as I see, but right now I know that if left to my own devices, these problems will just exacerbate. Because I know that these are the people I'm likely to hurt if I stray off the path, they also at least deserve to know if there's a chance I'll go wrong again. Hopefully I won't, I'm trying my hardest not to.
Let's see, what else. Oh! The Gym, which, I actually managed to make to today (Wednesday). If I go to the gym regularly, it also keeps me from going crazy, going to the gym is also a decent way of dealing with my shit instead of other, more harmful ways. It's a little thing, but if I can stick to it it'll also help me in other areas that'll help with my mental well being so all-in-all it's just something that's good for me to do in general. Also, y'know, working out releases neurotransmitters that make you feel better and all that jazz.
I'm also juggling my time and who I spend it with. If I give any one person in my life too much importance, I know that things are just going to get out of hand, as they always have. And while it's hard, because there are a couple people that I would love to spend all my time with because I just genuinely love being around t hem, I can't do that and I know I can't. At least not until I've got my shit straight.
Oh, I'm at least getting closer to a normal sleep schedule which, in theory, should help at least a bit.
I'm also doing a better job of identifying shit that could make me go down the deep end and avoiding it. For now it's merely just running away from it, but for now thats all I need to do. Once I stop trying to reach for the flask in my pocket (which isn't there anymore) as a response to situations, I'll stop running away. But a step at a time.
I'm also going to AA. Which, is actually a fairly huge deal.
I'm actually taking my meds every day as well. Which, is something small, but nonetheless something that I've never been good about taking them every single day. And when you're on them, even one day without (as we've seen) can be pretty damn painful because of detox bullshit.
I'm also forcing myself to do new things that are outside my comfort zone, for the sake of exposing myself to just new shit in general, Maybe some of it will help?
Ashley mentioned tonight that I should consider getting a plant. And the more I think about it the more I realize she was right about saying it's a good idea, and I probably will at some point soon. Just something that I have to take care of and depends on me (a pet might be better BUT LOLOL CAMPUS? Though. I might possibly get a fish? Maybe?) But that's something else that might be on the list soon.
And mostly I'm just trying harder to be honest with myself. There's a lot of s hit that I just deny outright or things that I pretend don't bother me and whatnot for the sake of an image that I try to create that just isn't true, so, I need to be honest with at least myself. Because I always end up believing my facades, which never ends well.
Also, actually listening to other people. That's, kind of a big one.
[6/6 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[5/6 Days Going to the Gym]
[6/6 Days Running Taking My Meds]
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
[9/24] Entry Six: Empty Chairs, At Empty Tables
So. Tonight's entry might be brief, but it's something I feel like I need to talk about.
I'm constantly being destroyed by reminders. There are reminds of what I did, physical, lasting reminds, everywhere. There are reminders of her everywhere I look, everywhere I think, and reminders of how badly I've fucked up in the past every where I turn. As much as I try to tune them out, I fail, and every passing day it gets worse. And there's nothing anyone can really do about it, it just hurts and it's my fault and it's hard. And I don't just mean vague reminders "Oh this happened here" I mean "Oh. This belongs to her or that belongs to [x] or she/[x] gave me that." And it just doesn't get any easier, by any stretch of the imagination.
And it hurts, to see these very obvious and painful reminds everywhere. In the past I've always gone through massive cullings of things that would remind me of people I, at the time, would have rathered not be reminded of. It resulted in me losing many things dear to me, many precious memories I wish I hadn't. And it's all ultimately my fault, and I know that it's not the right path. But then what is?
Because i don't think I can keep on looking at these things and getting the sudden urge to bawl, getting the urge to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness, or getting the urge to run away and just curl up in my bed and block out the world. Because it's exhausting to deal with it, and it's exponentially more difficult to deal with each time it happens. And I'm not strong enough because I don't think I can say that they won't happen again, I'm not strong enough to say that I've even begun to set off the karmic balance. Because it was all my fault, and I know it was, and I accept that. I just wish there was a way of doing so that didn't make me want to bawl my fucking eyes out. I have wide gaping holes in my heart from those I've pushed away, and... And I just am not sure it'll be easy to see pieces of it everywhere and it not hurt like hell.
And that's something that I think a lot of people, myself included, can't understand: Dealing with this shit is exhausting. It's physically and mentally exhausting. It drains you of your energy so fast when you have to make conscious efforts every other minute of every hour of every day to not cry, to hold it in, to deal with it and move on. And I just. Don't have the ability to do it for much longer. I'm only being held together at this point by my friends' support. And that's it. I'm trying my hardest to put myself together and find some way to hold it together after the fact, but the easy solutions are all that keep coming to mind so I just turn back to this, one of the ways I know that'll get me a decent solution that'll last for a decent amount of time.
I'm just not sure I have the time to build myself back the right way up.
