Where do I start?
I know I SAID I would post more on my feelings and thoughts, but things got hectic fast and I honestly would just come back from work and go to sleep for the first week. And then after that I've honestly done everything in my power to distract myself from this, from self-reflection and thinking about things.
Why? Not because it's hard, but because I don't feel like I deserve it. I still feel like there's so much more I could, and should, be doing, so much more I should be that it's overwhelming. And I can't seperate thinking about myself and my life from thinking about where, who, and what I should be. And it's not like I'm completely sitting on my ass twiddling my thumbs. I'm doing a lot to be and do these things, but it's not enough. I'm incredibly harsh on myself and I can't excuse me doing something because it's "fun" as a worthwhile use of my time.
I should be learning more languages and working on more projects and branching out and working on my gfx design skills and keeping up with life and just ugh. I think one of the things that really bothers me is that there's a lot of friends I wish I could keep in touch with more, but honestly a lot of the times I just get too busy and when I go text them or talk to them I feel like I'd be bothering so I don't. That's how I feel about Ashley, Emma, Scott, and Will who I'd like to talk to more but I'd only ever really do so either super early in the morning or super late at night and I'd feel like a bother. I do make efforts and do keep in touch, but I feel like it's not enough.
Nothing I do is ever enough, protip.
Anyways. As I get ready to break in the new year it's harder fo rme to distract myself from thoughts of where I am right now. I've largely made it. I've made it to a point where I can say "I made it to the ground." - Did I find the perfect place to settle down or the fountain of youth or India? Not particularly. Have I successfully made it across a hellish ocean and landed alive? Yeah. I have.
I just paid my first bills and I'm officially good for next month and there was a sense of accomplishment in there. I did what at different points in my life I thought, and was told, I could never do. It was quickly drowned out by all the other things I was told I could never do and still haven't but should, but for a brief moment I felt accomplished.
I need to keep remembering that contrary to what I believe, my story is far from over.
One of these days I will make a post that's a direct follow up to all the early posts in the blog. To my battles with alcoholism and depression, the latter of which continue to this day and the former which I am proud to say I am still sober. 15 months later.
The 11th Hour
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Saturday, December 13, 2014
[12/13] Entry 51
So. After a grueling six weeks, and who knows what else with who else. I'm done with being a student and am now sleeping for the first time in my apartment.
That's a scary thought tbh. My apartment. I'm completely and officially, 150% on my own now. I mean I have been for a while but this is different, in name if not in practice. It's strange to walk around and be able to say "This is my apartment." and it's honestly just a little bit terrifying.
It's also a bit tear-jerky for me. I remembered today how I started this journey, four and a half years ago. The day before we were supposed to come up to UT as incoming freshmen for orientation I was stuck in miami with absolutely no way to get to tampa. No method of transportation that I could afford existed. Everything I owned at the time fit in a small box and one suitcase. I could carry it all myself with no issue, It was part of who I was: broke and had nothing. Literally nothing.
I wish I could have remembered that moment in the apst four and a half years when I felt pain over something or the other, when I felt sorrow and grieved over who knows what. Because remembering now, the pain I felt at that point is rivaled by only a couple or so others in my life. Most of which I think I've documented here in this blog. But no. Having worked my ass off to get to college, having found one I could legitimately go to, but then being stuck in deadshit nowhere because I had to pay rent fo rmy parents one last time. It was devastating. It's because of that I've worked so hard where I can and when I can and saved up money. It's why I currently freak out and have miniature panic attacks if my bank account goes below a certain number. There's something terrifying about having everything ripped away from you with nothing you can do.
Eventually, like two hours before I was supposed to depart to Tampa, I got a call from an old family friend who bailed me out and helped me. To Father Mateo I am probably deeply indebted to. I honestly, in a very literal and physical sense, would not be here today if it wasn't for him.
I'm exhausted and have a huge cycle of emotions circling around in my head that I want to talk about but I can't see straight anymore and I'm afraid if I keep on typing I'll start crying and I really just want to sleep. So I'll be talking more about the whirlwind of experiences over the next few days. Hopefully.
