[12/30] Entry Thirty Nine: The Reason

So Ive been doing a terrible job of posting on here daily lile Sarah wanted me to amd like Ive said Im going to, but for the past couple of weeks theres been nothing really to write about that I havent already talked about to death. Not really I suppose. Ive been keepig myself busy and diistracted and trying to ignore the demons in my head that are a staple of being home.

The only noteworthy thing that Ive been putting off writing about are dreams Ive been having these past few days. They started off being about Raven and that was bad enough. And let me clarify, the dreams werent bad per se. They were about us being friends again, and they were nice while I slept but wvery time I woke up I would start crying. Then they turned into dreams of the people I love dying. And they were sp realistic, so convincing, that after each one Ive been finding myself unable to tell reality for a few minutes. Its been difficult, and deep sleep has become something I fear, for it is clear it just serves to haunt me at this point. Not sure why my dreams torture me so, but they do.

And I suppose tbe thing that Ive been writing a lot in my private journal about is something that Ive wirten about her countless times, Raven. It still really bothers me and still really hurts and it leads to a list of my mistakes, not just with her but with others and it leads me to misery every time. But I suppose theres something more concrete in my fears now, as next semeater draws closer. The fear I may have to face her and she still hate me. Its honesrly crippling and the thkught of facing her right now is absolutely terrifying and... yeah. Ill. Never be able to forgive myself.

[12/13] Entry Thirty Eight: Put your records on.

So I've just finished getting "home" and unpacking. I use home with quotation marks because it's strange. My parents moved while I was away, again, and for the second time in two years they've changed where my physical home is without me even being aware of where/when/etc. And it somehow doesn't actually phase me anymore, it hasn't for a while.

Part of it has to do with being a college student. Every four months your entire life is upended and all your routines change and in some cases even where you live. Time turns into a strange thing then and you stop measuring time in months or years and you start viewing time as "Semesters" where summer is technically it's own semester and the winter is just an intermission between two semesters. Because of that constant change I find that I can just as easily feel comfortable and at home in a hotel, in a stranger's room, or whatever's supposed to be my home.

But I guess part of it is also the fact that I haven't felt like any place is home in years. Long before college was even on the horizon. I just haven't registered any place as being a place where I personally have any ties to. If I close my eyes and think of home, I think of a house where I grew up in, and that's it. I don't have a home anymore, I don't think. It's not a particularly depressing thought to me, not anymore, it's just a fact of life. I stand here in this completely alien room and feel just as comfortable as I did in my old one, and just as comfortable as I feel in a dorm, and just as comfortable as I felt in a hotel. Idk.

Also, today officially marks 90 days of sobriety. Kinda cool huh?

[12/3] Entry Thirty Seven: One More Day

So, yeah, about that posting every day thing? >_> It's one of those things where I feel the need to post a lot when I have a lot of negative thoughts and to just channel them to this one source in order to contain and deal with them in a healthy manner, because thats the trick isn't it? Everyone has problems, everyone has anxiety, everyone has doubts and everyone will suffer from depression at least once in their lives. It's just a matter of knowing how to deal with it. And at least dealing with it in a productive manner. And that's what this is, my productive way of dealing with my negative emotions.

So I really do need to start churning out my positive emotions in a productive way. I tend to let them simmer or hide or just ride them out until they're over instead of harnessing them like I do my negative ones, and maybe I should change it? Maybe I should have posts dedicated entirely to positive things? Just maybe.

Finals, research, projects, all kind of suffocating me atm, but all's good otherwise.

And you know what, there's something going on atm that is absolutely fantastic in my life, and it is actually making me so happy that I don't really know how to handle said happiness. What is it? Well my fucking awesome girlfriend, that's what. I don't know, I just... I've learned I'm not as hopeless and jaded as I've thought, and it's definitely showing in this relationship. But it's not fair to attribute all of it to her. It's not fair to her, or to me, or everyone else. Because I am well aware that the only reason I even know how to be happy, I even have this awesome girlfriend that I am 250% aware I would not have if I was still drinking, is partially because of all the work that's come before it. It's because I've had so many awesome people in my life, guiding me and helping me and teaching me so many things that I'm able to enjoy it now. It's because I've worked so hard next to those who care about me that I can see I'm taking steady steps forwards, and they're paying off.

But of course, no relationship is awesome because of the works on one side regardless, and hell knows Sarah is an amazing girlfriend. She's quite literally perfect in a lot of ways for me right now, and hopefully will continue to be. I say for right now because I've learned the hard way that time is a very scary thing that can be both wonderful and terrible at the same time, so I keep that voice in the back of my head, to take steps with caution, but still move on regardless. And the thing is, she's really a lot of fun, and I can depend on her, and her me. And she reciprocates all my cheesy romance and it's genuine and I just... Yeah, she makes me absolutely ecstatic.

I also, not sure why, but had to compare it to my last girlfriend, Tori, freshman year. I thought this because, right around the time Tori and I broke up, (the same amount of time into our relationship) I got mad because she had forgotten things, and had forgotten me, and had taken me for granted and was just treating me like I was there. And then when I expected something because of an important date to us, she got mad because I expected it. So I learned the hard way to only every expected absolutely nothing from people. Not the best, and not the worst, because there's worse things than nothing, but to just expect nothing. And just yesterday Sarah surprised by getting me a game (christmas gift) that I not only totally wasn't expecting, but one that I completely enjoyed and treasured. And I love her for it, because it's yet another lesson in my life that all the bad is not absolute, and that all the learned helplessness CAN be done.

Everything looks good for us, it really does, and I'm hoping it continues to do so. I'm really, really, really hoping it never stops being amazing. And to be frank, I don't think it will.

Peace Niglets.