[5/5 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[4/5 Days Going to the Gym]
[5/5 Days Running Taking My Meds]
I'm constantly being destroyed by reminders. There are reminds of what I did, physical, lasting reminds, everywhere. There are reminders of her everywhere I look, everywhere I think, and reminders of how badly I've fucked up in the past every where I turn. As much as I try to tune them out, I fail, and every passing day it gets worse. And there's nothing anyone can really do about it, it just hurts and it's my fault and it's hard. And I don't just mean vague reminders "Oh this happened here" I mean "Oh. This belongs to her or that belongs to [x] or she/[x] gave me that." And it just doesn't get any easier, by any stretch of the imagination.
And it hurts, to see these very obvious and painful reminds everywhere. In the past I've always gone through massive cullings of things that would remind me of people I, at the time, would have rathered not be reminded of. It resulted in me losing many things dear to me, many precious memories I wish I hadn't. And it's all ultimately my fault, and I know that it's not the right path. But then what is?
Because i don't think I can keep on looking at these things and getting the sudden urge to bawl, getting the urge to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness, or getting the urge to run away and just curl up in my bed and block out the world. Because it's exhausting to deal with it, and it's exponentially more difficult to deal with each time it happens. And I'm not strong enough because I don't think I can say that they won't happen again, I'm not strong enough to say that I've even begun to set off the karmic balance. Because it was all my fault, and I know it was, and I accept that. I just wish there was a way of doing so that didn't make me want to bawl my fucking eyes out. I have wide gaping holes in my heart from those I've pushed away, and... And I just am not sure it'll be easy to see pieces of it everywhere and it not hurt like hell.
And that's something that I think a lot of people, myself included, can't understand: Dealing with this shit is exhausting. It's physically and mentally exhausting. It drains you of your energy so fast when you have to make conscious efforts every other minute of every hour of every day to not cry, to hold it in, to deal with it and move on. And I just. Don't have the ability to do it for much longer. I'm only being held together at this point by my friends' support. And that's it. I'm trying my hardest to put myself together and find some way to hold it together after the fact, but the easy solutions are all that keep coming to mind so I just turn back to this, one of the ways I know that'll get me a decent solution that'll last for a decent amount of time.
I'm just not sure I have the time to build myself back the right way up.
[5/5 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[4/5 Days Going to the Gym]
[5/5 Days Running Taking My Meds]
Monday, September 23, 2013
[9/23] Entry Five: The Demons Within
Roar.
So, first off, I didn't get to go to the gym today. But then again going to the gym on Mondays/Wednesdays is little more than a pipe dream so I mean, it's whatever. If I go 5/7 days a week it's fine right? At any rate I've already lost about 8 pounds this semester and still losing so yay me? I guess? Idk. So yeah, just as a heads up when the counter at the end of this post doesn't go up for all fields.
Met with Mrs. Law today. It was interesting, and should be helpful as the semester carries on. I'm glad that Ashley decided that I should talk to her, and whatnot. The more help the better. And, it helped to remind me, ever so slightly, how blessed I am for the friends that I have had by me all these years.
The passing days are hard for me. My mistakes and my emotions just keep coming back, thundering down on me as they threaten to break down the door. I'm not sure that they haven't already, because I'm not sure how I pushed them back after last week. But I've at least found a corner and am trying to hide here. Until I'm strong enough to come out and start dealing with the monsters in my head. But it's not easy. I can still hear them, feel them, see them. A moment's silence in reality is followed by a resurgence of the drums on the inside, constantly reminding me of what I'm hiding from.
I don't even know what it is that I am hiding from, I don't know how to deal with it either. I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is I'm dealing with before I even begin to pretend to be capable of shutting it down. But that's the hard part, when I'm trying to do it right. Because what ARE the monsters in the dark?
Part of my conversation with Mrs. Law earlier was about my Family, and she kept on asking questions and kept on trying to push and prod and I just... Couldn't. There's a lot there that's hard for me to face, for me to admit. Because I've spent so long telling myself that it doesn't matter, that I can ignore it, and that it doesn't affect me in any way that having to turn around now to face what exactly it was I'm avoiding? Doesn't exactly seem ... nice. My family is a sore subject with me. Always has been. There's a lot there. From the fact my mom hates me and blames me for her family disowning her, to the fact I'll never feel like I'm good enough for my dad. And a whole hell of a lot more in between.
I'm also just generally emotionally unstable. When I was younger, it was anger issues, that despite recent outbursts, in comparison to how bad it was when I was a young teenager, it's definitely gotten better. And now that I have depression to deal with, it just means I go back and forth along that spectrum a lot easier than I'd like. And it's a problem. And I just. I just.
I really am lost. I need to fix myself, I need to get better, and I'm trying. I'm just confused on how best to accomplish it.