-Over and Out.
That's a scary thought tbh. My apartment. I'm completely and officially, 150% on my own now. I mean I have been for a while but this is different, in name if not in practice. It's strange to walk around and be able to say "This is my apartment." and it's honestly just a little bit terrifying.
It's also a bit tear-jerky for me. I remembered today how I started this journey, four and a half years ago. The day before we were supposed to come up to UT as incoming freshmen for orientation I was stuck in miami with absolutely no way to get to tampa. No method of transportation that I could afford existed. Everything I owned at the time fit in a small box and one suitcase. I could carry it all myself with no issue, It was part of who I was: broke and had nothing. Literally nothing.
I wish I could have remembered that moment in the apst four and a half years when I felt pain over something or the other, when I felt sorrow and grieved over who knows what. Because remembering now, the pain I felt at that point is rivaled by only a couple or so others in my life. Most of which I think I've documented here in this blog. But no. Having worked my ass off to get to college, having found one I could legitimately go to, but then being stuck in deadshit nowhere because I had to pay rent fo rmy parents one last time. It was devastating. It's because of that I've worked so hard where I can and when I can and saved up money. It's why I currently freak out and have miniature panic attacks if my bank account goes below a certain number. There's something terrifying about having everything ripped away from you with nothing you can do.
Eventually, like two hours before I was supposed to depart to Tampa, I got a call from an old family friend who bailed me out and helped me. To Father Mateo I am probably deeply indebted to. I honestly, in a very literal and physical sense, would not be here today if it wasn't for him.
I'm exhausted and have a huge cycle of emotions circling around in my head that I want to talk about but I can't see straight anymore and I'm afraid if I keep on typing I'll start crying and I really just want to sleep. So I'll be talking more about the whirlwind of experiences over the next few days. Hopefully.
-Over and Out.
Monday, November 17, 2014
[11/17] Entry 50
I, I don’t know what to say right now.
I woke up in tears this morning, and really still am right now, almost two hours after the fact. I’m not okay on so many levels. This schedule, the reality of it, the permanence of it, is starting to feel real enough that it’s overwhelming. I mean i’s always been real, but it never sank in before. There’s a lot I’m struggling with right now on top of my awful schedule, and it just makes everything worse.
There’s something incredibly mentally taxing about being completely powerless over whether you get to work, and over whether you get back to your home on any given day. It’s terrifying and draining and it’s slowly eating away at me.
And then last night much of the childhood I’ve struggled to keep hidden, to keep under locks in the attic to rot have started to come out and it’s just too much. I’ve quite literally been living the past few years without a childhood. I had my entire life prior to the age of 15 locked up in in a box somewhere. Bits and pieces of it came out at random times, but never in any real, tangible, solid, way. And now it is and it’s also draining,
I never grew up, is the thing. I had to act like I had almost over night. And I never stopped pretending, not enough. There’s always a part of me that’ll be curled in my bedroom in the house I grew up, bawling his little eyes because his entire world just crashed and snapped around him. Someone who finally had to come to terms with what he had to do and what he was never going to get to experience. The things he had never been able to experience.
It was a jolt that was hard because, between working through my early and teen years and focusing hard on GTFOing, I never got to think or breathe. I went online, played video games, and pretended even more to be someone I wasn’t, when I had the time for it. And when I would be in between jobs i would be online a fair bit. But I still was running harder, running away from what I didn’t know, and towards I didn’t know.
Is this what I ran towards? Is this what I’ve stumbled and fucked myself over for? Because I can’t. It wasn’t worth it. I want to go home. Home home. A place I haven’t been to in about nine years. People I haven’t seen in as long. What was it all for? I don’t know, I don’t know if it was worth it. And it’s a hard thing to come to terms with.
I consider myself a failure on so many levels, and so many core ways, that it’s mind-breaking to think about. I should have been more. I should be more. I should have done so much more. I should do so much more. I shouldn’t be this. This stinkin’ pile of mediocrity. I was never able to dedicate to anything because I didn’t know what I was doing it for, I didn’t know why I should. So I Pushed forwards through college without motivation, without aim, and because of that I’ve essentially thrown away the past four and a half years of my life.
I’m glad I have Sarah, and she’s the first and last things I see every day. That I get to hold her to remind myself why I do it now and why I push through it now. I have my motivation again, I have a goal and reasons to push through the pain.I’ve made some wonderful friends and met some amazing people who I know are cheering for me and that helps tremendously. If it wasn’t for the people around me, I’d be on the side of the road somewhere right about now. Thank you to all of you.
This post was brought to you by the word: Draining!
I’ll stop there and try to distract myself, I’m getting close to work and I don’t want to show up covered in tears..
-Over and out
Thursday, November 13, 2014
[11/13] Entry 49: Pt. 2
Work was interesting today. Spent all day working on one bug and then found out that the reason I couldn’t find it at all in the file I was looking for it in, is because the code I was looking for was removed. Again. Because why would it be there? It seems like that’s par for the course for the majority of bugs I’ve encountered so far. A bug yesterday was because someone decided to delete the information from the DB and didn’t tell anyone nor ever gave a reason for it.
Before that there was a piece of code missing that nobody could even tell was supposed to be there if it wasn’t for the original architect of the code having gone in and saw that part of it was just flat out missing without any indicator that it should have ever been there. Yay!
I have to adapt the old fix to the new code now, which shouldn’t be too bad, just an unnecessary hassle that would be avoided if there were some standards. Or if i knew the Focus system, which I don’t. Not yet anyways. Work in general is a special monster, I don’t even know how I feel about it. The valid answer is that essentially I don’t, or maybe I do. Not sure.
I love Sarah so much, it’s silly how much I do but I enjoy talking to her and being around her so much that I can’t help but feel happier whenever she texts me in the middle of work.
I’m always exhausted now. Always tired to my very limits and stressed out of my skull. I’ve gotten better at keeping the lid on it but even being where I am is fairly troublesome. It honestly needs to change. Something. Anything. Needs to change. I don’t know what but god damn it this cycle of stress and bullshit and tears needs to stop, somehow.
I’m counting the days but I’m doubtful of my ability to make it at this point. I have some 16-19 days left of this and yes I’m counting each of them because it may not seem like very many, but each one is taking so much out of me.
I have no idea what I’m doing, or going to do, about my classes, and the stuff I still have to do. The math states I have, on average, about 6-9 hours free during the week. So does that mean I need to get everything done during the weekend? If I work through the weekend, I’ll break, I know I will. So what should I do?
I wish I knew.
-over and out.
[11/13] Entry 48
What’s new today? I don’t know.
Life is so strange right now. My routine is ever so slowly getting to be less miserable but when I finally get accustom to it, I’m going to graduate and thus its going to change all over again. And adapting to the work force is being a hassle in and of itself. I never wanted to work a 9-5 type deal. And now that I am, I’m honestly debating whether or not I want to do this type of shtick for the rest of my life. I like it well enough, and I don’t think I can complain much, given my pay grade right out of college. It’s just not for me man.
I like working at Focus well enough. And programming is actually really fun, so the challenges at focus are honestly fun. It’s just something about spending my entire day, nine hours, doing one thing and one thing only, that slightly bothers me. And I’m not sure that doing this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I figure I’ll stay here for the next 2.5 years, doing programming and stuff. And then when Sarah graduates I’ll have had enough time in the work force to honestly decide if I want to continue this or if I want to say fuck it, go through the motions of grad school, and become a professor. Which I’ve always wanted to do. I like teaching others new things and I like programming, so why not do both? The schedule of a professor is equally as demanding but more flexible, which is what I need in my life. I need to be able to hit the time out button for an hour and then get back to things. I need to have some degree of autonomy.
Tomorrow’s my first real pay day. And it’s going to be more money than I’ve seen at once in my entire life. That’s both exciting and terrifying. So that’s gonna be a thing.
I have to get off the bus now so I’ll leave it there for now.
-Over and out.