On another note, I don't know why while I'm freely willing to admit I'm wrong, and never fault anyone for thinking the worst of me, why it's still so hard to accept help. To admit that I can't recover by myself. Up until this point I've done most of my picking myself back up by myself, some help yes, but usually I fought to be allowed to do it by myself, or did it far away from others so nobody could see. Never have I been willing to admit that I need help getting back up the entire way. And this time, I know I do. This time it's taking all my strength just to ask for and accept help. Ugh.
Yes, yes, I'm whining a lot. It's fine. I'm allowed to whine to myself, I'm also allowed to stop pretending like I'm ok. Because I'm not, so if only in front of this screen, I'll stop acting like I'm ok and like it's all ok. It's not, and I'm not.
[4/4 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[4/4 Days Running Taking My Meds]
[3/4 Days Going To The Gym]
So, first off, I didn't get to go to the gym today. But then again going to the gym on Mondays/Wednesdays is little more than a pipe dream so I mean, it's whatever. If I go 5/7 days a week it's fine right? At any rate I've already lost about 8 pounds this semester and still losing so yay me? I guess? Idk. So yeah, just as a heads up when the counter at the end of this post doesn't go up for all fields.
Met with Mrs. Law today. It was interesting, and should be helpful as the semester carries on. I'm glad that Ashley decided that I should talk to her, and whatnot. The more help the better. And, it helped to remind me, ever so slightly, how blessed I am for the friends that I have had by me all these years.
The passing days are hard for me. My mistakes and my emotions just keep coming back, thundering down on me as they threaten to break down the door. I'm not sure that they haven't already, because I'm not sure how I pushed them back after last week. But I've at least found a corner and am trying to hide here. Until I'm strong enough to come out and start dealing with the monsters in my head. But it's not easy. I can still hear them, feel them, see them. A moment's silence in reality is followed by a resurgence of the drums on the inside, constantly reminding me of what I'm hiding from.
I don't even know what it is that I am hiding from, I don't know how to deal with it either. I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is I'm dealing with before I even begin to pretend to be capable of shutting it down. But that's the hard part, when I'm trying to do it right. Because what ARE the monsters in the dark?
Part of my conversation with Mrs. Law earlier was about my Family, and she kept on asking questions and kept on trying to push and prod and I just... Couldn't. There's a lot there that's hard for me to face, for me to admit. Because I've spent so long telling myself that it doesn't matter, that I can ignore it, and that it doesn't affect me in any way that having to turn around now to face what exactly it was I'm avoiding? Doesn't exactly seem ... nice. My family is a sore subject with me. Always has been. There's a lot there. From the fact my mom hates me and blames me for her family disowning her, to the fact I'll never feel like I'm good enough for my dad. And a whole hell of a lot more in between.
I'm also just generally emotionally unstable. When I was younger, it was anger issues, that despite recent outbursts, in comparison to how bad it was when I was a young teenager, it's definitely gotten better. And now that I have depression to deal with, it just means I go back and forth along that spectrum a lot easier than I'd like. And it's a problem. And I just. I just.
I really am lost. I need to fix myself, I need to get better, and I'm trying. I'm just confused on how best to accomplish it.
On another note, I don't know why while I'm freely willing to admit I'm wrong, and never fault anyone for thinking the worst of me, why it's still so hard to accept help. To admit that I can't recover by myself. Up until this point I've done most of my picking myself back up by myself, some help yes, but usually I fought to be allowed to do it by myself, or did it far away from others so nobody could see. Never have I been willing to admit that I need help getting back up the entire way. And this time, I know I do. This time it's taking all my strength just to ask for and accept help. Ugh.
Yes, yes, I'm whining a lot. It's fine. I'm allowed to whine to myself, I'm also allowed to stop pretending like I'm ok. Because I'm not, so if only in front of this screen, I'll stop acting like I'm ok and like it's all ok. It's not, and I'm not.
[4/4 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[4/4 Days Running Taking My Meds]
[3/4 Days Going To The Gym]
Sunday, September 22, 2013
[9/22] Entry Four: As his Black Heart dies
"Don't give me that! I know what being drunk does! I've been drunk enough times, it just removes filters!"
Yup. That's true, and that line has been bothering me, a lot, and here's why:
First off, let me say something: My emotions are about 150% stronger than an average person's on just day to day things. When I get excited, I get REALLY excited. When I get angry/sad, I get REALLY fucking depressed/pissed. Etc etc. Of course, not all the time, I've clearly need to have experienced what a little angry/sad is in order to hold the opposite in proper regard. Generally, I've learned to control most of it over the years. Because little things have always triggered me all over the place, and it used to be really bad, and I still hold it as a personal trophy that I am as controlled (When sober) as I am. Generally when I disappear for a walk, or just go off the radar, it's because I'm going off the charts and need some time off.
Now, I don't always control them, even when sober. Stress, exhaustion, etc can cause me to be less mindful of my retardo emotions, and shit'll happen. Even then, I still manage to filter into it ways that my mind can somehow, somewhat rationalize, but I've clearly found out that it doesn't work regardless. But still. Point is, little things that people generally are able to shrug off, hit me like a bulldozer. And even if I don't show it when it happens, every night it'll haunt me till the sandman takes me for whatever two or so hours he deems I deserve that night.
Quick intermission to also explain something I've discovered: After the first time I hit true, pitch black please-kill-me-now depression, it's become increasingly easier to fall down that rabbit hole every time since. There's actually a medical reason for this? Involving neural pathways being formed, and the body producing less neuro transmitters and then accepting those new lower levels as the norm, thus causing a permanently lower level of said neurotransmitter, and making it easier for the mind/body to be like "HEY. [X] IS HAPPENING AGAIN. ITS TIME FOR [Y]" - This is what's supposed to be fixed with meds, well, one of the things that continuous usage of meds is supposed to do, but considering I've only ever been able to stay on them for three months, hasn't really happened. So. I know that this sounds like whining, but I'm writing this for myself, and I have to acknowledge the following: Fighting that ever constant battle with depression is hard. It's really, really, really hard. It's really hard to talk to people about it as well because how am I supposed to tell them that "That one thing you did that you weren't even paying attention to" caused me to go hide in my room for an hour and made me feel like absolute shit? Because increased emotions + a well lubed path down the rabbit hole = FUCK ME. It really, really is hard
So what happens when I get drunk? KABOOM. Emotions go all over the place. Which is, to be quite frankly, sometimes the entire reason I get drunk. Because it gets too much to handle sometimes. Whether it be the anger, or sadness, or whatever. And other methods have, over years, gotten to be highly ineffective. Video game violence and what not doesn't serve, because I know it's just fictional and doesn't actually require I exert any amount of energy and cause my amygdala to activate, thus, not effective. Books can make me cry, but that's about it. And other methods have proved increasingly inefficient. In fact, true story: When really out of it, I can't play video games. Because then it doesn't matter how focus-intensive the game is supposed to be, auto pilot just takes over. All games are monotonous to some extent, even if they're energy intensive, I always figure out a way to break them and be able to drop my attention to it, and then my mind goes off back to whatever it was messing with my emotions, and it just makes everything else.
So I can't handle shit, and I get drunk. What happens then? Full blown explosions. Everything comes out. Everything I hide over the days and weeks and months and years comes out, every time I get drunk it decides that it's time to come out and play! So it all exacerbates, because getting a little angry makes me get more angry, which just in turn causes a cycle.
So yes, it just makes it easier for shit to happen but it's not things that I would ever let happen on a normal basis. I don't get that out of control when sober because I've learned how to handle myself, and I can honestly say that I haven't gone off the handle (in terms of anger) when sober since middle school. Depression flights go back to freshman year, but I've generally contained those when sober.
And this last incident? I'll be honest. I don't have the slightest clue where it came from, not in the least. I just... But the fact it did come out, regardless of anything else? Means I need to stop, and fix myself, and ensure that it never, ever happens again. Which, the easiest way is to get rid of what causes it to go on a rampage. But that's the start. The rest of it is accepting my own demons, and etc etc. I just... It's a hard fight sometimes. Because FML.
[3/3 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[3/3 Days Running Going to the Gym]
[3/3 Days Running Taking My Meds]
Yup. That's true, and that line has been bothering me, a lot, and here's why:
First off, let me say something: My emotions are about 150% stronger than an average person's on just day to day things. When I get excited, I get REALLY excited. When I get angry/sad, I get REALLY fucking depressed/pissed. Etc etc. Of course, not all the time, I've clearly need to have experienced what a little angry/sad is in order to hold the opposite in proper regard. Generally, I've learned to control most of it over the years. Because little things have always triggered me all over the place, and it used to be really bad, and I still hold it as a personal trophy that I am as controlled (When sober) as I am. Generally when I disappear for a walk, or just go off the radar, it's because I'm going off the charts and need some time off.
Now, I don't always control them, even when sober. Stress, exhaustion, etc can cause me to be less mindful of my retardo emotions, and shit'll happen. Even then, I still manage to filter into it ways that my mind can somehow, somewhat rationalize, but I've clearly found out that it doesn't work regardless. But still. Point is, little things that people generally are able to shrug off, hit me like a bulldozer. And even if I don't show it when it happens, every night it'll haunt me till the sandman takes me for whatever two or so hours he deems I deserve that night.