Monday, November 10, 2014
[11/10] Entry 47
This weekend was okay. I got to sleep and spend time with the wonderful girlfriend and some of our friends. So it was okay. I miss having free time during the week so much but the reality of my schedule just doesn’t let me do that I’d settle for the odd extra hour of sleep.
Gonna be picking out Sarah’s promise ring this week. Thats something. It’s not an engagement ring, not yet. She still has a little over two years left and it’s for the best if its not a straight up engagement ring for a variety of reasons. She herself has asked for an engagement ring but it’s not the right time for it, she needs to focus on her classes, but I feel like a promise ring is the right time right about now. I know there’s nobody else I’d rather be with, nobody else I want to spend my life with than with Sarah Mays.
I’ve saved up a decent amount of money for this and am trying to pick out something that I think she’ll really, really, really like. So we’ll see. Also have an idea for a way to give it to her that she will enjoy thoroughly, so there’s that. I like seeing her smile, it’s a wonderful sight to behold. Cheesy? yeah, probably. DO I give a fuck? Nope, not at all. It’s how I genuinely feel and I wouldn’t want it any other way to be completely honest.
Anyways. Work was ok today. I’m starting to feel more comfortable sifting through Focus and can understand, more or less, what most sections are intended to do. My knowledge of PHP and JS are growing at an exponential rate with every passing day. I quite like that fact, I want to be able to put it into effect and am trying to modify previous projects to update them during down times and breaks. I’m trying to get the most I can out of my time at Focus. I mean I’m probably going to be there for at least two and a half years so it’s something that I’m going to need to adapt to.
The stress has been a lot less today. I woke up feeling like crap and had a massive case of indigestion, but I mean honestly other than, today’s gone pretty okay. Not okay as in “OMG” but okay as in an “I’m starting to adjust” type deal. Which is good, really good. There’s still the normal levels of stress but it’s gone down a bit and the bus rides today were pretty much on schedule with no eventful happenings on either which way.
Well, I’m ON the last bus home atm, so, here’s hoping nothing happens xD There seems to be little traffic so. That’s a good sign.
I’m just really tired, but I get tomorrow off! and that’s a good thing :D
That’s it for today.
-Over and out
[11/7] Entry 46
So. My wallet was lost last night.
And that was the feather that buttfucked the fuck out of the camel’s back. I legitimately broke down bawling, repeatedly, after discovering the fact that not only was it indeed not in my possession, the only chance I might have had, however slim it might have been, of finding it, was hours away and was depending on someone having found it and turned it in to lost and found. On a bus.
To say that the fact I had lost my wallet, which had my ID, Social Security, all my debit cards, and a number of other things, was stressful, was an understatement of epic proportions. I was already stressed out beyond belief and the thought that I’d be royally fucked and completely broke for a week and would probably have to quit my job was. A lot. Was hard to wrap my head around, it wasn’t fun to deal with and I hit every end of every string ever.
I bawled hard and for quite a while. Everything just hit and ended and exploded. Alex, one of my roommates, is going back to mexico after this semester because he’s discovering the fact that he’s in an alien environment where just doesn’t feel comfortable or stable enough. We’ve tried to make him feel welcome but he still feels out of place at a very different place and world where he doesn’t even speak the language natively. He feels like he’s just unstable here and needs to go back to stabilize his mind and grades and I can completely understand that. Because if I don’t stabilize in like six months, I’m going to have to quit… Is what I would like to say. But I have nowhere to go and nothing to do if I DO quit, so I have to stick with it and fight the uphill battle. Which, I mean has been the story of my life up unitl this point, which is why I’m hoping I’ll be fine as I move forwards, it’s just got to be things that I take a day at a time right now. if I do anything else, I Might be heading down a dark route.
At any rate, I found my wallet. It was miraculously turned into lost and found on the bus and I was able to pick it up today. Everything’s here. I was elated, and almost passed out from the wave of relaxation and destress that washed over me. I just wanted to sleep xD
So thats it. more adventures in the life of me failing quite spectacularly xD
-Over and Out
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)