Quick intermission to also explain something I've discovered: After the first time I hit true, pitch black please-kill-me-now depression, it's become increasingly easier to fall down that rabbit hole every time since. There's actually a medical reason for this? Involving neural pathways being formed, and the body producing less neuro transmitters and then accepting those new lower levels as the norm, thus causing a permanently lower level of said neurotransmitter, and making it easier for the mind/body to be like "HEY. [X] IS HAPPENING AGAIN. ITS TIME FOR [Y]" - This is what's supposed to be fixed with meds, well, one of the things that continuous usage of meds is supposed to do, but considering I've only ever been able to stay on them for three months, hasn't really happened. So. I know that this sounds like whining, but I'm writing this for myself, and I have to acknowledge the following: Fighting that ever constant battle with depression is hard. It's really, really, really hard. It's really hard to talk to people about it as well because how am I supposed to tell them that "That one thing you did that you weren't even paying attention to" caused me to go hide in my room for an hour and made me feel like absolute shit? Because increased emotions + a well lubed path down the rabbit hole = FUCK ME. It really, really is hard
So what happens when I get drunk? KABOOM. Emotions go all over the place. Which is, to be quite frankly, sometimes the entire reason I get drunk. Because it gets too much to handle sometimes. Whether it be the anger, or sadness, or whatever. And other methods have, over years, gotten to be highly ineffective. Video game violence and what not doesn't serve, because I know it's just fictional and doesn't actually require I exert any amount of energy and cause my amygdala to activate, thus, not effective. Books can make me cry, but that's about it. And other methods have proved increasingly inefficient. In fact, true story: When really out of it, I can't play video games. Because then it doesn't matter how focus-intensive the game is supposed to be, auto pilot just takes over. All games are monotonous to some extent, even if they're energy intensive, I always figure out a way to break them and be able to drop my attention to it, and then my mind goes off back to whatever it was messing with my emotions, and it just makes everything else.
So I can't handle shit, and I get drunk. What happens then? Full blown explosions. Everything comes out. Everything I hide over the days and weeks and months and years comes out, every time I get drunk it decides that it's time to come out and play! So it all exacerbates, because getting a little angry makes me get more angry, which just in turn causes a cycle.
So yes, it just makes it easier for shit to happen but it's not things that I would ever let happen on a normal basis. I don't get that out of control when sober because I've learned how to handle myself, and I can honestly say that I haven't gone off the handle (in terms of anger) when sober since middle school. Depression flights go back to freshman year, but I've generally contained those when sober.
And this last incident? I'll be honest. I don't have the slightest clue where it came from, not in the least. I just... But the fact it did come out, regardless of anything else? Means I need to stop, and fix myself, and ensure that it never, ever happens again. Which, the easiest way is to get rid of what causes it to go on a rampage. But that's the start. The rest of it is accepting my own demons, and etc etc. I just... It's a hard fight sometimes. Because FML.
[3/3 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[3/3 Days Running Going to the Gym]
[3/3 Days Running Taking My Meds]
Saturday, September 21, 2013
[9/21] Entry Three: Lost, Broken, Confused
So first off: Spoilers! I spent, literally, ALL day up until 6, 7 PM, curled up in my bed alternating between sleeping and crying. Yay me right? What was I crying about? I think the only accurate answer I got... Is... Everything? Yeah, everything sounds about right. Every time I woke up, I would try to force myself to get up, get food, do my laundry, and go to the gym. That's all I was trying to do. THOSE WERE MY GOALS FOR THE DAY! Nothing special. Just. Fucking doing three semi basic things that needed to be done. At around 6/7PM I finally forced myself out of bed and dragged myself out to do the above. So, those are my accomplishments for the day! Yay. Ugh. As much as I may want to berate myself, I'm kind of proud that I managed to do even that much because realistically, doing anything right now, anything at all, requires infinite amounts of willpower because I just want to curl up in a corner and drop dead.
I've dropped one of my classes. I was considering it before all this happened, because next semester its going to be a better professor and a better class that I'll actually benefit from, and this semester it's an AD/PR class when it's not fuckign supposed to be. But now I just don't have the ability to cope with that much stress, I realistically don't. So I dropped it, because I had to. Fuck my life. Here's hoping I can get all my classes next semester. Doubtful but we'll see.
No but seriously, how did I get to this point? How did I fuck up this badly, how have I allowed myself to slip this bad? And why? Who am I? I don't know anymore. I really don't. The only things I know for sure is that I'm exhausted, and that I can't do this, whatever this is, again. I just can't.
Why can't I ever just accept things? Why do I always have to assume the worst and believe that everyone is out to get me? Why do I have to fuck up spectacularly because I believe that. That I'm expendable to myself. Why do I hurt those I love so much, so often, when all I genuinely want to do is make them happy. And yet I feel entitled so some degree of equivalent exchange, and expect it, and it in turn fucks me up more so. And I don't know where it came from. I know its a recent development, but it needs to go away.
If someone gave me a loaded gun right now? I'd do it. With no hesitation. Why? Because I'm a coward, because through no othe rmethod am I capable of crossing that particular finish line. But I'm also a coward because I'm terrified of what comes next, and I'm not sure that anything good can come next because I quite frnakly don't deserve anything better. All my actions are absolute crap, and I should get treated like absolute crap, so I'm terrified because I'm so lost, and tired. And so, so, so very done.
It hurts. It really, really, hurts. And I'm more sorry than I could possibly express with words. Sorry about everything, and to everyone. But I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm just trudging onwards, clinging to everything and anything I can to prove that I'm sorry, to prove that I'm better than that, and to be able to forgive myself, above all else.
[2/2 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[2/2 Days Running Going to the Gym]
[2/2 Days Running Taking My Meds]
I've dropped one of my classes. I was considering it before all this happened, because next semester its going to be a better professor and a better class that I'll actually benefit from, and this semester it's an AD/PR class when it's not fuckign supposed to be. But now I just don't have the ability to cope with that much stress, I realistically don't. So I dropped it, because I had to. Fuck my life. Here's hoping I can get all my classes next semester. Doubtful but we'll see.
No but seriously, how did I get to this point? How did I fuck up this badly, how have I allowed myself to slip this bad? And why? Who am I? I don't know anymore. I really don't. The only things I know for sure is that I'm exhausted, and that I can't do this, whatever this is, again. I just can't.
Why can't I ever just accept things? Why do I always have to assume the worst and believe that everyone is out to get me? Why do I have to fuck up spectacularly because I believe that. That I'm expendable to myself. Why do I hurt those I love so much, so often, when all I genuinely want to do is make them happy. And yet I feel entitled so some degree of equivalent exchange, and expect it, and it in turn fucks me up more so. And I don't know where it came from. I know its a recent development, but it needs to go away.
If someone gave me a loaded gun right now? I'd do it. With no hesitation. Why? Because I'm a coward, because through no othe rmethod am I capable of crossing that particular finish line. But I'm also a coward because I'm terrified of what comes next, and I'm not sure that anything good can come next because I quite frnakly don't deserve anything better. All my actions are absolute crap, and I should get treated like absolute crap, so I'm terrified because I'm so lost, and tired. And so, so, so very done.
It hurts. It really, really, hurts. And I'm more sorry than I could possibly express with words. Sorry about everything, and to everyone. But I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm just trudging onwards, clinging to everything and anything I can to prove that I'm sorry, to prove that I'm better than that, and to be able to forgive myself, above all else.
[2/2 Days Running Without Alcohol/Smoking/Etc]
[2/2 Days Running Going to the Gym]
[2/2 Days Running Taking My Meds]
Friday, September 20, 2013
[9/20] Entry Two: "Hi, my name is Juan and I'm an Alcoholic"
Guess who went to their first AA meeting today? Me. Yup. I went to AA this afternoon, and am at least going to go weekly to this one, not sure about dailies, but I'm going to a different meeting tomorrow at noon. Why am I going to AA? Because I've hit that point. That point where nothing else I know works, nothing else I've tried works, so I'm exhausting every option even remotely available, because it's now or never. And you know what? I'm getting pretty decent feelings from the AA group here on Campus. There's three students, two seniors and a sophomore, and a few older folks as it's a general AA group, it just happens to be situated here on campus. They were all supportive and upon finding out it was my first meeting, they all gave me their contact information and told me not to be afraid to call if anything's going on. Then they told me stories of times when they had to call someone in the group. And idk. Setting aside all the 12step stuff, I feel like just having people who I feel no pressure from, who have had it worse than I and know where I'm at, knowing these people are there and that I can draw from their experience and hopefully learn properly, I should be on the right path. It still pains me to say that I'm going to AA, it's a huge pride issue, but, it's happened. And here's hoping.
I spent all day with a hole in my chest and my stomach acting up. Once again my depression has gotten to the point where I can't eat, and every little thing reminds me not just of my most recent mistakes, but all of them. Absolutely all my mistakes. They're all coming back to haunt me with everything they have. They know as well as I that this is do or die time. And I can't afford to lose to them. I can't replace them with another one this time, I can't pretend they don't exist until it stops bothering me temporarily. I can't shove them in a box and pretend they don't exist. And I can't drink them away. I have to face them all, as far as they go. I've tried before, I got some headway done into it last year. But it was painful and scary and having to face all my mistakes and move on, was hard, because there's just so many of them that I like pretending they don't exist. And having to face them, sucks.
But my demons suck for two reasons: One, the obvious one, is that I know that I eventually explode everything, but at my core I've never wanted to hurt anyone I Cared about, and the fact I did, is just too much for me to bear, and having to face all of them in my head, having to look into their eyes all at the same time? It's heavy, and it makes me curl up in bed. But the second reason? I've created most of my demons. For whatever reason, I always sabotage myself. Whether it's a conscious effect or not, I find that I've always found a way to blow up things that are going well for me. Sometimes I'll just not reply to a job email that I've already accepted and they're just waiting on final confirmation, because I don't deserve nice things. Other times I'll purposefully get drunk or do something that I have a feeling will upset someone, just so I can get what I deserve: Nothing. I couldn't tell you why I do, but it's been brought up before that I sabotage myself often, subconscious and not. And it's a big reason why I have all my problems. So having to face that demon, the demon that I think I don't deserve anything, that causes all my problems, is hardest of it all, because at the end, that's the one that is going to be hardest to tackle.
Why do I sabotage myself? I really don't know. I know that at least one level of it is that I don't deserve it. But on other levels, I really don't know. I figure this is going to be one of those things that I'm going to be thinking a lot about in the days to come, because that's a core problem I face, if only I knew how to deal with it. At least, I had learned to control it a lot while sober, but when drunk it's "Self-Explosions: The Musical." I know part of it stems from my anger issues, which I also thought I had put under control many years ago but it seems very obvious to me that they've come back recently. And they came back with a vengeance. I just know that every time I've done something stupid, before it got to that moment, I Felt a disturbance in the force, and I knew, I just knew that something was going to go wrong, that I shouldn't go to [x] place, that I shouldn't do [y] thing. But I did it anyways, because the negatives weren't clearly visible. I denied my own intuition and deductive reasoning in order to not have to delve deeper into the why, to be able to run, and each time I ran straight off a damn cliff.
My name is Juan, and I'm an alcoholic. This is my FIRST day without drinking.
I spent all day with a hole in my chest and my stomach acting up. Once again my depression has gotten to the point where I can't eat, and every little thing reminds me not just of my most recent mistakes, but all of them. Absolutely all my mistakes. They're all coming back to haunt me with everything they have. They know as well as I that this is do or die time. And I can't afford to lose to them. I can't replace them with another one this time, I can't pretend they don't exist until it stops bothering me temporarily. I can't shove them in a box and pretend they don't exist. And I can't drink them away. I have to face them all, as far as they go. I've tried before, I got some headway done into it last year. But it was painful and scary and having to face all my mistakes and move on, was hard, because there's just so many of them that I like pretending they don't exist. And having to face them, sucks.
But my demons suck for two reasons: One, the obvious one, is that I know that I eventually explode everything, but at my core I've never wanted to hurt anyone I Cared about, and the fact I did, is just too much for me to bear, and having to face all of them in my head, having to look into their eyes all at the same time? It's heavy, and it makes me curl up in bed. But the second reason? I've created most of my demons. For whatever reason, I always sabotage myself. Whether it's a conscious effect or not, I find that I've always found a way to blow up things that are going well for me. Sometimes I'll just not reply to a job email that I've already accepted and they're just waiting on final confirmation, because I don't deserve nice things. Other times I'll purposefully get drunk or do something that I have a feeling will upset someone, just so I can get what I deserve: Nothing. I couldn't tell you why I do, but it's been brought up before that I sabotage myself often, subconscious and not. And it's a big reason why I have all my problems. So having to face that demon, the demon that I think I don't deserve anything, that causes all my problems, is hardest of it all, because at the end, that's the one that is going to be hardest to tackle.
Why do I sabotage myself? I really don't know. I know that at least one level of it is that I don't deserve it. But on other levels, I really don't know. I figure this is going to be one of those things that I'm going to be thinking a lot about in the days to come, because that's a core problem I face, if only I knew how to deal with it. At least, I had learned to control it a lot while sober, but when drunk it's "Self-Explosions: The Musical." I know part of it stems from my anger issues, which I also thought I had put under control many years ago but it seems very obvious to me that they've come back recently. And they came back with a vengeance. I just know that every time I've done something stupid, before it got to that moment, I Felt a disturbance in the force, and I knew, I just knew that something was going to go wrong, that I shouldn't go to [x] place, that I shouldn't do [y] thing. But I did it anyways, because the negatives weren't clearly visible. I denied my own intuition and deductive reasoning in order to not have to delve deeper into the why, to be able to run, and each time I ran straight off a damn cliff.
My name is Juan, and I'm an alcoholic. This is my FIRST day without drinking.
[9/19] Entry One: At the precipice of the End.
So, since this is the first post, I'm going to explain somethings. First off: These writings are all going to be really, really hard for me, as I'm going to push myself to uncover whatever truths I may be hiding, and to come out in the open with things I've kept secret. It's not going to be sugar coated or in any way exaggerated, just the facts. Second off: I'm going to be writing daily, I have to write daily. I HAVE to. And third off: If I link you to this, it means that I'd appreciate if you at least hit the follow button and read the updates, you don't have to say anything about it, I just, I just need to know that there's a chance someone's actually listening. A large part of this is as much for everyone as it is for me, because I feel like there's a lot that's hidden from the world that I believe people should know. I'm also not at a point yet where I can say I'm doing things 100% for myself, I'm getting there, I have to, but I need to build myself up to it, in the mean time I'm not afraid to say that I desire some sort of validation of this endeavor, which would be provided by knowing people have at least tried to read it.
Alright, that aside.
I'm up at bat, it's the bottom of the ninth, two outs, two strikes, three balls, tying run on third and winning run on second. I can't keep on going, I really can't keep on going like I have. Either I end this tirade of retardation on my part, or I stop. Those are my choices now because I'm 100% done, I'm not entirely sure the decision is even in my hands anymore.
What happened? I got drunk. Really drunk. I tried to hide from my mind and my emotions by delving into alcohol, and a lot of it. On some level I knew that it would go really wrong, and I knew that I'd get violent if it did but I ignored it and I continued drinking. The end result is that I physically hurt some people that I care about, and one of which is now refusing to even have me in their life. And I'm not going to lie, I feel like that particular wound is now at critical mass. I still believe that if I can prove I changed next time I contact them, it's not a complete lost cause. Because if it is a lost cause? So am I. I physically can not deal with that wound getting deeper. That is the end of that line.
I also can't deal with me hurting anyone else, ever again. Nor can I be allowed to repeat the mistake, which has been historically fueled by alcohol. Regardless of what fuels it, it's a mistake I can not repeat because I'm already a fairly awful person and have lost a lot, a lot a lot, because of those mistakes. And I'm never going to be able to fix them, which is what I've been trying to do till now. I have to move on, I have to learn and lay them to rest, not to keep and trying to go back and fix them, because then I Just end up bringing them back to the now and making history repeat itself.
It's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. I feel like shit, I threw up everything I ate earlier, and I really just want to fall asleep and never wake up. This is my absolute final straw. I know it's hard for some of you to believe it, but it is. It has to be. Even getting up from this and trying to move on is taking so much effort, so much will power, that if I fall again? I'll be gone before I hit the ground. I'm done. I'm doing everything as different as I can this time though, and I"m not going to try to do it alone like I have before. I have asked, and will be asking for help, because I know that this is something I can not overcome by myself.
I'm honestly considering taking the rest of the semester off because I'm not sure I can deal with school right now. I'm really not sure, but going back home is equally as bad an option so I don't know. I can't handle anything right now, and especially myself.
Also, I'm not allowed to drink alcohol, I'm seriously not allowed to have any alcohol, ever again. If anyone sees me drinking: Stop me.
And to Raven: I'm, so, so so sorry. That particular thing that happened last night, has never actually happened before. I've never gotten that violent and I don't understand where it came from. I'm glad that I didn't actually hit you, but I just, I can't deal with losing you over it. It was one stupid fight. And I was drunk. I know you won't read this because I"m not giving you the link, but, please, please understand that I didn't mean it and it was stupid and omg I'm... I... Yeah.
Alright, that aside.
I'm up at bat, it's the bottom of the ninth, two outs, two strikes, three balls, tying run on third and winning run on second. I can't keep on going, I really can't keep on going like I have. Either I end this tirade of retardation on my part, or I stop. Those are my choices now because I'm 100% done, I'm not entirely sure the decision is even in my hands anymore.
What happened? I got drunk. Really drunk. I tried to hide from my mind and my emotions by delving into alcohol, and a lot of it. On some level I knew that it would go really wrong, and I knew that I'd get violent if it did but I ignored it and I continued drinking. The end result is that I physically hurt some people that I care about, and one of which is now refusing to even have me in their life. And I'm not going to lie, I feel like that particular wound is now at critical mass. I still believe that if I can prove I changed next time I contact them, it's not a complete lost cause. Because if it is a lost cause? So am I. I physically can not deal with that wound getting deeper. That is the end of that line.
I also can't deal with me hurting anyone else, ever again. Nor can I be allowed to repeat the mistake, which has been historically fueled by alcohol. Regardless of what fuels it, it's a mistake I can not repeat because I'm already a fairly awful person and have lost a lot, a lot a lot, because of those mistakes. And I'm never going to be able to fix them, which is what I've been trying to do till now. I have to move on, I have to learn and lay them to rest, not to keep and trying to go back and fix them, because then I Just end up bringing them back to the now and making history repeat itself.
It's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. I feel like shit, I threw up everything I ate earlier, and I really just want to fall asleep and never wake up. This is my absolute final straw. I know it's hard for some of you to believe it, but it is. It has to be. Even getting up from this and trying to move on is taking so much effort, so much will power, that if I fall again? I'll be gone before I hit the ground. I'm done. I'm doing everything as different as I can this time though, and I"m not going to try to do it alone like I have before. I have asked, and will be asking for help, because I know that this is something I can not overcome by myself.
I'm honestly considering taking the rest of the semester off because I'm not sure I can deal with school right now. I'm really not sure, but going back home is equally as bad an option so I don't know. I can't handle anything right now, and especially myself.
Also, I'm not allowed to drink alcohol, I'm seriously not allowed to have any alcohol, ever again. If anyone sees me drinking: Stop me.
And to Raven: I'm, so, so so sorry. That particular thing that happened last night, has never actually happened before. I've never gotten that violent and I don't understand where it came from. I'm glad that I didn't actually hit you, but I just, I can't deal with losing you over it. It was one stupid fight. And I was drunk. I know you won't read this because I"m not giving you the link, but, please, please understand that I didn't mean it and it was stupid and omg I'm... I... Yeah.
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